Toxic SIL and pending visit

I see you’re going so I remind you to take no shit, op. None. Since you’re there you will be able to say no dd doesn’t visit sil. She stays here at your parents. Thats the only reason I came, as the only person who prioritises our child I had to, to say no to this.

Your DH needs to call her out on her poor behaviour! He needs to back you and not make excuses. Having mental health issues is not an excuse to be rude and offensive, DH and MIL are enabling her to be as rude and objectionable as she likes whilst hiding behind, 'it's not her fault, she's mentally unwell' No way I would be tolerating that BS

I agree.
@MoodyMargaret11 the dh is as much a decision-making parent as the OP. He's very familiar with his sister. It's not only OP's opinion that matters. His is equal to hers.

that may not be possible. He is also a parent with parental rights and if he says "I am taking her" it will take the law to stop it. BUT as I said I do think its time to pull up big girl knickers and consider the future of the marriage.

It's not that it's triggering for you- that makes it sound like you're the person with the problem. Her behaviour is undermining, erratic and grossly disrespectful. She is the problem here.

Don't get railroaded into going anywhere OP and don't let DD go either.

Tell DH he can go by himself as you need to protect your and your daughter's mental health from his unhinged sister.

If he tries to argue, keep harping that on - his horrible sister's mental health cannot trump yours and DD's.

Can't believe she told your DD that it's nice and better if you don't come, and he though that was ok! Does he care about his own family?

Your husband is being a dick.

With the real mum comment it really depends how it was said I think.
A few weeks ago I hugged my niece (3 years) real tight and said ‘My little baby!’ She asked my sister at bedtime if Im her mum too. It really wasnt intentional and I didnt mean anything by it other than that I love her just as much as my own 2. My sister wasnt upset or anything and knew thats how I meant it.

If your husband doesnt respect your boundaries, you should definitely go. You cant exactly decide alone that DD isnt allowed to see his family, because DH gets the same say, but you can be there to shield and redirect.

Well how convenient!

Or that Daddy is really her uncle pretending to be her daddy - Christ that could really mess with DD's head!

And maybe pointing out that his sister is effectively telling his daughter that he is not her father might get through to this feckless excuse of a man because it will make it 'personal' to him, in a way it clearly doesn't register that his daughter is being told her mummy isn't her mummy.

I hate how often 'You have a DH problem' is accurate.

No way would a child of mine would be going any where near that bat shit crazy SIL.

I don’t think in al fairness there was any insinuating around incest, but more trying to get one at me about the mum comment knowing it would hurt

if SIL is saying she is mummy & your DH is still daddy she may not be trying to say she slept with her brother but when your DD understands where babies come from that is exactly what she is being told.

I'd sat there is better than at home!

It's a problem anyway if Op needs to work either there or at home.

I am not sure she can right now. Fathers have rights too and I think (but not sure) that if a registered father says he's going to take a child to visit his family, its not as simple as saying "no you will not"

Tbh I think that this is why Op needs to keep her daughter away.

They are nasty about Op.

What's the value in a relationship with them?

Was your husband also not there?

Totally agree with this and if she can’t be on board then he can’t take dd to his sisters.

how would he feel if this was a sibling of yours doing all this damage to your child, saying that they are your child’s dad and that they hope daddy doesn’t come to vivid too, I’m sure he would be angry.

I would put my foot down now and let everyone know that your DD cannot be left alone with SIL. Explain that as adults, you understand that some of things she says are untrue due to her mental health issues. But this can be very confusing and upsetting for a child and therefore she needs to be removed from the situation. You need DH to be on board with you for this however, and it sounds like that might be your biggest hurdle.

sadly yes this. I'd be saying to OH that he is on his last chance to keep you and his daughter.

you need your husband's buy in/co-operation to agree
That's what she doesn't have though @OldPerson .
Her husband is allowing his sister to do this. He has already aligned his values with those of his parents and sister.

You're playing games instead of setting boundaries.

You're twisting yourself in knots to play games.

What you need to do is agree your own family unit values and boundaries.

And agree when family members overstep those boundaries - or behave in a positive way.

Just go through every aggrieved incident - and identify why you were angry - and whether that was personally rude or abusive, negatively stirring up trouble, or whether it trangressed a society value - like racism, misogyny, bigotry.

And then define what you want your family values to be - and you need your husband's buy in/co-operation to agree. Then they become your family values - and the wall of your defense.

additionally, DD also said SIL had said to DD it would be better and nicer if mummy doesn’t come and visit at Christmas. DD asked me why I was going and then said this.
It's absolutely shocking that your husband doesn't shut this down. What a weak, disloyal man.
If any of my family had treated my husband like this, they wouldn't have been seeing me or my child until they packed it in. But your husband is basically taking their side.

Yeah, I wouldn't be trusting SIL with my cat let alone my child!