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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Touching himself on public transport

88 replies

froggirl · 08/05/2024 08:34

I was on the bus earlier this week and a guy in his 40's sat across from me was manspreading and squeezing/ fondling his dick. I'm a woman in my 30's.

It was grim. But I didn't say anything. I just got off the bus.

It was one of those awkward situations where I wasn't sure if it was anything to do with me as a woman sat near to him, or if he was just doing it because he felt entitled to/ couldn't leave his dick alone for the short bus ride home.

I didn't feel sure enough that he was deliberately intimidating me, to do anything about it. Maybe he was aware of this and getting off on it.

I'm normally a fairly assertive person and felt ashamed that I didn't call him out on what he was doing - AIBU to not have said anything - what would you have done?

Any tips for if I am in this situation again that will make me feel more empowered?

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 08/05/2024 09:19

We often go into "freeze mode" (self-preservation) when confronted with a sexual predator or high risk behaviour show like this. So don't feel bad about not doing anything at the time.

However, you really should report it as it will help with the gathering of statistics of male sexual predation behaviour in a public place. And CCTV will probably be available if you can be specific.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It's terrible that us women have to put up with such disgusting behaviour. I sat next to a man on a bus who was openly watching porn on his phone. Unbelievable.

fatphalange · 08/05/2024 09:17

Loads of men feel totally at ease fiddling about with themselves or 'cupping' themselves just as they would at home passively watching tv or whatever. Even though it's not necessarily sexual or motivated by intimidation, it's grim.
Walking along the high street the other day with my teen DD there was a man stood outside the bank with his hand completely down his shorts. It's uncomfortable so we crossed the road while I tutted about how disgusting some people are.

WinterMorn · 08/05/2024 09:12

Why didn’t you tell the driver, or call the Police? All the time this behaviour is unchallenged it will continue!

couldhaver · 08/05/2024 08:53

Plus if it’s at the stage where you feel you can’t ignore then filming/taking photos help with evidence

couldhaver · 08/05/2024 08:53

I haven’t dealt with this exactly but I have had creepy men before. The only real things you can do is ignore (some men thrive off the attention they get), get others involved (other passengers tend to embarrass them) or contact the transport police (mixed bag of support, but generally nothing much will come of reports)

VenetiaHallisWellPosh · 08/05/2024 08:52

Cross post with @Worried8263839

drspouse · 08/05/2024 08:51

I loudly called out the guy at the pool "washing himself" in the shower under his trunks. He shouted at me but there were lots of people around.

VenetiaHallisWellPosh · 08/05/2024 08:51

As someone who works in PT I'd say ring your local police on 101 and report it. He needs collaring before his behaviour escalates. Awful as it is to recall the event, they will need approximate age, build, ethnicity, and what he was wearing.

Original poster
froggirl · 08/05/2024 08:51

Thanks @Worried8263839 it's not a bad idea but I have reported similar things before and the process was so long and tiresome, several different people calling me and asking me to repeat the same thing and then telling me it's not really a crime. I don't think I want the bother when it won't go anywhere.

OP posts:
Worried8263839 · 08/05/2024 08:47

I would strongly encourage you to report this. Most, if not all, buses now have CCTV. Even if the police don't believe an offence was committed, the intelligence could be really useful to this man's ongoing risk management if he is already known to Police/Probation. It's possible he has sexual convictions and this type of behaviour would be something they'd really want to know! Nothing to lose by reporting it!

Arlanymor · 08/05/2024 08:45

I wouldn’t have addressed him directly because I value my safety, but I would have said something to the bus driver as I departed.

Original poster
froggirl · 08/05/2024 08:42

StMarieforme · 08/05/2024 08:40

I think I'd have said loudly "why are you staring at me and fondling your dick on a bus?" making everyone stare at him.

Like calling out a misogynistic joke' by saying "can you explain why that is funny?"

Would you actually have done that though?

I felt intimidated.

He wasn't starting at me, he had headphones on and was bobbing along to the music. I would have had to prod him to take his headphones out and then say it.

OP posts:
StMarieforme · 08/05/2024 08:40

I think I'd have said loudly "why are you staring at me and fondling your dick on a bus?" making everyone stare at him.

Like calling out a misogynistic joke' by saying "can you explain why that is funny?"

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