Meeting up with MIL without DH

Arrange to meet at a notoriously grisly time of day with DD who will make this meeting as miserable as possible for everyone. Use that as an excuse to avoid meeting up “until she’s a bit bigger”. Then tell MIL that DD needs a more stimulating environment than a cafe.

Just. Say. No.

I wonder if all the posters telling the OP to ditch her MIL would feel differently once their kids are grown and have babies and they themselves become the MIL... 🤔

Phase it out, and do that rapidly.
"Sorry - can't make it this week." And so on, until it stops.

You do not owe your MIL anything - including facilitating her preferred life arrangements.

This kind of "routine" gets embedded very quickly, and the more you give, the more is expected from you.

Your DH can visit if he wants, or drive her around (if he wants), but it's not your job and your time is your choice how to spend.

I agree with the other suggestions made this far. It's not solely up to you to facilitate a relationship (no matter how much time your own parents spend with your baby) with your MiL and baby. That is where your OH comes in.

As for your MiL's husband not liking you or your OH (his wife's son and his step-son) and for your MiL not doing anything about it, I'd be having words with my OH to see if there is a way to extricate MiL from this situation as it's not an ideal relationship for her to be in, perhaps she uses this time away from her DH to decompress and get away from him (perhaps not) but that said, she could just as easily go to a book club for example to do that.

I think you first need to have a chat with your OH and see how you can agree to at least split the visits with her between you, so that you see a 50% drop in how often you see her. Then I think you both need to find out if there is something else behind the frequency of these visits. I'd also make it clear to MiL that DD who she is there to see doesn't enjoy coffee shops and would prefer somewhere more in tune with her requirements and MiL is welcome to go to X play centre or Y playzone place.

It'll be the baby MIL wants to see, even if she doesn't interact with him/her. I'm not disagreeing but life is rarely right/wrong, Also DH probably works full time so to do this, he'll have to use weekend family time. Perfectly possible but probably annoying. I'm suggesting a small compromise and then OP can plan a way forward.

As your daughter gets older you’re going to want to do more activities that help her speech and social development which any sane grandparent would surely recognise as important.. so maybe start looking for some now. Within a couple of years she’s going to potentially be in some kind of nursery/kindergarten anyway so you won’t have this extra time forever.. make it work for you now..

I’m another one who doesn’t believe in the equality approach when it comes to family - there are too many other factors at play.. ie the unwelcoming environment, distance in your case. Yes a relationship with both grandparents is important but it’s not about how many hours each spends with the child per week.. my family live hundreds of miles away and my kids don’t love them any less than the ones they see most weeks!

I'd say I need to spend my day off catching up on housework/chores. If you do meet why not do soft play or something else rather than a cafe?

Seeing and bonding with GPs is very important. MIL didn’t live near us when our DC was young, but if she’d been 45 mins away I would absolutely have met up regularly with her. My parents lived close by and we saw them once or twice every week. I’d 100% always choose coffee or trip to local NT property over soft play. Maybe that’s coloured by the fact that my parents were over 70 when DC born. Although, I tend to think soft play is a last resort entertainment. Usually expensive and the food there can be junky.

Do you expect the husband to spend a day off visiting with his MIL?

Ha! Yes how many male partners would happily go into town and sit in a cafe wrangling a toddler once a week with their mother in law?! Bloody none!

Surely you meant HE (the husband) should ensure his mother is getting the same time as the other grandmother?

No, her husband should be the one to facilitate the relationship.

Why on earth would his mother be @whitecupboard‘s responsibility? Do you expect the husband to spend a day off visiting with his MIL?

Noooooooooo.

You deal with your parents he deals with his.

*'deal' in this context means: facilitating contact with grandkids, doing birthday cards and accepting/declining/instigating 'family get togethers'.

It also means being responsible for managing their expectations to gatecrash your bloody holidays but that's another thread !!

Gradually phase out the meetups by being busy until it's no longer a thing.

Meet her halfway at somewhere she can get public transport, somewhere outside where you can get a coffee and DC can run around and play if she gets bored. Scale your visits back if you want to once a fortnight (invent a baby club that you now go to?)

I'd still see her, but as your daughter is getting older and more mobile, change the venue to a local farm or soft play or toddler class.

I think you should ensure that she gets a similar amount of time with her grandchild as the other grandmother does. The logistics of that is up to you.

Your MIL made the decision not to drive and she made the decision to live with a man who is horrible to her son and DIL, those are her choices and she has every right to make them. What she does not have the right to do, is to expect you and her son to inconvenience yourselves on a regular basis in order to accommodate her choices.

I would be cutting back the visits on your day off, just tell her you are busy with friends and activities, housework etc. You, DH and DD could meet up with her maybe once a month, either at yours or at a child friendly activity close to her home, but only when convenient for you.

Why? Why should op give up a day off though? Dh can bring her when he is available and if not then tough. Op I wouldn't get involved in trying to be equal here. Your parents you deal with, leave dh to deal with his.

You'd be better off in work to be honest. You are losing out on pension, wages, career progression etc...to take your mother in law to a cafe. Presumably you arranged your life like this for the benefit of your baby. So put your baby first. Say that now they are walking it's too much for them to sit in the buggy or high chair for an hour, and instead of sitting in the cafe, meet at a soft play, play town, park etc. Or meet at something (swimming lessons or something similar) near her house. And as other have said start inventing other things to do every other week and than more often so you're only seeing her every 3 weeks or so. If her or your husband doesn't like this then he can change his hours to have an afternoon off every couple of weeks to see her

The other alternative is that DH drops a day and you work that day and DH entertains his DM?

Compromise. Summer's coming (eventually). Park with a cafe. Somewhere outside with seats. Soft play.

You aren't being a cow. You also aren't obliged to spend your days off doing something that another person wants you to do!
I think this is the problem with having regular arrangements - people start expecting that they are set in stone and making you feel guilty if you want to do something else.
If you want change then you have to bite the bullet and let mil know that you want to do something else on your day off - line meet a friend or just chill in your own house.
I suggest starting with a text that says something along the lines of 'hi mil, just to let you know I won't be in X town on Thursday so won't be able to meet up for coffee. Hope all well. See you soon c'
Just break the cycle. You can also text and invite her over to yours on a day that suits you. Your dh should ideally be there since his mum would probably like to see him too.
But since she allows her partner to be an arse to you both and you are expected to do all the travelling, it's perfectly okay to say no.
Your own relationship with your own parents is a separate thing since they want to see you, not just the baby!

I don't believe in treating partner's parents like 2nd class grandparents, which does happen sometimes, but it isn't your responsibility as a dil to facilitate all relationships and make all the effort. For some families once a week visiting is a lot, especially if it commandeers a day off every week.

My MIL expects me to meet up with her one day every week with DD.

😅😅😅 Good for her...let her expect away...

She has 2 legs she can get ubers buses and taxis.

She also has fingers presumably? and can use those to get her phone out and suggest or book toddlers friendly activities (soft play church groups playgrounds etc) or nice outings your toddler might like.

She doesnt give a crap about seeing her GD she just wants a day entertainment.

Id start having stuff planned and phasing it out and invite her to things you are doing. She can either get there under her own steam and participate or decline - ie she is choosing not to bother.

yanbu. I also really disagree with "you're seeing your parents, MIL should get equal time with you". She's not your mum! You're perfectly allowed to see your close family as often as you like, and see Mil as often as you like. You're not a commoditiy to be shared equally! I would not be commiting to this. If I was going to have to commit to some scheduled activity i don't want to do on days i'm not working, i'd go and work full time! I'd start a phase out, like others recommend, then maybe go for a monthly meet? Something much more managable

Not your responsibility at all. I would just be busy. My mil used to call me a lot at approx 4pm when I was leaving work (worried about my husband and would he get home safely)
it got on my nerves so I asked him and he rang her and said it made me start to worry about him getting home safely (so no conflict but sorted the issue) she stopped ringing