Meeting up with MIL without DH

Don’t do it. There are other modes of transport like a bus or taxi. Meet in the middle at a soft play or park etc. You choose the place and time and if she doesn’t want to do it then she misses out. I’m shocked so many people can’t seem to say no. You are not indebted to this woman. You owe her no servitude.

Next week invite her over to yours, or ask if she'd like to meet halfway. If she doesn't, then you've done your bit and you can just reply that you'll see her another time.

This is not your responsibility but IS kind of you. Could you start suggesting more child friendly places? Play cafes? Soft plays? You might resent it less.

Because a gentle solution rather than confrontation is a way forward without people being at loggerheads? Most full time workers can't just 'drop a day' as suggested. What I think is that OP and DH probably want their weekends and Op is trying to do the right thing. She needs a gentle way out, no feelings hurt.

I would probably do once a month but certainly not weekly.

Phase her out? She's her husbands mother ffs!

No reason you need to meet up with her unless you want to. I have never spent time alone with my MIL without dh in the 15 years we've been together. If she wants to spend time with her grandchild, then your dh can facilitate it on some of his days off. He can drive to meet her for coffee and then drive back.

We also can't visit MIL's house due to her partner (he doesn't allow any of MIL's family, but he is also a safeguarding risk, so isn't allowed around children anyway, that's a whole other bag of worms!). If she doesn't come to us on a day dh organises it, dh will take dc to go meet her for a day out. It's his family, it's his responsibility to facilitate those interactions.

Hell no.

Could you handle once a month, with you picking her up and going to some child-friendly activity near her house? If dh does once a month too, she is seeing her gc fortnightly which is generous for a woman who won't make any effort.

Or, there must be a soft play near her. Do that with MiL, every week. After a few visits, when MiL inevitably says she doesn't want to do that, you can say oh good, saves us a drive, we'll go to the soft play near our house instead, since you don't want to come with us and soft play is what we do on Fridays. Thursdays? Oh I'm busy. Housework, you know.

Don't say you do not want to meet up with her

Instead be a bit less available, so it gradually drops to twice a month, then to once a month

You have to break the fixed expectations without conflict. So next day off...unfortunately you cannot see her as you are having your hair cut/have to go to B&Q/you have a headache/virus/your car has no petrol/MOT/you are waiting in for a delivery/DD has a play date/you are taking DD swimming/whatsver

Just break the pattern to break the expectation. When you DO meet be super nice and happy about it. Then, sadly week after you are not available again

Fuck that. My MIL comes to my house once a week to spend time with my youngest before he starts school. She has done this with all her grandchildren. I crack on cleaning or whatever I need to do while she is here. She would never expect me to go out of my way like yours does!
My DH would take the kids over there or we all go over for a family occasion but she would never expect me to run around for her!

I would 100% do this in a similar situation BUT... and this is a big one.... MIL would not expect me to just sit in a cafe with her while the baby is bored. When the DC were younger MIL would happily tag along to baby-related activities like soft plays or rhyme times. Or we might do a little light shopping and she'd be quite helpful - hanging with the baby while I tried somethign on or popped to pay. Sure, we'd pop into a cafe TOO, but we'd all need refreshment by then so it would be fine. Or she'd come to ours and enjoy holding the baby, feeding the baby, playing peekaboo etc.

So for me, the issue would be that you're so restricted on what you with her and it's a total waste of your/your baby's time. f she wants you to see her weekly, it needs to be worth your while, and it certainly isn't right now.

Also, for all that I would probably have done this, doesn't mean you have to. So, assuming she's NOT going to change her arrangements iwth you, drop it to less often.

Also do soft play or a park or farm

I'd phase it to once month just say you already have plans.

If she wants more then your dh can do it at weekend

At the end of the day the arrangement doesn’t suit op. Up to a point it doesn’t suit grandchild.

However, people like different things be they 70, 35 or 18 months. That’s why some on here don’t really get why meet up once a week is so frowned upon

What's your DH's take on this .... It is his mum after all. Does he take your toddler to see his mum? If not why not?

I don't get on particularly well with mine, she is self centered and wants the world to revolve around her. I didn't take my kids to see her when I was on mat leave. Too busy with groups etc. DH was expecting me to go to her but never communicated this to me. He hoped having a grandchild would give her a new lease of life. She could use public transport but couldn't be bothered. It caused massive problems between us and became a bigger and bigger elephant in our relationship.

Speak to your DH then go from there. It's a long way for a day especially with such a young child. If mil is that bothered she has to make some effort.

YANBU - those days off are to spend with your baby, not your MIL. I'd sign up for a regular class or something you'd enjoy doing with DD.

Sorry but she has made the choice not to drive in an area where it is obviously necessary or she would be able to move herself around without inconvenience to you.

Your husband (her son) has managed to do it. You have managed to do it .. most people I have met have managed to do it. Yes it's expensive initially but it is an investment in a more convenient life for me my kids and my wider family when we live outside an area with comprehensive public transportation.. and is therefore a priority before holidays and other luxuries - so I am afraid to say that your MIL is being unreasonable in expecting you to facilitate her life choices. (I am almost always in the MIL side in these debates as a MIL myself)

With the caveat of course that she is not blind and/or subject to an illness that the dvla does not allow behind the wheel .that you have not mentioned in your OP.

I knew someone was going to say that before the thread was much older.

Posters telling the OP to ditch her MIL would no doubt have learned from threads like this, if their own natural empathy had not already told them, what is reasonable to expect of their DIL and how to be an asset to the family rather than a pain in the butt, so that they are welcome. I, for example, am a MIL and GM. I do not have a miserable sod of a partner. I'm happy to meet where and when suits them (work permitting), and I get myself there. DS and DIL's main purpose in life is the fantastically important one of bringing up my DGC, not of entertaining me. I'd be upset if they didn't want to see me, but either they do or at least I'm not putting too much of a strain on them faking it We are also in touch by phone, text or email as required. I'm a family member, not a chore. (I might be a pain in the butt too, I'm sure DS would say so, but they're used to that.)

I’d not expect my toddler to sit in a car for 1.5 hours then have to sit in a cafe for even longer and mess around with their nap and eating routine just for a sake of a chat. If it’s about spending quality time with grandchildren, then the time should be suited to said grandchild. Otherwise it’s just a ‘have a natter and got to say I saw grandchild for the sake of it’ moment isn’t it. Not actually quality family time. Mil or her son need to make a better effort here, that’s the expectations of them.

if i was being this kind of MIL? then it would be nobody's fault but my own if my DILs didn't want to facilitate this.

I loathed my MIL. Couldn't bear to be in the same room as the racist misogynistic old bag. So i never went to see her. DH facilitated all contact between her and my DC and it was fine, except that they are girls and she was a sexist old trout so they soon tired of being expected to worship their male cousins, give way to them in all things and tidy up while they didn't. So they stopped too. And we were all a lot happier when that happened.

If she hadn't been such a horrible person it may have been different. But i suspect I'd have been encouraging my DH to take over that side of things while i handled my family.

Depends on the toddler and the expectations you have of them and family life. Once a week or fortnight meet up sounds normal to me.

How do you know it's her choice not to drive?

She may have a medical condition which prevents her from driving.

Just what I was thinking. Our DC is grown up now. The times he was able to spend with GPs are some of his best memories. All of our meet weekday meet ups with my parents revolved around coffee shops and my mum would bring him a mini cheese sandwich. Some of those coffee shops were in town, some at the garden centre or NT properties. None were in soft play, although we did go to local parks with them and had play equipment at their house.

Our meet ups with MIL were visits and holidays. Likewise, we never went to soft play apart from the small one in a cafe area on holiday and we only did that because it was raining.

Who has said this? Most posters seem to be saying it’s her son who should be making time for contact, or that MiL should be more child friendly in her wanting to meet up. And it’s not unreasonable to not want to every week regardless. Why should the op have to go out of her way with a bored toddler every week, it’s unfair (and I’d say the same if it was her own parents expecting the same).