Meeting up with MIL without DH

My typo - I meant mean not to let DH do it on his day off.

i would phase out to once a month. That is enough really.

If its mean to expect OPs husband to see his mother on his days off then it's equally mean to expect OP to do the same on her days off

Find a baby group to join local to you or some kind of activity so its a plausible excuse not to meet? Or drop it down to every fortnight/once a month?

Does she have any other social life or is this her only escape from her horrible partner?

Give yourself a break. She is not your responsibility to entertain, that’s your husband’s department. If she wants to see her grandchild it’s up to her to get her backside over to your house and even then it would absolutely have to be on your terms. Personally I’d be wanting at least one of those days off for me and my little one doing stuff I wanted to do.

I think it's really mean (and short-sighted) not to facilitate a relationship with MIL OR to want DH to do it on his days off (the weekend).

But you don't have to drag DD to sit in a cafe - invite MIL to yours, or to a park, or to a soft play, or play group, or whatever. And don't need to drive to her or pick her up each time. She can get public transport or a taxi sometimes.

Honestly, no, it is perfectly natural not to want to make a routine of meeting people you don’t enjoy meeting. So in that aspect YANBU

But, when your other half takes the responsibility you don’t like it either, so in that YABU.

Why can’t her son go and visit her for an hour with your child? Are you trying to control more than you should? Let him go when he wants and not go if he doesn’t. It is his mother after all. You don’t have to be become the dutiful daughter but you shouldn’t be the one that blocks their relationship either just because it is inconvenient to you.

If she's only 45 mins away, why can she not get a bus/train to come to yours? collecting her etc is a bit much

YANBU Just say that you don’t have the travel time and that a cafe isn’t easy for your dd now. Let your dh sort out the visits.

Say now she’s mobile it’s much trickier getting through housework etc it expecting her to sit still in the car for so long to then she in cafe, so whilst she’s going through her current phase weekly isn’t feasible for either of you.

I (mostly) get on with my MIL, but there was a point she was expecting me on every weekday off, and TBH sometimes I just wanted a nothing day with my DD who is tired from nursery or the weekend or whatever.

I started inventing plans.

Agree with others - arrange once a month, in a soft play type cafe, or a farm park, or beach/lido/splash place or somewhere else the baby will enjoy, especially in the summer. Make it an outing for a baby you bring Grandma along on, not a chore nobody else enjoys. With any luck that will also help foster their relationship, and she'll have a much better time with a happy and engaged child - so win win all around.

If Grandma isn't interested in an outing centred on the baby's needs and not her own, then maybe she actually wants an excuse to get out of the house, and should join eg bridge club, or a book club, or something, because that wouldn't be about the baby at all.

It wouldn't be fair to 'cut her off' - but everyone in a family has to make the effort to see each other, if that's what they want. Everyone inconveniences themselves a bit, to foster relationships. Sometimes that will be the OP, and other times it will be her dh or mil!
It can't always be that mil commandeers the OP's day off, just because there's now a grandchild in the mix. Give and take is important.

I also don't entirely agree with 'his family, his problem' position taken by some people. When you get married, you do mix families to a degree. My dh would do favours for my parents and they would (and have) do favours for him. I spent time with my in-laws that I might ideally have preferred not to do at certain times and I'm sure they put up with me when they might not always have felt unreserved love. But that's what you do. It only goes wrong when one person wants to be constantly accommodated and another person has to constantly give up their own free time.

I'd say to my husband we will have her here once a fortnight you go and collect her I am not doing it on my day off anymore.

Cut it down to once a month and suggest somewhere other than a coffee shop. Then once a month on a Saturday get DH to take dc to visit her or do an activity like a park or something your toddler would like. You then get a whole day to yourself.

This MIL doesn't really seem to have done anything wrong so I think 'phasing her out' is horrendously cruel.
Yes it's not solely your responsibility but I do believe it's partly your responsibility. Surely marriage, and family means making compromises and thinking of the needs of the family as a whole.
Obviously different if there's been problems and nastiness, but this just sounds like she wants to see her grandchild, which is perfectly normal.

Sounds like she’s making her problems yours!

Also husbands family, husbands problem.

so I think you’re a champ for putting in the effort, and totally reasonable to stop, or at least decrease.

This.

I know how hard it is as a people pleaser. I did this for months with my EX MIL (see my post 'am I being unreasonable to reduce contact with ex mil') and I didnt enjoy it at all.

I would sign up to a baby and toddler class on that day (perhaps invite her along to it - she can make her own way there) and tell dh he needs to organize seeing her. Dh needs to answer any questions about it, explaining that an 18 m old doesn't like to sit in a cafe.

If this is how OP feels maybe she should suggest something other than a cafe. If this was my MIL I’d have suggested something different and if the suggestion was rejected I’d visit every other week. I certainly wouldn’t be cutting her off. I don’t see an issue taking an 18 month old to a cafe anyway, kids that age are easy enough to entertain with snacks, books, toys ect

Whilst I understand your sentiment her DMIL is interested in "making memories" or the enjoyment of the OP or her DGD. It sounds as though she's just looking for a bit of a chat in a cafe each week away from her awful Partner.

I can’t believe some of the comments here about not ‘giving up’ your day off! MIL became family when you married and although it’s hard work she won’t be around forever, making memories with grandparents is so important. Suggest something child friendly and do it every other week but don’t ’phase her out’ as some have suggested. What an awful way to treat someone.

Don't spend your precious days off meeting up with MIL and don't feel bad about it. Let your DH take the little one to meet up with her at the weekend and have a bit of time to yourself! It's entirely her own fault that her husband is so horrible that you can't visit her home. That's her choice and she can't expect everyone else to inconvenience themselves because of it.

You are not being unreasonable, use your days as you see fit. Don't start a regular thing with MIL or you'll get stuck with it and even harder to get out of

Off topic but the whole 'you deal with your parents, he deals with his' type of thing is so alien to me! When I married my husband, his parents became my parents and the same for him with mine. Equal effort from both to each.
That being said, if I don't want to meet up or go round I just say so. 'i can't today, I've got plans/really want a lazy day at home/don't feel well (whatever the reason I am always honest!), how about X day instead?' never been an issue

It’s nice to be able to keep the relationship between your daughter and her Nan, it’s hard but being the bigger person and helping to facilitate this is the kind thing to do. Once a week on a cafe isn’t ideal though. As others have said maybe a soft play, most have cafe areas she can sit in and it will be more fun for DD at least. Regimented once a week isn’t needed either, can just be as and when you have the time so you aren’t tied down too much.