Suspect husband is lying about money

He is lying to you without a doubt. What is he spending this loan/credit card debit on, if he is transfering money to you for household bills from his salary.

Ok he lied loads but yesterday has finally/eventualy/been cornered/forced/caught out to tell the whole truth which is backed up by statements emails and credit reports

Unfortunately there's rather a lot credit reports don't show up, loan sharking and money from friends or relatives among them

I'm wondering if his initial comments about being hopeless with budgeting / separate accounts wasn't a huge red flag and that he was trying to keep things from you even then, but I very much respect that you've made your decision and can only hope it works out

Is there a chance of you both classing all money as both of yours? Paid into one account then bills are paid, then taking your pocket money, maybe his in cash and finding a way to sort through any debt he’s made?

He would have to agree of course and he may feel like he’s being treated like a child this way but if he wants to get out of this possible debt he may have, it could help you.

‘In the past I gambled stupid amounts’

This is what makes you a gambler- the amount that you have wasted on it.

sorry just seen more recent updates, too late to edit. Please ignore.

Id check your own credit score. Its not unusual for people to take out loans in the other person's name. How manageable is that debt with his income? If it's gone to debt collection but should be an amount of repayments he could manage Id be concerned about other debts. As for the financial links thing I don't think its clear cut and you should talk to a lawyer not take MN advice on that. I believe a judge can decide during the divorce if the debts count as marital debts and this may be influenced by what the money was spent on. I wouldn't assume no financial links means no financial responsibility. You're married, a marriage forms financial links between the parties, whether that extends to hidden debts in his name only I couldn't say.

I could have written this. He is lying you need to insist on seeing every official letter with your own eyes if you want to stay with him. This kind of worry will kill you off xx

Just want to offer you a bit of support OP. You’ve decided that the good in your marriage outweighs the bad and have chosen not to leave. You have the right to feel this way. You’ve set boundaries re GA, which appears to be the root cause. DH might find a budget useful so that he can pre-plan where his leftover money will go once he’s paid you for his portion of the bills—I’ve found that having a spending plan in place on payday helps me to avoid impulse spending and to be more conscious of my spending.
Married couples do not have to combine finances—I don’t understand why so many on here insist that married couples must throw all of their earnings into a combined pot every month. You do you.

If it was me I would insist his wage goes into joint account and he gets a monthly allowance.

One current account no overdraft. No credit card.

I'd open all mail and hold all documents- passports etc.

No phone/laptop locks.

In fairness OP, you said “I appreciate recovery is hard. I have self excluded myself from online gambling after struggling myself .”

Struggling to stop gambling and needing to self-exclude is very different to a social, casual gambler. Most people just stop if they notice they’re spending a bit too much - unless they have an actual problem. You describe a “struggle” and needing to self-exclude which puts you in a minority of people, and very much a “gambler”.

I don’t see any comparison to Doris down the road who plays the lottery once a week.

The flip side of this is that you’ll have insight into the struggles that your DH has, and might be better placed to identify the triggers.

I’m not suggesting you LTB - but I think you need to be very clear-headed about what your future looks like. Realistically you’re going to have to keep checking up on him forever because he seems to have a pattern of resolving the issue, abstaining, then relapsing. Which is pretty common for gambling addictions. The minute you stop checking up on him, he’ll have the space to deceive - and he may not be able to help himself. With that in mind, you therefore need to be ok with the fact that this is a new way of life that’s here to stay.

To pick up on something a PP said - there are plenty of ways to get around the GAMSTOP self-exclusion. He could play tomorrow if he chose to. And that’s the risk. And it’s why you can never stop checking up on him, even if he ends up permanently self-excluding with GAMSTOP. **

It’s not a popular view but if my relationship was good in other ways, I’d probably be trying to find a way to work this out too. It’s probably not the smart option or the easy option, and you’ll both have to accept that you need to oversee his finances for life to be able to work this out. That’s a lot to ask of you both - it’s very tough.

Best of luck.

**(My job involves online casinos and regulation).

Say you've been thinking about it and you realise that if it was from Virgin it would say so on the outside of the envelope. So you're pretty certain it wasn't from Virgin, and the fact that it said 'to be opened by addressee only' makes you think that it's from somewhere like a debt collection agency as you've heard that's how they address their envelopes. So you need him to come clean about who it's from and you will help him sort it out, however bad it is. Ask again to see the letter, if he says he's thrown it out you need to say that if he's not dealt with it then that is very dangerous for both of you. Wait for him to respond and then don't give up until he comes clean. If he doesn't, or just argues about your lack of trust then I think you have to seriously think of your future, sad to say. And I'd be doing what others have said and opening his mail. And I'd tell him I'd be doing that!

Yes, and I think recall a bbc article/programme about people registered with gamstop being targeted for marketing by unregulated firms.

However, it seems as if OP's DH put himself on gamstop unprompted, so we have to assume he's genuine.

It would be worth however

a) maintaining ongoing monitoring of his banking - both his accounts and his credit reports. For your peace of mind. And

b) discussing with him the a plan to be open with you about any dodgy offers he receives from unregulated sites and how he plans to deal with that from an addiction pov.

My ex was a professional gambler, and the bans are incredibly easy to get round.

No, self-exclusion with gambling sites is irreversible for the period of time in question.

I dont understand why you keep referring to him being honest with you, when he hasn't been? He's lied and lied and then finally fessed up once you've confronted him. Also whats the whole "he's barred himself" from gambling, surely that means he can unbar himself?

I hope there were no nasty surprises on the credit report. I know I said to leave him if he wasn't transparent, but it sounds like he is being, so good luck OP. You can build stronger from this if he's in the right frame of mind.