Reasonable to expect a surgeon to do this?

I've been reading Wifedom by Anna Funder and it's a brilliant account of how men further their careers and smooth their lives by marrying women who take the burden of daily responsibility from them.

Highly recommended: it's a really interesting book in which the author starts to write a biography of George Orwell's wife, realises how he used her, borrowed her ideas and leaned heavily on her while he built his career, then wrote her out of his life and almost out of history. And while she's researching for the project, Anna Funder begins to think of her own 'equal' marriage where, strangely, she ends up doing most of the childcare, and where her husband's career proceeds smoothly while hers is fitted in between domestic tasks...

In one anecdote she uncovers, a disgraced posh bloke arriving in Australia without much money and no one to look after him is advised by an older man: 'Advertise for a maid, interview all the applicants, pick the prettiest one and then marry her — and then you have it all (sex and a housekeepr).' Anna Funder looks at her own life, full of domestic routine and pressure to cook and clean and get children to school etc and wonders if anything has changed since 1910...

It's a problem for a surgeon.
BUT it is no longer YOUR problem.

Much of the time though these habits are made in the marriage.

all the women who promptly give up work or go PT and pick up all the childcare. The DH, and the DH’s job, know he won’t be taking time off for kids as his wife will do it.

then when the marriage breaks down, suddenly expect their ex to a) start earning enough to support two households so they can stay PT/SAHM, and b) sort childcare on their days.

dh isn’t a surgeon but his job was very resistant to him doing nursery pick ups, days off for childcare etc. they would ask why his wife couldn’t do it.

societally we still are fuelling the expectations that men focus on careers while women do the child raising.

if we want to change that, we need to be setting the expectations from the start. Don’t be facilitating his career at the expense of yours.

my friend is a surgeon, her dh also has a “big”
job. They both chose to reduce their hours and share child and financial responsibility. It seems mad to me that so many women don’t suggest that.

It's par for the course. My DH is a lawyer, was a commercial barrister. No way could he have done non work stuff, particularly if he was in court. I never minded because the benefits arising from his professional life were significant.

This comes over as if you have no idea what his job entails.

I mean really- leaving midst an operation? Or not being able to do one?

I work in an acute hospital and dp is a GP. If your ex is on call or in theatre or literally in front of a patient then no he can't answer the phone or leave. But, as a predominantly female organisation the NHS is flexible with working patterns. It seems less common of surgeons than in medicine or gp but now that he's finished his training he absolutely could go down to say 3 or 4 days per week or request short days etc. I have many consultant colleagues who work part time as they have v young children. I have other consultant colleagues who start at 9 on their non ward week (they rotate so 1 week in 10) as they do the school drop off before work. I have many consultant colleagues who will always walk out the door promptly at 4pm but take their admin home with them to do on weekends or after bed times. I know couples who are both gp/consultants and have no local family so they take turns to take the nursery calls. Yes they do have to cancel some patients sometimes or do the pick up and then return to work when their partner gets home but they do it. It's just not the culture in surgery. I
As for regular pick ups, there's no excuse, working full time is not really compatible with young children.
It was hard won but my dp's manager actually rearranged his clinics so that unless he's on call he will deffo finish in time to get home for our dc's bed time. I nagged him for about 6 months just to ask, he just thought it wasn't possible. As soon as he asked they produced a new clinic build and it has changed our life. I'm not even exaggerating. Today he was home at half 5! But I can see that a surgeon may not have many or any part time or active parenting colleagues so he might not be able to see that it is actually possible.

Methinks your ex is being deliberately difficult. He could sort something… if he wanted to!

It’s not unreasonable At all for you to feel frustrated / taken for a ride etc because Dad isn’t taken on his parental responsibilities properly.

If you died tommorow, would the DC be adopted or would he find his own solution. He needs to do his share as the coparent, not everyone can leave work to pick off DC but he does need to find a solution to do his 50%. Be it asking a family member, paying someone, or creating his own network of parents friends to ask a favour. You're his ex, you are not responsible for his career.

Im not saying that he should drop everything at work, and I think you know that, I’m saying he needs to organise his own childcare so that he can go to work and not have to worry. Like any other single parent does..!

Unfortunately it’s often part and parcel of being a single parent. My ex lived over 100 miles away so there was no question of who was the default parent.

YABU in expecting him to be able to leave work unexpectedly given the nature of his job.

However, YANBU to expect that he will arrange for his share of emergencies to be taken care of. His choice of profession should not be your problem now he’s an ex. So does he have family who would be willing to help or can he arrange emergency childcare?

My husband and I both have jobs that are difficult to leave, nowhere near as bad as a surgeon but if I’m in Court and he’s closing a massive deal leaving is really not ideal - so we pay for childcare, have backup childcare we’ve researched and know how to get at short notice and have grandparents we can rely on in case of disaster. He should be making similar arrangements if at all possible so it doesn’t all fall on you.

Seriously you joking op ..NHS worker here....it's a 6am-2am and potentially a 24 hour job and often a crash on a bed somewhere and stay overnight job...no time out...you want your ex dh to leave Mrs jones mid surgery on the operation table or leave a ward round and not see Mr x to listen to his concerns about his surgery the next day to pick up dc...

I wouldn’t feed into this shit anymore. When you were together maybe, not now though. He can put his hand in his pocket to pay for the share that he’s not doing. Why is it ALL your problem?!

Why should your career take a hit now that you are not a couple?

He should have set days that are his days for childcare and if they need something on those days it's up to him to sort it, au pair, nanny, his family... His days - his proble to solve OR he compensates you for the days you have to step in and any negative effects on your career.

There’s no need to be sooo aggressively condescending to OP. A surgeon’s job entails more than literally being in theatre.

You were married to him, had children with him and you are asking strangers what his job involves? Very odd.

My bias being that if you decide to have a child, you will need to make sacrifices to look after the child. Rather than expect someone else to do it.

Why should this be his ex-wife's problem? He decided to have a child and this kind of job, now he needs to find a way to make it work without being a jerk and parasiting on his ex-wife.

Not at all, you were just incorrect in your assumption and your bias is showing.

Your is plural. His and her child.

Touched a nerve I see.

By most of the logic on this thread female consultant would 100% had children taken by social services as no ex would kill his career to run around "her" children.

"Your" plural.

Stop being pedantic to make some ridiculous overly-feminist point.

Or you know - arrange for child care.

You're not being unreasonable. Whilst he can't just drop and leave from his job, he has responsibility to ensure that someone else can when the children are in his care.