Reasonable to expect a surgeon to do this?

Being surgeon is not just having a career. It's much bigger.

If I were you I would keep a record of all that you are doing now time wise, collextions unreliable pick ups and when it comes to it whatever share out in the divorce should be represented financially accordingly.

I have sympathy that even though you are divorcing you are still a slave to his life and not entirely to your own to make your choices as you see fit for yourself. Of course you wouldn't expect him to down scalpel mid operation but he is half responsible for his children so it shouldn't be up to you to sort out his half of the childcare. What you have to consider is whether you would be happy with whatever he put in place in his absence if it isnt you.picking up the pieces... a nanny /a girlfriend /or his mother ...one or all of which may be unpalatable for you.

If it falls to you and you want more say, maybe press for more money from him to pay for a part time nanny that you get to choose to fill in the gaps...that way you get to take your job and have some control over who looks after your children .

Good luck.

Even when they are not doing surgery, they are seeing patients, doing rounds.

Honestly I don’t know. I guess I would hope that we could co-parent with civility and since he understands my career choices, respects them and agreed happily to have children with me and then completely accepted this set up with no resentment while married that yes it would continue in separation and I would hope that in return I could do favours for him with childcare during his time. I understand that this is probably idealistic though. I genuinely feel for the OP it can’t be easy and I really wouldn’t want to have a child with a surgeon, their workload is enormous and many are workaholics which makes family life difficult for spouses. I think if the OP wants him to leave work because her job and career is being threatened then that is one thing and definitely needs a conversation on how to manage but if it’s just in the name of “fairness” and he is doing his bit as a father in every other way then no I don’t think he should be the one to leave work. But he should 100% be willing to be flexible to help her out when she needs it since she is helping with this.

I mean if he’s got his hands in someone’s abdomen then no he can’t leave. I work in healthcare, doctors of all specialities, not just surgeons are often late leaving work, they often have full clinics or be on-call therefore leaving mid shift would mean cancelling numerous patient’s appointments. It’s shit but it is what it is. 🤷‍♀️

Cancer surgeons wife here. I have practically raised my daughter by myself whilst supporting his journey to consultant. I’ve accepted his patients come first, on any given day one phone call could mean he’s
operating through the night (emergencies, not theatre days). His job will never allow him to have a consistent time table. I also work full time and have financially supported him through his PHD, moving constantly (don’t get me started on how ridiculous the system is). Long story short it’s not easy and sacrifices have to be made. But he is a fantastic surgeon, gets amazing results and saves lives - and my support has allowed him to do this, it’s the only thing that keeps me going!

I'm a surgeon (not a consultant) and work with several consultant surgeons and tbh all the consultants manage to get some flexibility in

On days your operating this would be tricky, but this is 1-2 days a week. Obviously half way through a patient you couldnt just leave unless you could get someone to cover. I've had surgeons become sick mid operation and a registrar or on call has had to take over. If absolutely necessary the list could get cancelled, but usually would try and find someone else to cover. It depends on the surgery

Clinic days usually what would happen is someone else would cover, our clinics have lots of doctors on them and they would pick up the extra patients. The consultant would go through the list and advise, and be at the end of the phone if necessary

Admin/SPA (which is usually 2-4 sessions a week) you have flexibility and would be able to leave to pick up a sick child. Bearing in mind that others are also on admin/spa time and can again cover your activity if you are in clinic/theatres

At the end of the day its his responsibility to sort childcare on the days he has his child. Whether that be paid childcare, family or rearranging his work. It's not a very flexible job but plenty of people do manage to be a surgeon and care for their child

I suppose this is an agreement in your household. If you split, would you still expect him to cover all emergencies, even on your days?

@Whatevershallidowithmylife you're gobsmacked that surgeons, and their children, are indeed human too?

Clearly I would do all I could to find another solution but genuinely what would you want me to do if my husband was away and my child had to be collected due to serious illness/injury?

Am I allowed to cancel an operation because I fall ill myself or is that also unreasonable?

I cancelled some patients a few weeks ago because my Dad died - should I have cracked on because they had been waiting years for their surgery?

You learn very quickly in this job that everyone is indispensable. To the managers I am simply someone to fill a slot on a rota. People literally drop down dead and the only concern is who will cover their next shift!

I'd feel bad for cancelling a patient but would ensure they were fitted in within the next week or so. I wouldn't regret being there for my child.

I wonder if one of the posters on this thread was one of the people who complained that her, non urgent, ten minute job, surgery was cancelled (and rescheduled for the next day) on the day that I gave birth to our firstborn. She was even told he was at the hospital with me, but no, not a good enough reason.

It sounds like it is unclear as to what level of responsibility you have agreed he should take for childcare, pickups etc during the week. Note that this does not mean he has to personally, physically do the things he takes responsibility for. But it seems like when you were married you did it all and now that has continued, partly from habit partly because the children live with you.

It's a lot combined with your job.

What I'd do is work out what you think WOULD be fair. For example should he be responsible for school run/wraparound 2 out of 3 days a week. Then, if his job means he can't personally carry that out, he can pay someone else to do it - a childminder or whatever the best solution is. Potentially, between you, you could fund this 5 days a week, as consistency is much easier for everyone, especially kids.

Ad hoc collection if they are ill at school etc is harder to plan for but it would be an easier thing to bear if you weren't also doing all the planned routine admin.

Oh yes, should probably say my operation being cancelled 4 times in six months has lead to my cancer no longer being operable but hey if your babysitter has let you down off you pop home, don’t worry about us mere patients terrified they’re going to die….

No idea what you would do but I would not expect that people who had been waiting probably years for their operation might have it cancelled due to childcare issues. Certainly not their problem your DH works 2 hours away either. I genuinely am just gobsmacked.

Surgeons are parents too. Of course they have to go and sort children out, stay home if their children are poorly just like any other profession. Appointments have to be shuffled about, swap shifts around etxlc. Of course there are days when it would be tricky for them to get out but as parents they would have to. Not ideal, but it can't be helped. I have had appointments cancelled, Im not always told why, but I wouldn't be surprised or angry if it was for a family reason. I'm not that entitled. Surgeons don't operate every day of their working week. There are strict rules on amount of hours they can perform surgery and are fewer than you think. That's for patient safety and to make sure the surgeons have enough rest. You don't want an overworked suregons operating on you. I'm sure he has non-clinical days when it would be easier for him to get out and he could cover on those days. I think he has gotten used to you always covering and doesn't see it as his job. Very unfair when you have a senior role too and you are both parents. They are humans, their family comes first, however important their job is.

My friends daughter married a lovely man who's now a junior consultant. The daughter comes home to mum and dad sometimes with the toddler and baby because of his workload . It sounds tough on families

This thread is fascinating. Working in a hospital quite a high number of consultants are married. When their dc are ill one of them has to collect! They work out which has the least impact at any given time.

I knew a couple where the woman was a surgeon and the husband corporate Head of job. They had an au pair as one of them would often have to work late. Is that an option?

Sorry I do think YABU. I’m a nurse in ICU with 1:1 ratio of patient to nurses, my husband is a managing director of a large engineering firm, so technically a “bigger” job than mine. If one of our kids are unwell or gets sent home from nursery or whatever he is always the one who has to leave work. Of course I have parental responsibility and if there is no other option available I will leave work (has actually never happened) but I will always use every single other possible option than leave an ICU with unsafe staff ratios. So unfortunately in this situation, when peoples lives are actually at risk he does get a pass I think. I feel for you though it’s not easy having to always be the default parent and it’s not fair that his job “trumpts” yours but in this scenario I think it actually does.

This attitude is so very annoying. Even though actual surgeons are commenting on the thread, you know best and imagine a surgeon is in theatre 100% of the time. If you don't know how a certain job works, just say that instead of making ludicrous statements.

That's great for your dad. Was he a workaholic? A QC (KC now)? Top of his game?

My dad was a commercial barrister and a single parent and he made it work, it’s not impossible

No, but apparently your comprehension and language skills could use a bit of improvement.
"Your" plural, as opposed to "Your" singular.
I said "Your child". That means the child of her AND her ex-husband.

Why don't you ask the at least two female surgeons on this thread who don't think they should have to plan alternative provision for childcare emergencies, or those who don't believe it exists, or who say that the large salary isn't enough to pay for it, but yet expect the male surgeon in the OP to have that very same thing arranged on "his" days?

For what it's worth, I do think he should have alternative provision arranged, just as I think the female surgeons should too, but apparently it's only the man who's being feckless by not doing so.

This is something he could discuss in job planning- on his non-theatre days he could probably start a little later or finish earlier to accommodate breakfast club/tea club run. I do.

OP would you be happy to have a nanny be responsible for your kids on "his" days? So drop off/pick up, taking to clubs, collecting from school if they are feeling unwell? All left to a stranger? Because that's what a lot of people with these types of careers rely on. The culture among surgeons is not generally family friendly and I'm sure you knew this when you decided to have kids with him.

If you're happy for him to outsource childcare then insist on it, though you can't really force him to have 50/50 custody can you... If you wouldn't be happy with a nanny doing his bits then you'll probably have to make peace with being the default parent.