Reasonable to expect a surgeon to do this?

To be fair she does say that he became a consultant after they separated. But even so, how can a grown adult not know what a surgeon/consultant does or why they can't just leave work at the drop of a hat?

This.

not surprised you’re getting divorced if after marriage and kids you apparently are clueless about his jobs responsibilities.

you’ve taken so little interest you honestly don’t know what his working week looks like? You haven’t discussed how many days he’s in theatre, when his clinics are?

I am in an allied field and my “non negotiable” days are in the calendar. Dh knows I can’t leave and childcare is on him. Other days are flexi so I’ll do pick up or drop offs so he gen get extra hours in.

there’s a massive communication fail somewhere.

I was going to come on to say this, but not as a consultant. If a woman is a consultant surgeon, I bet that she still has to do loads of the pick ups/drop offs.

Your issue is that your EX doesn't consider day to day childcare his responsibility. Sadly, you can't force him too. I just hope he pays generously towards costs, including emergency childcare?

Yanbu at all but I guess the nature of his job means he literally cannot leave at the drop of a hat

It’s about being a responsible parent though.
If he can’t up and leave then he needs to arrange for someone else to take over.
Consultants share work, patients and even swap ops.

She married a surgeon. She should have known the realities of that and not had children with him if that was going to be a problem for her. I'm sure she benefited long enough from his surgeon's salary while they were married and is still benefiting from his maintenance now they're not. Now she wonders if he's "taking the piss" because he can't cancel consultations and surgery to pick up their child.

Come on. Don't be so ridiculous. Of course he can't. Yes, perhaps he could arrange to pay for someone else to do it, a nanny or au-pair, on his days, but that's not what the OP wanted; she wants him to drop everything to pick their child up.

I was a Consultant Anaesthetist for the majority of my children's school years. It's difficult, but not impossible to get away from that kind of job in an emergency. Obviously you can't just down tools and walk out in the middle of an operation but nobody is indispensable and nobody is doing urgent work all the time. It's unlikely that your ex would never be able to respond to a childcare emergency but the difficulty will be that knowing when he could and couldn't won't be that easy. Though if for instance he is always in theatre all day on a Monday but goes to a departmental meeting most Thursday mornings it's fairly safe to say that he'd be more likely to be able to leave on Thursdays than Mondays.
It also depends on the nature of the emergency. I was the Consultant on call for ICU when I got a call that my Dad had died. Obviously I couldn't just walk out the second I put the phone down but it didn't take too long for one of my colleagues to come into relieve me. I also once left theatre when I was told my son was in A&E having been knocked unconscious at school. Nobody expects their colleagues to continue to work in really serious circumstances and, in my experience at least, people will rally round in a genuine emergency. However, I think I would have got short shrift if I'd asked a colleague to take over my work because one of my children had a cold or something.
It's not black and white and will always be a balance of what is happening at work vs what is happening at home.

Precisely and they’re paid handsomely for their skills.

Surgeons can chose to work longer but fewer days.
There days are not full on in the theatre, most of their time is spent consulting.

Technically they could arrange days or hours to suit but dropping everything in an emergency if you are due in surgery is a big ask. But as I’ve noted, they are not always in surgery.

He has a right to leave work if there is an emergency, just like anyone else. If he doesn’t want to cancel appointments and ops then he needs to sort out a regular stand-in. Consultants share work and patients with others, it’s quite normal.

Then you know where you are in an emergency. Your exs job should not trump your ability to improve your lot. He’s not exactly going to be splitting his pension with you after all!

When I have an appointment with my consultant surgeon I’d be pretty pissed off if he announced to the clinic that he was just off to do the school run at 3pm and would be back in a bit. Anyone with half a braincell would know that they can’t just up and leave when the fancy takes them.

I’ve had operations that have started at 2pm and lasted for 4-5 hours. I’ve been in theatres observing operations that have gone on for 12hrs and worked in clinics that are packed out for hours on ends. Consultants can’t just do the school run, they’re very busy people.

What I’m reading from this head is that surgeons shouldn’t have kids!

If the children live with you, what is it that you think he should be doing?

People are spectacularly missing the point here I think - no one is expecting OP's ex to walk out of an operation or cancel their surgeries

But he's being paid a decent amount and their should be able to arrange an "on call" nanny/au pair/childminder for the days he is responsible

Just leaving it to OP to pick it all up, having her work affected, her career taken less seriously, her pay reduced for emergency leave isn't on - THEY ARE SEPARATED! He needs to arrange his own childcare, end of.

Good points made by the people pointing out that:

• If he was taken ill, they'd have to find cover or cancel operations
• Being a surgeon doesn't mean you are in theatre every hour of the day
• If he's a surgeon, he's making enough money to afford help

But crucially in this scenario: his job doesn't absolve him of all responsibility as a father. And you're not asking him to step in every other week, it's emergencies! There will be other surgeons out there who don't have another parent to rely on...

Sorry OP I've just reread your post and spotted he's your exh. I'd still be discussing this with him. Maybe he should be paying for a child minder to drop off or collect on his days/turns.

Of course a surgeon can't just take a couple of hours off when a childcare emergency comes up! But (I assume) they are very well paid. Well paid enough so that the other parent (whether they are still married or not) is able to stay home or do a flexible enough job that they can cover all these emergencies, OR pay a live in nanny or similar who is available to cover childcare.

There you go OP. I'd discuss this with your DH.

Sounds like a conversation needs to be had as to how he can be more 'hands on'/providing more practical support rather than just abdicating any responsibility. ie if admin days are set each week he could be doing the school runs or be the one on call for children.....

It may be difficult for him to leave his job but it’s no longer your job to support him in his career. Either he pays you an ongoing maintenance in addition to what he pays towards his kids to compensate you for loss of career prospects and earnings or he does what everyone else does and find appropriate childcare for when he has his kids and he pulls his weight with the kids.

If your husband is a surgeon it might just be a bit tricky for him to walk out of he's in the middle of operating on someone 🙄🙄

I guess the answer is yes he could leave, if there was no other option, but if he’s in the middle of an operation it wouldn’t be quick or easy and it would have a huge knock on effect. But he doesn’t need to, does he? Because he knows you’d turn up before the school called social services to collect the children.

Surgeons work ridiculously long hours, but I am sure he can afford to arrange and pay for a childminder to pick up some of his share of child care related commitments.

There must be loads of couples who are both consultants/surgeons etc (I know of at least one) who have kids. There will be solutions re. nannies etc - he can't just say 'I can't do that'. What if there wasn't another parent he could fall back on? I'm sure he'd make it work then.

There are many jobs where it is not easy to walk away instantly for child care:

• train driver
• airline pilot / crew
• deep sea fishing
• police
• fire service
• ambulance crew / driver
• medic
• Samaritans
• etc.

(for reference, my wife is a surgeon)