Reasonable to expect a surgeon to do this?

So I guess the question here is, since this man doesn't have a spouse anymore, should he still be doing the job? Or should OP still offer the flexibility of a spouse and make her life work around his even though they're divorced.

He can pay for chidcare-like many single mums on much lower money do!

If you're in the middle of a divorce and still working out arrangements, I would have thought the easiest thing to do was have set days a week when each of you are responsible for the children. How will you be splitting contact, 50/50? On his days, he can organise and pay for a nanny in his own home if need be. He doesn't get to rely on you for childcare on the days when he has contact.

I think if he can't/won't do 50/50 then whatever extra costs that incurs for Op he pays.

Op was doing it all when they were married & is still doing it all!

And should be according to some on here!

That's where we differ. No, we may never be told, but I do think there are absolutely non-acceptable reasons for it. Picking up child with a bug from nursery if they've been sent home is an not an acceptable reason to cancel someone's cancer surgery. A surgeon with children obviously knows that their child being sent home ill (for example) is a possibility, so they should have a back up plan. And if they don't, or if they think this is an acceptable reason to cancel someone's surgery or appointment, then they are in the wrong profession.

So I guess the question here is, since this man doesn't have a spouse anymore, should he still be doing the job? Or should OP still offer the flexibility of a spouse and make her life work around his even though they're divorced.

Did you actually read the post . He became a consultant AFTER they separated. The children have 2 parents it is fundamentally unfair all the childcare is the mothers responsibility. If he cannot do it then he needs to pay for someone to fulfill that responsibility. His job ( whatever that might be) does not diminish that responsibility. I would see a solicitor.

This.

They aren't lying if they say they have had to cancel at short notice. That's all the communications required. You don't need details of the surgeon's emergency, or indeed whatever other demand took precedence.

This is one of several types of jobs where if you want to have a family you either need a spouse who picks it all
up or you pay for a full time wrap around nanny who can do overtime etc. It’s just the way it is. Some jobs have too much responsibility (life or death responsibilities!) and zero flexibility.

Nobody's lying. Nobody tells you the reason why your surgery has been cancelled. It could be all manner of things.

He wasn't a consultant until after they separated, though? I think that's why she's asking.

Even worse then, if they're lying about it.

Can you honestly not put yourself in the shoes of someone living day to day with a debilitating condition, or in severe chronic pain, or waiting for a cancer operation, who may have waited months for an appointment for help and who has that appointment cancelled with no warning on the day for a reason like that? Not because the surgeon was sick, but because of a child care issue?!

They would never know that was the reason though, would they? I know lots of people who've had operations cancelled and it's always really distressing, especially if it's for something like cancer treatment. But you are never going to be told... sorry, the surgeon has a childcare issue. You are probably going to assume an emergency took precedence.

Yes, obviously, if someone else can cover and the patient isn't affected, then of course.

But if they can't? No. They need a plan B, and morally you really shouldn't be in a job like that with that much responsibility towards other people if you don't have one.

@arethereanyleftatall

Fair enough! I take your point.

and you are that handsomely rewarded for it,

It's well-paid sure, but from what I know, not especially so in the UK, and still not to some exceptional level.

Apart at all from finances, if there's a family emergency, of course a surgeon is entitled, all other factors considered, to take the needed time. Colleagues will cover, operations will be rescheduled as a priority. A decent surgeon won't do it lightly, but they may have to, and of course that's ok!

Well, I know my ex as you know yours. Straight talking works for him. He's never asked me again. Perfectly friendly relationship.

operating lists usually have a team brief at 0845 (some specialities brief even earlier) and the surgeon needs to have seen at least all the morning patients by then and often also casts a quick eye on his or her ward patients/ post ops from day before. many will arrive to work around 730am

theatres often over run and rarely finish early. either way, he needs to be around also to see his ward patients, attend clinics (which also over run) etc

I get that it's frustrating, but that's just the way it is.

Hi OP,

From experience here I can tell that not all days are theatre days and he may have consultations or other things going on.

On the days that he is in theatre, he has to leave very early as they start at 8 the list.

On other days it might be more flexible, but for us it only happens in the morning, as the days he drops off our children he stays for longer in the afternoon/evening to make up for that time.

Might be worth checking with breakfast clubs and afternoon clubs or even a childminder so that you can share the load.

It’s very difficult when somebody is in that profession, but a mechanism needs to be in place so that you can be less frazzled.

Sorry yes- wrong of me to assume a single parent would be a woman!

Would you be happy either way him having a nanny or babysitter looking after them when it is " his time" ?

I'm not seriously suggesting it is on its knees because of the health of its consultants' kids. But when it is already on its knees for other reasons, when people already can not get the help they need in a timely manner or sometimes not at all, an incident like that would be enough to try the patience of a saint.

Can you honestly not put yourself in the shoes of someone living day to day with a debilitating condition, or in severe chronic pain, or waiting for a cancer operation, who may have waited months for an appointment for help and who has that appointment cancelled with no warning on the day for a reason like that? Not because the surgeon was sick, but because of a childcare issue?!

If your job carries this level of responsibility towards others - and you are that handsomely rewarded for it, which surgeons and consultants are - then I think the onus is on you to have a backup plan to not let those people down.

You knew his profession before and I assume are happy with his income. Is it because he is your ex that it is now a problem?

I go to a lot of clinic appointment at. They start at 8 and often finish after 5pm or 6pm.

My guess is that you've handled everything in your marriage and it has benefitted you aswell. So he thinks he can just say "I can't" and you will magically sort it out at your own expense. Og course he can't hold a spleen on his hand and just leave. But that doesn't mean he gets to opt out from parenting on his days ans expect you to sort it out. You need to have an agreement and he needs to sort his childcare out.