Reasonable to expect a surgeon to do this?

Surgical ward rounds start by 8am so they can be in theatre for 9am. Medical ward rounds start at 9am. The only time he would be able to leave for child emergencies is when he is on his paperwork half day. If in theatre or clinic really unlikely unless you or your child in hospital. If your child was in an accident and the surgeon couldn’t operate because they had to do the school run unexpected, really sucks. There are some jobs where sadly it’s easier for one parent to work from home or leave work and not another. Like if one is in the forces etc the other often doesn’t work for this reason.

Yes I have, actually. And I am so grateful to the people who saved me. I can’t imagine treating them with the complete cold hearted disdain which you are. Your approach of “Thank you for saving my life but frankly fuck you” is not how I saw it at all.

People’s surgery is cancelled for all kinds of reasons, usually not because of the surgeons who are extremely dedicated and hard working people who go above and beyond for their patients. do you think the NHS only cancels cancer operations occasionally or for surgeon’s convenience?

Im not surprised you say “not my concern”, your attitude on this thread is selfish and unrealistic in equal measure.

No. You are not being unreasonable. Being a surgeon doesn't absolve him of parental responsibility. By doing this he is curbing YOUR ability to progress. I can't believe what I'm reading on this thread.

He may not be able to physically collect them but that doesn't make it YOUR job. He needs to sort out adequate contingencies. You are no longer married. You do not need to be facilitating his career

On over £100k/yr plus the £000s in well paid senior job OP does? Of course they can afford it. Might have to skip the annual ski trip.

My dad afforded a nanny when my mum was a SAHM and he was just a RAF Military college professor.

Show me where I've said that.

Someone's surgery is however more important than most things, yes.

It's really not the OPs problem. It's his problem to sort out. If he can't be responsible then he needs to pay someone or ask his parents to do it. Surely you aren't suggesting he is too important to parent 🙄

Just FYI - not quite. They make 100k ish unless private and will take home circa 55% of that.

A nanny would cost circa £35k a year.

That leaves £20k to live on.

It is doable but not likely. People forget that when you employ someone you have to pay their gross salary from your net salary.

Like the lack of regard of cancelling your patient's operation to go and pick up little Jimmy from nursery, you mean?

My husband is a surgeon. The days he operates (2, that's very standard) I am default parent. Two other days it's him and the last day we work out as needed. Consultants don't operate every day... of course he can't leave when he's operating but that's not the whole week. The other days you should be able to share

Not my concern. But they need SOME kind of back up plan to pick up the kids if needs be. You can NOT cancel someone's vital cancer surgery because your kids' nursery wants them to go home. You need another way of sorting that out. My god, have you never been in the situation where your life is completely reliant on someone else being available for an appointment?! If not, count yourself extremely lucky.

The OP is talking about "running around after the kids", not life and death emergencies.

I have a number of surgeon and consultant friends.

I don’t know of any who don’t do the school runs.

Although it’s private school so drop off can and usually is 7.45am and pick up any time until 6pm - a standard 8.45-3.15 day would not be doable every day. But they definitely do have flex - not least because they’re the most senior staff there.

Honestly, the attitudes of people really stink. No way we could afford £20k on a nanny even if we needed one, let alone to do nothing 99.9% of the time.

Really he should leave the NHS and really earn the big bucks, not work himself to the bone for patients who display this complete lack of regard.

What kind of surgeon is he? If he’s performing 15 hour long neurosurgery or cardiothoracics or procedures along those lines then yeah, you are probably BU, he can’t just duck out to pick the kids up; other teams of professionals stood by, intensive care beds sat empty waiting for the patient to arrive from theatre, organs on ice, blood on order, never mind the patient who is probably in a pretty grave situation, etc.

I realise it’s deeply inconvenient and you probably feel resentful, but presumably you knew the likely career trajectory of a surgeon when you married and had children with him. He was always going to go for consultant, infact, if he hadn’t and had chosen to remain a junior forever, his contribution and engagement would probably be even less than it currently is.

Perhaps there is a case to make for him contributing towards a Nanny or other provision in lieu of his actual physical presence.

I accept that he can't physically leave work to pick up children. But can certainly pay for someone else to. @Beeturpot You need to have a conversation about this. Urgently.

@Beeturpot
Do the kids live with you full time?
Is exH paying the correct amount of maintenance?
I'd use some of that to lighten your load if you can possibly afford it - after school club / care, cleaner, Tesco food delivery, babysitters.
It's hard work.
My ex-H wasn't a surgeon but was about as reliable as a chocolate teapot.

That’s why they make the big bucks.

It depends. If he is in surgery or seeing patients then no he can't leave. However if he is in his office or in a meeting then yes he could. I would be asking him to share more info about his schedule. If he has certain times as office times then yes he should be able to collect or do child related emergencies.

That would annoy me too. Surgeon or not he needs to adjust his job or do something else to allow him to do his fair share. I understand its not possible mid operation but why should you do it all. Why should the woman have to be flexible and the man not be. I can imagine you stayed at home more while he was early on in his career enabling him to concentrate on his job. Fuck that I'd expected some accomodation for my job too.

The salary of a surgeon alone would pay for a nanny.
I know he’s not offering anything up, but you can make an allowance to pay for a nanny until youngest is 14/15 part of the financial settlement.
He would have to do this of the DC lived with him full time.

This back up plan being spend £20k a year on a nanny just in case?

"First do no harm."

And you want to tell them they have no right to consider their family or ever put their family first?

At the expense of someone's vital cancer surgery or crucial appointment? No, absolutely not, and they're in the wrong job if they think it's acceptable.

I'm sure they get plenty of annual leave in which to "consider their family".

Other times? Have a back up plan. They are literally putting people in life and death situations.

oh yeah let’s tell them they’re in the wrong profession and should leave! Bloody great plan, that’ll get patients treated sooner 🙄

Surely the solution is set days (and he can arrange childcare on his days if he can't arrange work accordingly)? Or he pays you a lump sum each month extra to cover childcare costs?

@RobBeckettsGiantTeeth you are unbelievably unreasonable. You acknowledge what an important job these surgeons do yet seem to have a compete disregard for the fact they are human beings with their own lives.

These are highly skilled people who could earn literally 5 times as much abroad, or in private practice - many are now taking this opportunity in no small part because of shitty working conditions fuelled by attitudes like yours. And you want to tell them they have no right to consider their family or ever put their family first? There will be no one left to give you an appointment in the first place if that approach won out.

I am married to a surgeon and it is insane how much additional work he does over and above what he is obliged to in order to keep the wheels turning for his patients in a badly struggling NHS. If you were one of his patients, chances are he had squeezed you into his clinic as an additional patient. He always stays late. Always sees quite a few more patients in his clinic than he is supposed to. Takes more calls at weekends from the ward than I care to mention. He gives it everything at huge cost to our family life. I am furious at the complete lack of consideration you think he is entitled to in return on the rare occasion of a family emergency.

and no it’s not what he’s paid to do. What he is paid for is set out in his job plan. What he does is way in excess of that, and I imagine that is true of the majority of NHS surgeons.