Am I being mugged off by DP

Have you told your employer?

Tell them what is going on. Get them to arrange a meeting somewhere else for you to attend, if he asks why you are going out, show them the meeting invitation (make sure they know you will do this, so they don’t add anything which would arouse suspicion.

Go out, take your laptop etc. Contact police and domestic abuse support during this time. Come back with someone else for support to collect the rest of your belongings, at the time you should be returning from the meeting, so he has no opportunity to hide them.

Refuges are amazing resources, but yes, tough to live in if communal. That being said, you need to get out - and you know it. Your local authority have a duty to provide emergency temp accommodation. This may be a B&B, but it’s better than being with him.

Tell your bank ASAP, and also check your credit report to check he hasn’t taken anything out in your name.

You can do this. Practically, you are in a strong position, even if it doesn’t feel like you are emotionally. You can do this!

xposted.

Seeing your latest update… is he ever out of the house?

You may need to accept that you need to leave some things behind (I left my house with my daughter and just what I could fit into my mums car). Make sure you know where all important documents are if you can leave quickly.

Also does your manager / hr department know about the situation? I’m wondering if taking annual leave/ unpaid leave could give you a few weeks away from work whilst you find somewhere permanent / sort out internet access (perhaps whilst in a refuge).

Take your wages and go rent yourself a lovely new place, furnished at first might make it easier for you. Take stuff over little by little, as much as you can without him noticing (paperwork, medication, I.D the most important then clothes etc)

He can keep the tenancy in his name, good luck to the twat trying to pay for it. Time to dump the abusive loser and start living your life.

OP please leave this os disgusting abuse. You have been in it so long you dont realise. Don’t worry about material things i left an abusive relationship years ago i walked out with nothing i started over its just material things. Where do you live i would help if i was nearby ❤️

So start moving those things now, make it so you have nothing you love in the house. Ask a friend to look after them and keep your laptop with you. Maybe say you are staying at a friends for the night.

Change the bank detail your wages go into.

his is the sole name on the tendency so you have no requirement to pay.

spend the next month looking at bills and what provider they are with.

leave. Leave no forwarding address and walk out with the minimum you need (do you have children?)

call the service providers and ensure your name is removed from any bills.

leave his arse and use the money you earn to build a nice life for yourself. He is abusing you

Men didn't treat women like this in the 1920s.

Sorry OP, you are in an incredibly coercive and abusive relationship. Some of the comments haven’t been kind, from personal experience once you’re in this type of situation, it’s incredibly difficult to leave, and abusers have a way of gaslighting you into feeling that you are the problem.

It’s good that the tenancy is just in his name, this will be one less way that you can control you. Do you have any friends or family nearby that you could stay with temporarily? If so the best thing would be to leave with your stuff asap (when he is out) then once you are in a place of safety you could start looking for somewhere more permanent to rent by yourself. If not then Woman’s aid may be able to put you in contact with a more local domestic abuse organisation who can provide practical support in terms of leaving. Please do call Women’s aid regardless of whether you have any support in real life close by.

https://www.hsbc.co.uk/help/money-worries/financial-abuse/

All of the banks do this. So whoever you bank with, google them "bankname+financial abuse" and follow their instructions. If you have no bank accounts at all in your name, then follow the road to open an account with them.

Do you have family or a friend who can help you to do a moonlight flit with some bags with your most precious possessions?

X post.

No children is good.

He has worked hard to convince you you have no power and no choice because you believing that is the only way he can control you but it's not true.

You can get away. You can rebuild.

Do you have children with him?

You have a job. You have options although I appreciate it doesn't feel like it.
Stuff is only stuff at the end of the day. If you walk out of that house with just the clothes on your back you will still be free.

Contact womens aid or your country's equivalent if you aren't in England

I voted that you are being unreasonable, because why on earth did you even get into this relationship? You said yourself he has always been difficult. No one forced you to have a relationship with this man.

Does he think it's still the 1920s?

Thank the Lord you're not married. Also the tenancy is his. His problem, not yours! When do you get paid next? Can you speak to work and explain what is going on. Open a new bank account as soon as you can. You can walk out. A lot depends on children but enough is enough. You deserve the life you've worked so hard for. He can go fuck himself 🤷🏻‍♀️

ask for £20 (make an easy excuse), go to a bank of your choosing and open an account. Go into work and have your wage transferred into that account.
this is your account in your name with your money. you can take full control OR can have part of your wages go into it.
either way he will notice and be prepared for confrontation.
don’t marry and pay attention to your pension.

Jesus Christ OP, this is next level financial abuse and coercive control. Please speak to women's aid and the citizens advice bureau urgently. Change the bank account your wages go to. You need help here. Are there children??

Hi OP, do you have any friends and family you can connect with and lean on? I feel angry that someone as hard working and caring as you has been taken advantage of. Yes, the ideal is that you could see reason many years ago, but abusive situations wear people down over time, removing their own sense of self-worth. Abusers take advantage of good natured people.

The good news is that YOU HAVE THE UPPER HAND. yay. You’re the kick-ass earner. You could literally disappear to stay at a relative’s house tonight. I fear if you wait a month, you’ll still end up handing over cash and not have enough for a rental deposit.

Reminds me of my ex husband. I was working full time, wearing worn down shoes & clothes, paying for nursery for him to have a break from the children even though he didn’t work, prepping and batch cooking meals and wasn’t allowed to spend a penny! If I forgot my lunch for work, I’d have to wait until I got home.

All of my money was to be transferred into his account& then he was splurging on everything for him.

First thing I done when I left him was upgrade my wardrobe! Even though he took most of our savings with him and spent it within 2 months 🥴

It is good that the tenancy is in his name. You can leave! Have you got your own bank account? Get yourself a credit card as well. Find yourself a room in a shared house until you decide where to live. Do a credit check to make sure he isn't using your name for anything. You don't need a discussion, just leave a note one day. Start taking important stuff to work. You can do this!

You've been a complete mug. End it.

leave him, he is abusive and is dragging you down

Being a lazy, abusive arsehole isn't a mental health issue

You really don’t need telling, you already know you need to end this.

as a PP has suggested, quietly remove anything you can’t leave behind, change your bank details and ask your next month pay to go into that, and simply leave. I know you don’t have any money at the moment and that’s your big stumbling block, so you will have to time your leaving to be the day you get paid, just go to work that morning and don’t come home go to a travel lodge or a b&b, have anything you need and can’t face living without in the boot of your car the night before, get up In the morning as normal and go.

He has never worked and I do each month he takes my wages and then tells me what I am allowed to have and then I practically have to beg for it

I stopped reading here OP, get out of that relationship!