Am I being mugged off by DP

Are you allowed to leave the house OP, you say you work from home and he is always there. I don't think alot of people on this thread are truly comprehending the seriousness of your dilemna, not much good suggesting squirrelling stuff away if you've got no where to squirrel it to.

She said she struggled working out of a refuge before when she last tried to leave and was forced to return to her abuser.

Can anyone suggest something that might help the OP in this situation, we have to assume the OP has zero support network, family or friends or anywhere else to stay if she had to stay in a refuge on her first leaving attempt.

If you have a good job OP there might be an EAP you can access, or if you have a good line manager or HR person perhaps confide that your partner is controlling your wages and you are being financially abused. Sending massive hugs OP. I hope you can get away from him this time. Xx

I agree.

Plan it with a friend/family member and one day when you’re planning to go and do the shopping or need to go into the office, just leave.

Take your bank card and phone but nothing else is immediately important.
(You will probably need your work laptop too).

If you need anything else then ask a friend to collect it or even ask to meet him in a public place like Asda carpark.

Once you leave that home, do not go back and do not ever be alone with him.

He could potentially be violent but it’s also very obvious that he has you wrapped around his little finger and knows exactly what to do and say to get you back.

If you are a decent earner, then consider getting a cheap B&B or hotel.

As you WFH then you just need somewhere with free wifi and perhaps somewhere a couple of hours away so he can’t find you and you won’t be fooled into meeting up with him.

and please get police, women’s aid or any support you have involved to help you leave and re-establish yourself . The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is just before, during or after she leaves. You don’t know how this man will react. It’s very fortunate you don’t have kids with this man. You can make a clean break.

If the tenancy is in his name, take your hard earned salary and run. You have no liability here.

I’m cringing reading this x he is financially and emotionally abusing you . Please contact the police and have him removed from the house . People like him will kick up a fuss big time if they are told no . O bet he will become violent if you went against him . Do you have kids ? Please you need to leave that relationship asap .

Oh pet, this is horrific. This is what abusers do. They isolate you and tear you done so it feels like there is no way out. They are extremely manipulative and dangerous.

You may think you have no one but that's not true. He has isolated you from people who would help if they knew what was really going on.

You have zero ties to him, no children and no lease.

You have the income. You need to get it transferred to you own account and leave. Take what you can and go.

Talk to women's aid again.
Does your work have an EAP that could help you?

You need just one person one your side and they will help you get out if you can't do it alone. He has deliberately made you feel that there is no alternative but that's not true. People do escape, they really do.

Do you have siblings, family, trusted friends? Even if those relationships soured over the years, they can be rebuild. It took my friend 12 years to leave and our friendship had dropped in that time. I didn't know the half of it but when she called me I was there. Please reach out to anyone you can.

yes this is what I’m thinking too. I don’t understand any of it. How did this situation ever come about?

Do you come from an abusive background /childhood? @Maccaj78 I’m wondering why anyone woman in this day and age would put up with this for one second?

You’re declaring that you’re being “submissive” to a man you’re not married to who isn’t even a provider/contributor to the household and clearly has no respect for you or your autonomy . Why did you ever think this was a good idea?

Do any of your family/friends know about this? Surely if he took your stuff to his Dads house you could’ve just reported him to the police.

I’m so very sorry for you and I hope you get all the therapy and support you need, but I’m just a bit confused by it all 😵‍💫

You're not being used. You're being abused.

Op, whilst I feel sorry for you, it’s also frustrating to read your post, as you sound switched on - you have held down a job, and seem pretty upbeat, and yet here you are handing your monthly pay over to your partner and literally letting him control you so blatantly. You should plan your exit - get your wages diverted to your own sole account, line up another tenancy to happen just before yourges are paid so he doesn’t twig, then gather your possessions and walk out of there. He must leave the house at some point, so just plan it, and get out. What a nasty sounding twat he is.

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Exactly what I was going to say. Can you stay with friends and family until you get yourself sorted? If you can, then explain it to them and go now, right now.

If not, then wait till your next pay day, then check into a B&B and don't go back.

Geez, you’re married to my ex. Get out.
I was in the same situation with four children and a self entitled lazy cunt with heaven knows how many guitars (11), never cooked a dinner, demanded nice clothes, never looked after his own kids. He was arrested and charged with controlling and coercive behaviour. Get hold of your local women’s aid group. They will help you.

Just a caution - I would ensure you are gone, out of the house, with all your important paperwork/stuff BEFORE he finds out your wages are no longer being paid into his account/an account he can access.

He may not be violent now, but a sudden change in 'how things are' may trigger it, and whipping the rug out from under him by stopping the cash flow is a biggie..

In a way though he HAS done you a favour in insisting the tenancy is in his name - you absolutely can just up and leave with relative ease. Find somewhere cheap to go, tell someone where you work, ask for help.. but GO and then change where your money goes so he can't get his hands on it.

Please believe this is not normal, this is financial abuse. You deserve better.

How can he be the lead tenant with no income? He wouldn't pass any checks.

Hmmmm 🤔

Wow I almost don't belive what I just read.That's your money and your house you pay for it.You are defintely being abused.Why.did you let him controlyour money in the first place?
Hope you get some good advise about how you can untangle yourself and get away from this man.

Firstly I would open a new bank account that he knows nothing about and get work to pay your salary in there. Move any of your personal direct debits like phone or car if it’s in your name. Cancel the old accounts and if the utilities are in your name let them know you are moving out.

If you can re establish contact with anyone that would be better if you could go to them but if not I would suggest you look at renting a room for a few months until you can save up for a rental deposit or buying a house.

I would also sneak out some items out of the house if you can and then go for a training/team building few days taking your work lap top and as many of your things as you can get away with.

You need to start investing in yourself and get your confidence back. I would look at therapy and at how best to take back control of your life.

I wouldn’t tell him you are leaving until you have gone and then if possible collect the rest of your things with someone else and tell him in writing not to contact you. You could talk with the police to see if there is likely to be a case that would be prosecutable.

You need to get out.

Look for a room in a house share initially, just to get you out of where you're living with him. Don't tell him your plans, just leave when he's not there. Do it in stages, if possible. When you're in your new place, you can make plans to rent your own accommodation and move on with your life.

He's an absolute thief for taking your money. Sounds like he's got big problems. You don't have to tolerate someone like that.

I am saying you're unreasonable because there is no-one I have ever met who thinks that staying in this arrangement is in any way feasible. Kick this loser out, keep your salary and enjoy your life. You've entertained this nonsense for long enough.

Oh come on. You're more than being mugged off. It is time to get rid. More than past time.

When you decide to get rid there will be lots of people to support you emotionally and practically and I really hope you decide very soon.

I'm now doing really well at work and I have always taken great care of myself now I turned 45 and i don't know how to turn things around.

Good for you OP!!

I cannot imagine why you’d want to be in this relationship.

Why is being single worse than this?

Imagine living alone and focusing on yourself and your career.
Imagine getting paid and having 100% of the money to do whatever you want with.
Imagine having friends and hobbies.
Imagine having stress-free holidays away with friends or by yourself.
Imagine living in a home that is just yours and not having to walk around on egg shells.

This is such a scary thread to read but I believe you are finally ready to be strong and leave him.

Do you have any support in real life?

Does your earnings go into your account or his?

Do you ever go out without him?
Like shopping or into the office?

This is really serious abuse - you need to be absolutely determined to leave and not come back? If you are not there yet - make time to get yourself in a position to see is happening and what a completely nasty piece of work he is.

You can call the police again and speak to their DV team, I have worked with families where the police have come, and escorted the family out with their possessions. If he hides things tell the police.

Refer yourself to adult safeguarding for DV/ financial abuse, by your partner.

If you want to leave you may have to make refuge work for you I know it’s noisy and difficult to work in their but can you go to a local library/ cafe to work.

Can you pretend you have to go into work one day and leave then?

Things will be difficult and inconvenient but you need to make it work - while you save a small deposit for a flat.

The moment you leave you pay him nothing- he is as the tenant on the contract liable for payment.

Please read what is being said here - not ONE person is saying stay- everyone has the same opinion!!

Please leave, stay safe and take care x

Take copies of every single bit of paperwork and give them to someone you can trust before you give any inkling you're about to leave (ditto jewelery) Then when you leave, do it very fast, have a plan. Maybe ask someone to be there with you while you pack the essentials so you can do it without interference. Good Luck OP.

14 years of this has ground you down and robbed you of confidence so that you feel powerless. You are not!
He WFH so I get that it's difficult but I think you should plan carefully
Invent a work trip, team event , extended project working from your office, whatever seems most likely.
Pack things very slowly and collect important documents
Stuff can be replaced secondhand when you're settled
Google financial abuse + your bank name. Banks have a helpline and you can then open a new account
Get your salary transferred there
Stay with a family member/ friend until you can find accommodation and begin your new life where you are free to make your own choices and decisions.

Bloody hell, yes.
Bastard.
Is this real?
😡