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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being mugged off by DP

238 replies

Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 13:51

I have been with my DP for 14 Years which have not been easy. He has always been difficult unless he is getting what's he wants. He has never worked and I do each month he takes my wages and then tells me what I am allowed to have and then I practically have to beg for it. I earn good money yet he always insists we have none. My money pays all bills and food and he says he doesn't have anything yet there are always online packages arriving. He screams if I ask when he got them as he got them with his own money lol!! The other I questioned this again and he told me to get out of his house (which I pay for) knowing I have no where to go and that I have only just handed him my wages. I then looked into an old email of mine that he is using and found hundreds of online receipts from DH Gate and eBay as he constantly tells me he never gets anything. He just told me they were things he sent back.. lies because his wardrobe (which I rarely go in) is full of brand new clothes in packets he told he just likes stuff. He wears the same thing everyday!! He said I'm ungrateful for the thing I have and greedy and don't want to buy him anything.
AIBU for thinking I'm being used and mugged off

OP posts:
Left · 07/05/2024 22:47

Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 22:30

He snapped my arm last yesr because I text my daughters father for her uni address

I agree with the other poster - please tell the police about this too.

Well done for contacting them tonight x

Wallywobbles · 07/05/2024 22:43

Tell the police every incident you can remember so that they have enough information to keep you safe.

I'm not sure you have to leave as joint tenants but I think you'd be safer. Tomorrow talk to your company and ask for support in keeping you safe.

Tomorrow please open a bank account in a different bank in your name. Wise is online and incredibly easy.

Tonight get every single thing you value out of the property to somewhere safe. Even if that is a lockbox rental.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 07/05/2024 22:42

Macca things will get easier and better even though it does not feel like it now. I left my ex with a 2 week old baby and after I left felt I could breathe again and things will improve. Women's Aid please call them as they can help accommodate you and help you get your life back on track, maybe even move closer to your family or somewhere else that you will feel safe. Take each day as it comes and write a list of all the things he has done to you over the years. Be kind to yourself and you are very brave as not easy to move forward. This time nx year you will not know yourself as you will be so much stronger and happier. Keep posting for support as most women on here great.

Original poster
Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 22:36

No

OP posts:
Whatayear2023 · 07/05/2024 22:35

No one on here can make you do anything but if true you need to go to womens aid... say you feeling ill in work and go to your nearest one someone will talk to you.
Leaving is hard af but staying is much much harder... people worry what will I do about x y z but it comes easily soon as you make 1st move to get help

Original poster
Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 22:35

Thank you 🙏

OP posts:
Blibbleflibble · 07/05/2024 22:32

Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 22:30

He snapped my arm last yesr because I text my daughters father for her uni address

Do the police know about this OP. xx You need to make them aware of how dangerous he is. Xx

Blibbleflibble · 07/05/2024 22:30

You are absolutley not unreasonable to be gutted, he's completely shafted you, thank God he's in custody so you can at least collect your things. Also it was not a home it was a cage he wouldn't let you leave. The next couple of months may be a bit difficult whilst you find your feet, please contact your EAP if you have one. When you have your own home and your own freedom when you get to keep your own money you will feel so much better.

Well done OP really sorry he found your thread. I wonder if he has any snooping software on any of your devices. Xx

Original poster
Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 22:30

He snapped my arm last yesr because I text my daughters father for her uni address

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb53 · 07/05/2024 22:26

It doesn't feel like it now OP I know but very soon you will feel so much lighter, having shed the millstone around your neck
Be gentle with yourself because you have been in survival mode, taking his abuse and having no autonomy
Now you have a chance to thrive
Lean on any support you have around you( colleagues?)
If you have drifted from friends because he isolated and controlled you, try to reconnect when you feel able
You've been very brave today.

Ohnobackagain · 07/05/2024 22:24

@Maccaj78 surely you can prove to the landlord you pay the bills and the rent if partner isn’t working?

You need to open your own accounts and have your salary paid there and make sure he hasn’t taken out loans in your name right away.

You must get out of this, you deserve happiness and some lovely things from your hard work.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 07/05/2024 22:21

That's not a home, it's a house.

A home is safe and secure. The main thing is you are gone when gets back. Pack what you can and get out.

Noseybookworm · 07/05/2024 22:20

Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 22:17

Because he made me dependent and owing in the beginning I was studying he also was on benefit because he had wealthy family. Any how he is now in custody as I was asking for advise. I now have to leave my home AIBU for being gutted

No of course you're not being unreasonable to be gutted, it's really hard having to leave your home 😢 but you are gaining your safety and freedom so it's going to be worth it. You will have a new home where you can do what want, have your own money and please yourself. Just breathe. It will be ok, I promise. This is the hardest bit. Better days are coming.

Original poster
Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 22:17

Because he made me dependent and owing in the beginning I was studying he also was on benefit because he had wealthy family. Any how he is now in custody as I was asking for advise. I now have to leave my home AIBU for being gutted

OP posts:
Actupfishy · 07/05/2024 22:13

what have the police done?

Butterfly212 · 07/05/2024 22:12

Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 22:10

How so?

The police should find you a safe hostel to go to if you are worried he will hurt you like a shelter for women.

Original poster
Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 22:10

How so?

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 07/05/2024 22:09

Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 21:58

I have just left thank you all went to the police after he found my post thank you for.ll your advices. I'm very nervous now

Well done OP that's really very brave. I hope the police are helping you get to somewhere safe. Look after yourself lovely 💐 I know it's scary but you are doing the right thing. Your life can be calm and happy again. Your future is bright and you can make a new life for yourself.

Original poster
Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 22:08

CarryOnCharon · 07/05/2024 21:21

Very much neither.

But this sounds unlikely

Show quote history

I am in Essex. I do understand abuse and have always felt I can control it but it has reached a time I ask is it worth it. However he caught me asking

OP posts:
Original poster
Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 22:02

No I was never allowed out of his sight I work from home do not go out by myself

OP posts:
turkeymuffin · 07/05/2024 22:00

Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 21:58

I have just left thank you all went to the police after he found my post thank you for.ll your advices. I'm very nervous now

He found your post on here?

I suggest you name change and ask for it to be deleted.

Follow the advice re womens aid and bank accounts etc.

Original poster
Maccaj78 · 07/05/2024 21:58

I have just left thank you all went to the police after he found my post thank you for.ll your advices. I'm very nervous now

OP posts:
Gorgonemilezola · 07/05/2024 21:57

'Are you allowed to leave the house OP, you say you work from home and he is always there.'

OP goes to the gym so is allowed out of the house.

MountCaramel · 07/05/2024 21:33

Open another online bank account and tell the bank that you are in an abusive relationship so they don't send paper post to you.

Ask finance to pay your salary into your new account.

Change all your passwords and log in details for all accounts.

SeatonCarew · 07/05/2024 21:30

And if she doesn't?