Page 2 | Not answering the question asked…

Unopenedpackofmenssocks · 07/05/2024 10:49

CypressSunflower · 07/05/2024 10:39

No to the first. He is self employed so his hours are very unpredictable. I’ve asked him to put it in the shared diary but he won’t. So if I want to know when he’s out and when he’s home I have to ask.

Yes, I can see that the way I asked could be misinterpreted so I can work on being clearer. But to be honest, this happens whether I’m very clear or not.

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Edited as it said duty not shift 🤦‍♀️

Original poster

CypressSunflower · 07/05/2024 10:41

Thank you so much as always fab MNs. Always helps to get some objective feedback. I feel reassured and gently challenged to change what I do too. 🙏

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Original poster

CypressSunflower · 07/05/2024 10:39

Unopenedpackofmenssocks · 07/05/2024 10:29

See both of these seem to have fairly obvious explanations to me.

he thinks you know his shift times, so by saying “early shift” or whatever, he assumes you know his early shift always starts at 7. Is it possible you’ve not been paying attention to what he has been saying in the past? He might find it quite annoying to have to tell you every single time that the early shift starts at 7.

It’s like if you wore a uniform for work and someone said when you woke up”what are you planning to wear today?”. You might answer “I’m working today” rather than “My work uniform”.

As for the second one, he clearly heard your “question” as being “I know you put x item in the clean things place and I disagree it was clean”. He doesn’t realise you genuinely don’t know where it is.

Edited

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No to the first. He is self employed so his hours are very unpredictable. I’ve asked him to put it in the shared diary but he won’t. So if I want to know when he’s out and when he’s home I have to ask.

Yes, I can see that the way I asked could be misinterpreted so I can work on being clearer. But to be honest, this happens whether I’m very clear or not.

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Original poster

CypressSunflower · 07/05/2024 10:36

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 07/05/2024 10:18

I think some of you are being very impatient, assuming that there is some answer that your partners are deliberately withholding from you and not recognising that people need to think aloud to get to the answer. The ones about what time to leave are all people trying to figure that out by working backwards from when they need to be there and how to get there, factoring in traffic etc. Can you honestly say that in the other person's shoes, you would have an instant answer?

That’s a fair point. But I’d also argue that;

1: when you do that, you are then creating work for the other person who has to listen, process and respond to each statement. Every now and again that’s ok, but several times a day is draining.
2: my example was a simple question and he knew the answer. I could have phrased it differently but he knew where it was.

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RhubarbAndFlustered · 07/05/2024 10:35

My father in law does this! We went to visit and DH said, "Do you want a cuppa, dad?" to which his dad replied, "I've just brought my cup downstairs"
Of course, my husband was stumped. "So do you want me to make you a cup of tea then or not?" To which his dad repeated his initial reply. Eventually my husband had to ask whether bringing the cup downstairs meant that he didn't want a cuppa because he'd just had once or was it a yes he wanted one and his cup was available to be filled? And his dad got annoyed and said, "I've just told you! I brought my cup downstairs!!!" My husband gave up asking and made one for me and one for himself. Afterwards it appeared that his dad was expecting one. He didn't get it.

So now in our house if you don't answer a question with anything that helps then we just say "I just brought my cup downstairs" so you know you're being a fucking vague idiot.

Original poster

CypressSunflower · 07/05/2024 10:33

CreakingLilacHamster · 07/05/2024 10:15

Thank you @Cofaki I realise i am someone who thinks by talking. Not in answer to a direct question like that, but definitely when I worrying or problem solving. I talk at poor old DH so i can firgive his ability to answer a question.
Currently finding journalling helpful as often i don't know what I think unless it's spoken or written

I’ve been meaning to start to journal. I may try that.

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Original poster

CypressSunflower · 07/05/2024 10:31

Cofaki · 07/05/2024 09:58

I forgot to say that my DH is also like this. He will make stuff up instead of saying he doesn't know the answer to something which I find absolutely infuriating because it feels like he's lying to me because he's literally making stuff up and because I'm autistic people lying to me is a massive deal because I don't do lies. I just keep saying to him. If you don't know it's absolutely fine. Just say that!

I wonder sometimes if it's something from his childhood or maybe it is just an ADHD thing?

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Is it a man thing do you think? Do they feel pressure to be right or know stuff? May be it’s the cost of privilege? People have assumed you know what you are talking about, have deferred to you, stopped and listened to you, so you internalise that you should and must know stuff? If you don’t then you are somehow failing?

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Unopenedpackofmenssocks · 07/05/2024 10:29

CypressSunflower · 07/05/2024 07:47

DH often doesn’t answer the question I asked.

For example;

‘What hours are you working today?’
’I’m on Xxx duty’
’Oh. What hours?’
’9-3’

Why not just say the hours first off?

This is a small example but sometimes it can take me another three to four questions to get the information I actually need. Often it will start a disagreement. E.g.

‘what did you do with the xxxxx?’
’It was clean’
’Ok but what did you do with it?’
’It was clean’
’it wasn’t, where is it?’
’it was clean!’
’it wasn’t because XYZ. Where is it?’
’It was clean! I checked it!!
’It wasn’t because XYZ. I just need to know where it is’
’I put it in X because it was clean!’

So the above is something that looked cleanish but I knew was unclean and needed cleaning. If he’d just answered the question straight away, I’d have gone got it, cleaned it, put it back and no further discussion had. No disagreement needed. For info, I don’t have OCD. 90% of people would have agreed you need to clean it.

AIBU unreasonable to find this annoying?

And how can I respond in a way that gets the information I need and doesn’t risk arguments?

See both of these seem to have fairly obvious explanations to me.

he thinks you know his shift times, so by saying “early shift” or whatever, he assumes you know his early shift always starts at 7. Is it possible you’ve not been paying attention to what he has been saying in the past? He might find it quite annoying to have to tell you every single time that the early shift starts at 7.

It’s like if you wore a uniform for work and someone said when you woke up”what are you planning to wear today?”. You might answer “I’m working today” rather than “My work uniform”.

As for the second one, he clearly heard your “question” as being “I know you put x item in the clean things place and I disagree it was clean”. He doesn’t realise you genuinely don’t know where it is.

CreakingLilacHamster · 07/05/2024 10:27

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 07/05/2024 10:18

I think some of you are being very impatient, assuming that there is some answer that your partners are deliberately withholding from you and not recognising that people need to think aloud to get to the answer. The ones about what time to leave are all people trying to figure that out by working backwards from when they need to be there and how to get there, factoring in traffic etc. Can you honestly say that in the other person's shoes, you would have an instant answer?

So what would you do here? Keep asking, or sit tight and wait for the answer?

Original poster

CypressSunflower · 07/05/2024 10:26

Ladyj84 · 07/05/2024 09:50

If you need to figure where your going wrong especially after couples counselling I'm sorry it didn't work. Pointless arguing for things over nothing does not make a relationship happy or work out.

Well indeed. I guess I need to keep side stepping the spurious arguments. As PP have said, whether the thing was clean or not didn’t matter and wasn’t an issue. I just needed to find it. He can be dog with bone though. I’m always optimistic about humans changing so I’ll keep trying.

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Unopenedpackofmenssocks · 07/05/2024 10:22

Pineconepicture · 07/05/2024 08:32

Nope! Here's my email...

Subject: Timings for your stay

Hey name,

We've had a system glitch and have lost access to the time you're hoping to arrive and leave during your stay next month.

Please would you be kind enough to let me know?

Thanks,

Name

I mean, I could have added the exact dates to show that I had that information already, but I had more faith in the human race that people knew the difference between date and time. Obviously misplaced faith though. Will keep lowering those expectations.

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Is this the type of booking where the guest knows that the time is significant? Eg if I were booking a hotel I wouldn’t think I had to tell them what time I was arriving, as you can decide last minute and check in any time after xx time. So they maybe don’t understand why you need to know time, and that’s why they have answered date.

Original poster

CypressSunflower · 07/05/2024 10:21

twoforj0y · 07/05/2024 09:49

OP - I feel the pain, I get it!

In my house:

Me: what time are you leaving at tonight for X?

Him: yes.

Me: what time?

Him: I have to go to the thing tonight.

multiplied by a billion on a daily basis.

My stock phrase is "It wasn't a yes or no question!"

Or his other lovely trait is:

Asking a question - or answering one - while walking out the room I'm in, voice trailing off into the distance... I am left heeding mumbles and catching bits of words...

Me: SHOOT ME NOW

Yes. This too. Or walking off/looking at his phone half way through what I’m saying. I just stop talking now and that seems to work.

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IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 07/05/2024 10:18

I think some of you are being very impatient, assuming that there is some answer that your partners are deliberately withholding from you and not recognising that people need to think aloud to get to the answer. The ones about what time to leave are all people trying to figure that out by working backwards from when they need to be there and how to get there, factoring in traffic etc. Can you honestly say that in the other person's shoes, you would have an instant answer?

Original poster

CypressSunflower · 07/05/2024 10:18

AlisonDonut · 07/05/2024 09:39

So you went to couples therapy because he wasn't pulling his weight and the result is that you weren't begging him the right way?

So now you are walking on eggshells to just get simple answers to simple questions and are still in therapy, he still won't 'get the job done' and leaves you to half do everything behind him, and he is punishing you by wasting your mental time and space now by just dancing around any questions you ask?

If you said 'just answer the fucking question' what would happen?

i don’t think he does any of it deliberately but he has work to do nevertheless.

If I said that he’d get very very angry. That’s the focus currently in counselling b

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Original poster

CypressSunflower · 07/05/2024 10:16

IncompleteSenten · 07/05/2024 09:32

My husband sometimes does this. I then say to him sorry, maybe I wasn't being clear. What is it you think I am asking you?

Then I listen to what he thought I was asking and I can clarify.

Ooo. Nice. I’ll try that.

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CreakingLilacHamster · 07/05/2024 10:15

Thank you @Cofaki I realise i am someone who thinks by talking. Not in answer to a direct question like that, but definitely when I worrying or problem solving. I talk at poor old DH so i can firgive his ability to answer a question.
Currently finding journalling helpful as often i don't know what I think unless it's spoken or written

CreakingLilacHamster · 07/05/2024 10:12

Deadringer · 07/05/2024 10:06

Me: What time do we need to leave at?
Dh: Well we don't want to be late.
Me: So what time?
Dh: Well traffic will be busy so we will need to leave early.
Me: So what time do you want to go at?
Dh: It will take us about 35 mins, so maybe allow 40.
Me: So what fucking time dh? What fucking time?
Just an example.

Familiar!

Deadringer · 07/05/2024 10:06

Me: What time do we need to leave at?
Dh: Well we don't want to be late.
Me: So what time?
Dh: Well traffic will be busy so we will need to leave early.
Me: So what time do you want to go at?
Dh: It will take us about 35 mins, so maybe allow 40.
Me: So what fucking time dh? What fucking time?
Just an example.

Deadringer · 07/05/2024 09:58

My dh is the bloody same. Just fucking give me a straight answer or say yes or no.

Cofaki · 07/05/2024 09:58

CypressSunflower · 07/05/2024 09:57

Yes!! DH can’t seem to stand saying ‘I don’t know’.

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I forgot to say that my DH is also like this. He will make stuff up instead of saying he doesn't know the answer to something which I find absolutely infuriating because it feels like he's lying to me because he's literally making stuff up and because I'm autistic people lying to me is a massive deal because I don't do lies. I just keep saying to him. If you don't know it's absolutely fine. Just say that!

I wonder sometimes if it's something from his childhood or maybe it is just an ADHD thing?

Original poster

CypressSunflower · 07/05/2024 09:57

Lillers · 07/05/2024 09:30

My DH does this sometimes - not all the time, but when he does it really annoys me.

Example from yesterday: we were out for lunch and had paid for parking.

Me: How long do we have left on the car?
Him: Enough time.
Me: I’m trying to see if I have enough time to go to the toilet before we leave. How much time do we have?
Him: You’ll be fine.
Me: trying to rephrase What time does the parking run out?
Him: I can just extend it if needs be.
Me: But what time is on it now?
Him: I don’t know, I’ll have to check the app.

So the reason for the vague answers was that he didn’t actually know. If he’d said that to begin with, I wouldn’t have been so frustrated.

Yes!! DH can’t seem to stand saying ‘I don’t know’.

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Cofaki · 07/05/2024 09:57

I have found my people! This is my husband. He cannot answer a question. I'm autistic and just need a straight answer to a very simple direct question but I don't get it and I think it's due to two things.

One, we suspect he is ADHD and while I don't understand how that results in this kind of vagueness, it does seem to be really common

Two, I think it might be related to something I learnt recently on a training course, which is that there are two types of people in this world, those who think in their heads and then speak out the results of that thinking and those who have to speak out their thinking and work their way to that answer.

I think these verbal faffers are the latter category so you ask what time they have to leave to be somewhere and they have to work that backwards from what time they're supposed to be there and how long the journey will take etc but they do all of that out loud into your own ears which for me is just filling up my head with stuff I didn't need to know and my head already struggles to deal with the stuff it needs to deal with so I find it really frustrating.

I am very direct with DH and say that's not what I asked. I just want to know what time you're leaving or I might say, Please do your thinking in your head to yourself or please do your thinking to yourself. I just want the answer.

People like this do get a bit offended by it, but I think they have to take ownership of the fact that they are complicating other people's lives by spewing out unnecessary noise and facts when we just want the answer to one question and don't want to have to deal with wading through the mire of their minds.

I don't see why we should have to walk on eggshells around that. I'm happy to stand there and allow time for people to think and work it out if they can't answer quickly, but I don't want to have to hear it because it makes my life more difficult

It is very frustrating to live with so and I'm doing my best to teach my children to just answer a question and also to teach them how to work out the answer because sometimes, especially with things to do with time, neurodivergent people get time blindness and I think it can be really hard for my DH to work out what time he has to leave somewhere. He is the classic person who will think he needs to be there at 10:00 and so he's aiming in his head to leave the house at 10:00 when of course he will be late, so some of it I think is to do with that as well.

So it's quite complex but still really frustrating and also not anyone else's problem!

tuvamoodyson · 07/05/2024 09:57

Belfastchild74 · 07/05/2024 08:13

I do this too.

Can you answer the question I asked? And repeat the question.

I also have issues with where you get too much information. If I'm in a rush or just busy, and get the history of the world with the answer buried in there somewhere....

I like to think I'm quite an efficient person, and I hate faff...

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I’m the same! I find myself screaming ‘just get to the point’ inside my head! My sister does this thing ‘guess who I met in Tesco today? Normally I wouldn’t be in on a Thursday but I saw they had an offer on teabags so I went to get some, of course, by the time I saw the offer there was none left! However, I’ve still got some left…..’ AAARGH!!!!!!

Original poster

CypressSunflower · 07/05/2024 09:54

Mumoftwo1312 · 07/05/2024 09:23

You sound really black-and-white about stuff. So you were actually criticising him for putting it away before it was clean, his pre-emptive defensiveness was justified.

What's more important, that the casserole is clean, or chip-chipping away at each other's goodwill?

You said your dh does a lot more around the household. Is it still not enough though - if so, sit him down and work out a better division of tasks.

These little nit-pickings are like a death by a thousand cuts.

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No. I wasn’t being or feeling critical. I knew something he didn’t. Which is why I knew it needed cleaning. I didn’t expect him to do it, or that he would know. My criticism there is him doubting me when I said it wasn’t. Even if he’d have just said ‘oh, isn’t it? How come?’ I’d feel fine. But this is the thing that needs working on next. He doesn’t value my POV on lots of things and shouts me down. That’s why we are in counselling again.

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Ladyj84 · 07/05/2024 09:50

If you need to figure where your going wrong especially after couples counselling I'm sorry it didn't work. Pointless arguing for things over nothing does not make a relationship happy or work out.