Not answering the question asked…

And why should I being hard of hearing have to struggle to hear your working out loud rather than a must easier direct answer. Works both ways you know

Youve inspired me to add 2 hard boiled eggs to today's potato salad so thank you.

10 minutes, I've asked Alexa to pop a ten minute timer on.

Tonight:

me: how long did you boil the eggs for
DH: oh a good while
me: how long?
DH: did my ironing while I waited
me: ok so how long did you boil the eggs
DH: I don’t know
me: are they hard boiled?
DH: yeah should be they were in there for a good 10 minutes

You say are you playing? He says I'm doing x just take that response as a no and move on if he asks why you didn't count him in say you said you were busy doing something else so we played without you if he gets angry ask him why he is angry?

Tbh the dynamics are way off in your relationship he almost goads you then criticises you for your reaction you cannot control him so control your response instead

Maybe people don't realise how difficult questions can be for neurodivergent people. There is so much processing that has to happen under a time pressure of the other person's expectation of an answer. After a while, they can just send someone into an immediate panic.

I do this... sort of.

I had the exact opposite situation with my DM growing up. She would ask me a question, which I would answer, and then she would have to ask a different question because I hadn't read her mind and answered the question she actually wanted answering.

So I started second-guessing what it was she was trying to ask...

Get lost. Why?

Why do I have to live in a way that inconveniences me because you couldn't be arsed to listen to someone figure out an answer?

Why can't you show some restraint and patience and actual love towards these people you are in realstionships with instead of assuming everything they do that irritates you is a personal slight and not just them being a human being in a way that works best for them?

I haven't been on Mumsnet for a while and I don't think I'll stay. Dismayed at how little compassion there is on display.

But you don't have to do it out loud. One step at a time in your head will do

Which is your privilege if you're not neurodivergent. Some of us cannot work all this out in one step. We have to work it through bit by bit.

Yes because id work in out in my head before answering

Do you have a history of kicking off on him for having 'done the wrong thing', 'the right thing the wrong way', or 'something that didn't need doing'?

Asking from the other side as someone who often feels the need to explain her actions.

I feel your pain! I had an ex-husband who used to do this and my eldest son does it too! I assumed it was an autism thing (ex and two sons have autism).

He also does this thing where I say something like “You need to hurry as it’s a quarter past 8). His reply is “It’s not, its’s only 8.13”.

I’ve just learned over the years to adjust my style of communication and not get annoyed as he’s not doing it on purpose. I also try to just to ask very specific questions, even if that means asking more questions than I would need if someone was asking me the same question.

From what I can tell he answered your question; just not in the way you wanted it answered.
I'd be frustrated with you keep asking tbh

Is he a Tory MP? If not, he should be, its a skill they all have.

And I think that I, too, would have been recognised as ND. But never mind, I don't feel the need to pursue a diagnosis now.

The thread has been interesting. In my own case, I think I "don't answer the question" because of fearing criticism, so I am trying to give the answer in a way that doesn't reflect badly on myself or in a way that can't be twisted. And that's a childhood habit, not a problem with my DH. I might consider therapy if I had oodles of money and time, but I don't (instead I have a disabled kid).

Mum? Is that you?

🤣🤣

Seriously though, you have no idea how infuriating it is. My poor Father has put up with this for 50 years. It drives him to despair and it's the thin end of a massive wedge of my mother's refusal to acknowledge her anxiety. You don't know better than the person asking the question as to what they want. Stop assuming you know better. Stop assuming they don't know enough to ask the right question. Just stop it, please.

My husband also does this.

He then gives long, unnecessarily detailed, waffly answers.

Now I politely say “Short answer please, love.”

Oh my word, I recognise so much of this. OP, @SwanRonsen @weareallcats @Lillers are ALL actual examples I have had with DH.

Incidentally, one of the first signs I had that DS was ND was I felt I had these conversations with him when he was 3. This was the sort of conversation we'd have all the time:

DS: Mum, what's for dinner?
Me: Fish and chips?
DS: but what's for dinner?
Me: Fish and chips... andg etting more and more frustrated.

I think it has something to do with info processing. We suspect DH also has ADHD.

Interestingly though, a lot of the examples on here are around time and I so recognise this. I've had to learn that DH literally can't think in blocks of time less than 30 minutes. So, in his head, tasks take 30 minutes, 1 hour, 90 minutes etc. And he cannot plan ahead outside of that mindset. I suspect some version of this, is what happens with some of these questions. So when I ask DH what time he's leaving and he tells me what time his shift starts is, I think, because of the odd way he looks at time. Or I'll ask him what time the actual shift starts because I'm trying to work out when he's goign to be offline but he'll keep telling me when he's leaving.

Yes, I would, because if i'm going somewhere I will have worked out what time I need to leave and written that in my diary so I can plan my day accurately around the activity.

However, I have no issue with someone saying "I'm not sure, hang on I'll just work it out" as I can then switch my brain off from listening to them until they then give me the answer I wanted. So they can speak out loud through all the workings, then come to me and say "I've worked it out now, I'll be leaving at 2pm".

What I do not have patience for is them not answering the question and making me ask them loads of times as a prompt for them to individually work through each element of their working out, which means that I either get a non-answer each time or I have to prompt them through the different elements to get to the answer I need. That puts the work on me and is not OK. I have enough mental load without people adding to it because they can't be arsed to do the work themselves.

Absolutely yes I didn't mean to imply that it was all on you to adapt and make changes. If he is getting angry a lot, that is unacceptable and a more urgent issue to fix than your not-quite-criticisms.

At the end of the day though, if you've chosen to try and make the relationship work, it's good to consider just how much of a marathon not a sprint it'll be. Some things will just have to be tolerated initially (not him being angry- but him being a bit defensive about housework maybe)

Him saying 'It's clean!' repeatedly means he knew it wasn't clean when he put it away.

DP does this and has ADHD. He’s explained that a lot of the time, he has heard the question and knows what type of answer I want – a time, a place, a thing – but as he’s computing the time, thinking of what place, or whatever, his brain goes “Ooh, shiny!” and off down the rabbit hole he goes; but because his was a late diagnosis (38), he spent a lifetime masking and knows in conversation if someone’s asked something he needs to supply an answer, to play his part. So his mouth supplies any old thing in answer, usually related to the “ooh, shiny!” rabbit hole of distraction, without him actually stopping to consider it properly.

So recently:

Me: have you had a look at the links to sheds that I sent? We need to order one soon.
Him: I’ve got to take the car for petrol tomorrow.
His brain: I heard the word “soon”, there was something I needed to do soon, and I think pelargoniums is talking about the garden project again and we definitely need the car sorted so we can go and get compost, ooh, need to get petrol for that, and my only opportunity is tomorrow morning, so whatever she’s talking about I won’t be able to do tomorrow. This answer will please her!

He is perfectly happy with me going “ANSWER THE QUESTION YOU’VE BEEN ASKED NOT THE RANDOM THOUGHT IN YOUR HEAD” and can generally be prodded back on track, so long as whatever random thought is acknowledged:

Me: I’m going to get DC new wellies after school, do you need anything from the shoe shop part of town?
DP: There’s an exhibition at the gallery late night thing, can we swap baby monitor duties on Friday?
Me: Yes, that’s fine. ::Faff around putting it in the Google calendar and wall calendar:: Now, can I redirect you to mission wellies and if you need anything from that bit of town.
DP: Actually, if you go past the post office could you grab some stamps please.

But if I try to redirect to my query without following him down his rabbit hole and resolving it, he can’t do it. He’d be like your DH saying “it’s clean!” Because his brain has got caught on a nail and has to be worked free gently, not yanked.

Yes, it’s fucking annoying.

This! I will quite often say to DH that I'm on a "normal day/long day/on call," rather than specify times.

A lot of this (not just from OP) is not about the other person being deliberately slow/obstructive/faffy, but having different mental models and not being able to fully share everything immediately. People often will genuinely hear a different question from what the questioner thinks they have asked, and it's endlessly debateable whether the flaw there is in the questioner not being specific enough, or the responder not understanding right. There are also a lot of impatient people on this thread.

Using the "what time are we leaving?" question, if the person being asked hasn't specifically thought/decided yet, when you ask, they are going to have to work through the different steps. As someone else said, some people will do that in their head - but this could lead to a long silence and an accusation that they haven't listened - or they give a number that the questioner doesn't agree with, so they have to defend themselves. If they do the thinking out loud, it's frustrating for the questioner who just wants a number, but to the person answering it's "showing your working," (like in Maths GCSE!) so that any possible flaws could be identified and discussed. I'm not sure either way would get you to the final answer any quicker.

Exactly, you need to be really specific . And even then some won’t get it, but then you know it’s them and not you!