To stop making small talk with my friend who owes me money?

Hi x, great to hear from you. I need my 500 back ASAP. You get paid soon, so can I have it it half then half or all at once? Cheers

I had a friend who ran a business offering health treatments. I paid for a treatment package which was for 10 x 1hr sessions. Friend kept cancelling on me and eventually closed the business.

Friend owned me £100 for the unused treatments. I found out later they had spent my money on drugs.

They no longer take drugs but still tried to be friendly. I now keep him at arms length because I am angry he obviously isn’t going to pay me back and made excuses when I asked for my money back

Well some of them are in an unpleasant situation because they are feckless with money and live beyond their means . For them to never pay it back and hope it goes away is also another form of complete and total irresponsibility .

I’m afraid your assumption is totally wrong. I do however help others when I can because I’m in a position to do so.

Anyone who treats money between friends the same as a commercial transaction is either incredibly naive or not really a good friend.

When I said earlier that I always say to friends to pay me back when they are in a position to do so it’s because it makes them feel better than taking a handout. If they’ve had to ask me for money they’re already in an unpleasant situation. Why would I want to make that even more uncomfortable for them?

You simply don't just lend money to friends and family. That is it.

You either gift money because that person who you care about so much is buckling under under some strain or you don't. Gift money, think of it as a way of helping your friend or family member and then consider it written off.

But don't lend money. You are doing a disservice to the relationship by doing that - they same way they are doing it by asking you to borrow it, by the way.

You may have £1200 to give away willy nilly but the op LENT this money, with an agreed payment window.

I really hate when people dismiss people who want their money back as fixated on money. The people fixated on money are ones who don't want to pay back money.

I bet you're a borrower.

Absolutely this. She knows why you might be pissed of and is trying to pretend all is ok when clearly it wouldn’t be.

It's not about being fixated on a few hundred quid. It's about being very upset by her behaviour - behaving as though nothing has happened and not acknowledging that the OP is waiting for the money.

I am sure the OP would be happy with the small talk if there was more acknowledgment of the debt, profuse thanks for it and updates about when it would be paid back. The fact that the OP's friend is saying nothing is what's upsetting the OP. It's almost as though the borrower thinks the OP might forget about it.

Yes, OK, me dropping a friend over this does say something about me. It says that I won't tolerate piss taking and potential theft.

Well done for being direct. Her actions have consequences for both of you and it’s not on you to protect her from those consequences, when she seemingly has given little thought to the consequences for you.

I partly agree with @Charlie2121 about friendships being worth more than money and I never give friends more than what i can afford to lose so I’d lend £500 maybe but not 5K or even 2K.

But I kind of agree with the above too, it really resonates with me - the idea that when a friend takes advantage the friendship is dead.

And this doesn’t just have to be about money. I had a childhood friend who took advantage of me for years using me as a 24/7 therapist dumping really heavy trauma on me daily while she shielded her partner from it, borrowed hundreds from me which I said she didn’t have to pay back (and she didn’t ) never paid for dinners/coffees and always expected me to pick up the bill, never sent birthday presents or even a card. despite me sending them for her 3 kids and sometimes her…often forgot my birthday completely and would generally give very little back in terms of support - but just enough to pretend it was a reciprocal friendship.

When the penny finally dropped I wasn’t even bothered about all the money or gifts, it was the principle of the thing - the fact she’s taken advantage of me. The 24/7 therapist was the worst thing. She knew I had my own struggles and less support than her as I lived alone but it didn’t stop her dumping on me.
I wish I’d recognised what was going on and done something about it earlier, but I let it go on for too long so now I’m resentful of the fact she took advantage of me. I struggle to talk to her now and haven’t spoken in months.

I’m glad you’ve said something now OP, hopefully your friend is understanding of how you feel and is doing everything she can to pay it back quicker.

Read all your stuff.

totally reasonable to say you expected to be paid back 4 months ago as agreed, and this is stressing you out!

Just straight up tell her ‘I'm just irritated by unilateral the change in terms of her repaying me and normal service will resume once we're square.’

hopefully she just squares up. But also be prepared for her to ghost.

Chat. You didn’t want this to mess with the friendship, but her not meeting the terms of the agreement - and further not discussing it with you first - is really stressing you out. that’s all totally fair.

then you learned your lesson and probably (hopefully) won’t do it again. It’s also an easy out next time ‘oh I did that once, it was beyond uncomfortable, stressed me right out.’

sooner the better. ‘Hey, I noticed you b aren’t posting me back as we agreed, that’s not ok’ then you will get excuses, decide what you like from there.

some people are unreasonable and think even when they owe money they ‘deserve’ whatever, coffee out, etc. no you don’t, drink the 20c tea bag at home or the free stuff at work! Others are strapped and friend might be doing her literal best.

Haven’t read the full thread. If she is a good friend and has always paid you back on time, I think it is unlikely she has suddenly decided to screw you over. Probably her finances mean she is doing all she can and has no idea how to say it and is desperately hoping she can do dribs and drabs.

however her bad way of dealing with it is not fair to you and harming the friendship. I would ask her what’s going on but not steam in. If she hasn’t failed you before approach it with a bit of good faith. If this doesn’t lead to an explanation you are ok with you can then decide what to do. No need to go from 1 to 100mph here. Unless you need the money and it is honestly harming you. Even then though I probably wouldn’t immediately go to the small claims court.

Threaten to take her to small claims

Yes, you'll lose the friendship but at this point who cares

Have you got anything in writing agreeing terms?
Might have got to a stage where you have to be much firmer......look at legal steps to recover the money so on a much more formal setting. She is taking the mickey.......

Just add 'and when are you going to pay me back' to the end of each chatty message.

Friends saying losing the friendship is not worth £500 - I don't think it's about that. If you feel awkward or annoyed or see a person differently then that can affect the friendship.

OP I'm not sure what the answer is as there is a chance she won't pay you if you fall out or you tell her you're annoyed. In fact, it would make it easier for her not to pay you if you are on bad terms.

You could say you feel a bit awkward because of the money and you do need a back or just say you're busy. Also think PP suggestion above is reasonable but try to keep things sweet.

I would reply and say you haven’t been as chatty as you’re really stressed about money - you have a big payment coming up and are struggling to afford it due to her change in repayment.

Did your friend reply? And do you have your money back?
I lent a friend money when I was in uni and had to ask for it back (was a month late and by then I was stony broke), it was awkward for sure but I needed the money. Lesson learnt for me, and I haven't lent money to anyone since.

Edit: quoted wrong post and can't change it now - sorry!

She's your close friend that you've previously lent money to and had no issue getting it back. You'd rather cut her off than have a conversation?

If you can't even have a conversation about it, then yes, I guess your relationship is over. But I suspect the reason she hasn't broached it with you is sheer embarrassment. And the fact that you haven't said anything is leading her to believe you're ok with it.

Of course she might just be taking the utter piss but you've known her a long time OP, which do you think is most likely?

She probably feels unbelievably awkward about the whole matter.

To suggest you’d drop someone as a friend under these circumstances says far more about you than them.

I help people while they’re struggling with no expectation of anything in return. I know people would do the same for me. Being fixated on a few hundred quid is a pretty grim look in the wider scheme of things.

She’s a shit friend. She has made you feel awful by not repaying the money when she said. Instead of profusely apologising, she is making small talk.

I would drop her for this after you get the money back (if you get the money back).

It wouldn’t be losing a friendship over £500 though, if it did result in a lost friendship, it would be losing a friendship because one friend is being bloody cheeky; the friend that was loaned the money (massive favour) hasn’t paid it back in the time they said they would not communicated any reason for it, which is really shit of her. I get the impression OP would likely accept slower than agreed payment if there were some sort of discussion and acknowledgement.

Did you talk to her in the end, and get it sorted?

You are right OP. The slow repayments are coming between you.
Your friend is being a coward, firstly reducing the payments then asking if you're OK.
Just put it casually.

Just say no, actually I'm a little upset and a bit surprised that you've reduced repayments without the decency to ask me about it. You've left me short.