DD and her uncle...AIBU to feel uncomfortable?

I agree with this.

@andweallsingalong he is a predator. If you were going to write a grooming case study involving family grooming, what is happening here fits perfectly. It would have fit perfectly as a case study in my safeguarding course to teach people about grooming and how it operates.

Because if he's not a predator she will be damaged by cutting off / changing the relationship.

If he is a predator it will give OP knowledge of whether he is grooming or already got physical so she knows how to support her DD to heal. It also gives evidence for the police to stop him harming all the other girls he teaches guitar to.

If OP is watching in the other room there is zero chance of any further abuse, but a chance to know what is going on so she can protect her daughter.

Stop it now. So many red flags. If he is innocent then he'll completely understand and feel mortified. Except I don't think he is. My husband would not let a 12 year old girl sit on his knee.

Read up on how to approach this with your daughter so you don't end up being the bad guy and the uncle the understanding "good guy."

Right?!?!

Why would anyone suggest OP using her daughter as bait??

You don’t need proof of anything to decide who your daughter can or cannot be alone with.

They do. They know the victim will be afraid to make a fuss. They love to grope their targets when other people are around.

Ok that’s a bit silly . There are millions of adult male and females that love dragon ball lol .

This all sounds incredibly off.

Buying her loads of gifts, finding reasons to spend more time with at yours), her boundaries having been eroded so she sits on his lap, him calling her beautiful and her giggling. None of it sits right. I would not let him be alone with her again. And I'd be putting in real boundaries and sticking to them. No more music trips or anything like that with Uncle either.

Not something. He's hardly going to grope her in front of you!

The amount of people suggesting a camera in the room, are people seriously suggesting allowing them more alone time given the circumstances? Even with it being recorded, you cant take back what is done, EVER. That child needs protecting and that means not putting her in ANY situation to be alone with him, camera or not. Why would you risk any more time alone together just to get proof.

I would any time, rather be over protective than put my child at extra harm for the sake of proof. Screw the proof, keep that child away.

The fact he was so comfortable with her on his lap would be more than enough for me, without all the other stuff, that alone is a blaring red flag and anyone that wouldnt act on that alone would seriously concern me. These are our children, seriously dont dangle them as bait so you can be sure, ffs!

If it was me I'd have to know for sure either way and probably put a camera with sound in the guitar room somewhere he can't see it easily or you will always be unsure.

This is a dangerous stance. Hiding in plain site is a well known tactic with abusers and don't seek comfort that the wife is around too if anyone else suggests that. Trust your gut. You have to as your dd is too young to know all she should yet.

Go with your gut. I’m not saying anything untoward is going on but it didn’t feel right to you so say something ( the sitting on the lap ) . I would say that is certainly not appropriate.

I actually wouldn’t think the messaging was appropriate really - but , it’s reassuring it’s just memes - however , I agree that you have to be aware of messages being deleted .

It could be that he has no children and he’s enjoying having someone to spoil - I remember when I was younger my cousins boyfriend ( I was about 12 he was about 30 ) was so cool ! He was funny , he used to chat to me about things I was into and would buy me things . They had no children and they would have me for sleepovers and take me out . There was absolutely nothing untoward going on , they just had no children and used to spoil me . So it could well be that!

However , it’s good that you are on the ball with this just in case . It’s sad but we have to , as parents, look out for our children .

I have to say I disagree with the poster who said it’s unlikely to be anything because he wouldn’t do it in front of people - groomers are not always sneaky . Sometimes by being so open they get a false sense of confidence . I would certainly have the chat about what is and isn’t appropriate.

Also - I always tell my children that I can see any messages they delete . I can’t , but I’ve said it before and said “ is there anything you want to tell me because I can check “ this has been innocent things like maybe a bit of swearing but it’s always worked and they have admitted to it .

Always trust your instincts. I'm in the medical field so do a lot of safeguarding as part of my job. I've not read all the comments here but this is grooming until proven otherwise. The comments, the gifts, the secrecy are really concerning. I would stop all contact with this person until you have a safety plan in place here and have addressed things with your daughter. This is a good age to talk openly about grooming, whether it's sexual or county lines etc. and to ensure safe use of internet. I would be monitoring devices, internet use and giving a, "thank you for the lessons, our daughter has come such a long way that we've booked her in to work with a local guitar teacher" speech to this man. Don't let her go anywhere with him and ensure someone is home when she gets home from school. I would call out any boundary crossing in future clearly and directly with your daughter present e.g. saying firmly exactly what is inappropriate to him.

Have a look at what literature is available on the topic for children of this age. The book 'you don't understand me by Tara porter is pretty good, and there will be others that are equally good.

There's another guide for parents about grooming that I'll copy through too:

https://safelyeverafter.com/prevention/#tab-7fba881c6ed26d5a360

Check in with the school to ask whether they have noticed anything strange in your daughter's behaviour if you need to. Obviously call the police if there is any suspicion of any illegal activity.

You don't need to feel guilty for shutting this down because 'he's nice'. Don't worry about being rude or offending him. Do whatever needs doing to protect your girl. Groomers are often the nicest, most well mannered people you will ever meet as they want to place themselves beyond suspicion. Your instincts are a valuable asset here, trust them.

I am so sorry to hear that.

Your additional update has confirmed it; he's definitely grooming her and you need to do something. So sorry and hopefully you can get this stopped quickly.

I normally give the benefit of the doubt and am far too trusting by nature but even I am WTF at the sitting on the lap. My nearly 11 year old is very cuddly and affectionate and she wouldn’t sit on an uncle’s lap under any circumstances. For a child who is older and not very affectionate generally to do this is very weird. I hear what someone else said about it being her choice to do that. But he is obviously giving her signals that this is OK behaviour. It absolutely isn’t. Top that off with the weird comment about her race being the most beautiful. I mean he must know that’s not appropriate surely. If my brother said that to my daughter I’d find it very fucking odd. Add in weekly messaging and buying gifts….. she is 12!!! He may not be intending to groom her but his boundaries are way off and that alone would make me very uncomfortable. I would find a way to wind down this relationship without pushing them closer together or causing a huge family rift. But she also needs to have better self preservation for the future. This man may well be trustworthy, even if his actions are a bit weird, but who’s to say the next man will be? Teach your daughter to keep her guard up where older men who take an interest are concerned.

He is grooming the lot of you, buying her a necklace and being helpful to you.

Put a small cam in that room with audio.

Agree - sitting on his lap at 12 isn't normal.

Buying over the top gifts sounds like grooming to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

PLEASE TRUST YOUR GUT.

Shows

The fact you've posted on here shoes it's not sitting right with you

YANBU AT ALL
These are all warning signs of being groomed, especially the sitting on the lap and excessive gift buying. And the creepy Asian comment??

Please talk to your daughter.

No need to kick yourself. You can still say something!

Could you put a camera in the room to see what is being said and done behind closed doors?

I think you need to tread very carefully with DD, she will likely not believe anything negative you tell her, if he has been grooming her all along, he may have even warned her that you want to stop her seeing him etc, and twisted her mind a little.

It's him you need to warn off, adult to adult, in no uncertain terms, if you don't want to outright accuse him of abuse you can say that whether he means to or not he is displaying grooming behaviour (random gift giving, paying compliments about her looks, and letting her sit on his knee for a start) and say you don't want her to think that is acceptable behaviour from men when she is just a child. That way he knows that you know without you accusing him of anything, and any normal person would be mortified and back straight off.

Minimise the time they are spending together and sit in on these guitar lessons with a cup of tea say oh I'm interested in how to learn it