DD and her uncle...AIBU to feel uncomfortable?

General comment. I am not sure saying "she has a crush" is blaming the child. Children do get feelings that can have condequences that they need to be protected from and help to deal with. Such feelings can be triggered and used by abusers.

Go with your gut and explain to your daughter that she is to big to be sitting on her uncles lap etc. alarm bells would be ringing in my head as this is very intimate behaviour and if this is out of the ordinary behaviour for her, even more so. I would also talk to your step brother about his comment about asian girls and tell him that it was a weird thing to say and make him uncomfortable.

I am so pleased to hear that you talked to her

I’ve never known a pupil have to sit on the lap of a guitar teacher.

definately sounds like grooming.

please remind your dd that she has autonomy and can say no when in situations that make her uncomfortable, like when a grown man asked her to sit on his knee. Also, in this situation, he may now tell your dd that’s its okay to sit on his knee because no one said anything when she did it in front of them

Wow. He's even more brazen than I thought.

Wishing you and your family the best of luck for navigating this.

I'd go scorched earth and report him to the police. There's not been a particular crime (though they might be interested in the racial comments), but there will be evidence building up for if he harms any children in the future.

Oh my goodness I feel sick for you! Thank god you picked up on it when you did

What are you going to do?

If he teaches guitar professionally and he's in any way dodgy then you need to find out - but always put your daughter first above everything else and get her talking. I wouldn't tell her why you're concerned as she might shut down but you could just ask her how she is, is everything ok, is there anything she wants to talk about - or however you would normally start chatting. You could eventually ask her about playing the guitar and how serious she is about it - or is it just a passing phase - let her talk. Ask her about music teachers at school and if she'd prefer to learn there - just keep everything low key. Me & DD have always had these conversations about absolutely anything and everything - it's important as they start growing away from you that she knows you're there no matter what. Always have her back. I could get away with saying something like "what's all this sitting on uncle's knee - you don't sit on mine or dad's knee cos you're a bit old for that now but it just seemed a strange thing to do.

Well done for taking her out of the room and breaking up the situation without any fuss x

Sorry OP but if the lap thing wasn't enough, the anime and the increased hanging around at yours certainly is.
Direct words needed to the Uncle. And something appropriate to your DD.

Sorry you are in this position, it must be awful not really being able to put your finger on it. But believe that enough people think this is enough to pay attention to.

I would cut this off right now. This absolutely reads like grooming.

This. Abuse in plain sight is what keeps abusers in a position of power and says to the child 'look even your parents don't mind...'

It's sad that in 2024 we're still putting the responsibility and shame on the vulnerable girl (a child) rather than the dominant (in this dynamic) man.

Age 6 or 7=not ok however Age 12=ok- she has a 'crush' don't you know! In fact until she is an adult at age 18 it is NOT ok. Even at age 18 if a much older man was buying gifts etc then there would be a power differential. When will people stop assigning responsibility to OPs daughter on the basis 'she has a crush'. Incredible. Its no wonder so many men feel able to get away with grooming children and teenagers and get away with abuse. Society at large allows it.

When is the last time, prior to this, that she sat on an adults lap? It’s very worrying imo. I think he’s grooming her in plain sight. I think anime is really dodgy. And she could easily hold a very strong crush on him

This exactly. He's already acting like a perv and a groomer and should know that his actions are inappropriate. The fact that he was so comfortable when a 12yr old girl sat on his knee and the weird comment about Asian girls being beautiful would be enough for me, especially when combined with the gifts, gig etc. He knows what he is doing and should not be allowed any opportunity to escalate.

Predators act slowly, pushing boundaries one by one. Abuse is so common partly because as a society we are conditioned to overlook or explain away the early warning signs.

Sounds like he is grooming her. Always trust your instincts OP.

What? Why do you think society doesn't allow tween girls to follow their crushes on adult men?

Of course 12 year old girls don't understand the implications of their crushes. OPs daughter won't know she's being groomed and charmed, and will likely just feel extremely upset that her desires are being thwarted.

Im sorry to say that it’s obvious your daughter has a big crush on him

FFS. I KNEW that I shouldn't have started reading the thread. Comments like this are just plain stupid and show no comprehension of safeguarding.

Up until I was 13 or 14 I would still occasionally, very occasionally, sit on my dads lap. Until someone called social services and reported that we had an 'inappropriate relationship' and they were concerned. Was horrible, and made me feel weird about hugging my dad for a long time afterwards even though there was no reason to be.

But this person didn't know us well, you know your daughter and the situation. So yes trust your instincts, but I guess using my experience alone I'd support the fact you're going about this tactfully. Because if it is innocent and handled badly it could really mess up how people feel about how they're acting around each other.

Excellent post.

Bloody hell OP - alarm bells ringing everywhere here. I won't read the thread as it will be full of paedophile groomer apologists - these threads always are - but NEVER let your daughter be alone with him again. Tell him to stop the gifts and the inappropriate comments and as for the sitting on the knee? A decent man would have gently moved her off - he didn't though did he?

Keep her safe. Trust your instincts and protect your little girl.

@maay she probably has a bit of a crush and he is unsure what to do for example when she sat on his lap. I think you speaking up then to DD would be good. Could you just keep the door open during lessons and pop in once or twice with water/snacks? There was another PP who said his response if you say she shouldn’t sit on his lap would be key … I agree.

Yeah this "uncle" is being inappropriate.

Buying gifts for the targeted child and charming her, and ingratiating himself with the parents (favours and free lessons) are classic grooming behaviours.

The biggest red thing paedophiles do when they groom is to gently push boundaries in front of the parents. This shows them what they can get away with, desensitizes the parents, and demonstrates to the targeted child that these behaviours (lap-sitting, racially fetishistic comments) are ok because her parents didn't make a fuss. It also gently wears down the boundaries of the child.

Your daughter is obviously responsive to his charms and thinks a lot of him. It's working on her, which was his intention.

She's in a lot of danger and you need to put a stop to it. You also need to reinforce to your daughter that these behaviours weren't appropriate so that she develops good judgement about what is normal for adult men and underage girls.

Stop the guitar lessons and any other contact when you are not present immediately. Don't do the nanny camera or continuing lessons in a more open room. You don't need any more evidence and once you see something happen it will already have damaged your daughter.

Don't continue the lessons in your presence either - what happens if you need the loo?

We spend so much time worrying about offending the opinions of men. He likely already knows that his behaviour is inappropriate, especially the comment about beautiful Asian girls.

Protecting your daughter from serious and lasting harm is the most important priority here. Hopefully you have already caught this before it harms your daughter, don't risk it progressing by allowing the contact to continue.