DD and her uncle...AIBU to feel uncomfortable?

She said he only touches her hands and arms
Of course, the objective of grooming is to make the victim feel as if they have consented to everything, so it ramps up very slowly. Then when he does something for which there is NO plausible deniability the victim feels unable to complain because they have implicitly consented to all the small steps that led up to it.
She's sitting on his lap, he has his arms around her, wtf OP why dont you want to kill him??

Stop the guitar lessons!?
I'd be smashing several guitars over his head!
What was he going to get her to do in return for buying the trainers that her parents refused? The trainers would then become their secret.
I'd rip his fucking throat out.

But it is all innocent in the brothers mind? Does he have no evil intent. Only the brother knows the answer to this. Everything we all now know about grooming process suggests this is what he was trying to do. No one teaches guitar by getting students to sit on his lap. I would be very worried about all his other students too. He needs to be reported and at the very least professional advice needs to be sought. All the other parents also need to know about this as they unknowingly send their kids to guitar lessons!

Goodness, well done for speaking with your DD OP. I wish more parents followed their instincts and taken things like this as seriously as they should. Good luck to you all x

I’m sorry to hear that your daughter has been put in such an uncomfortable position but it’s great she told you about it. It now makes me think she did this in a family setting to gauge your reaction. It’s great you spotted it and didn’t push it aside.

It sounds like your brother is attempting to groom her. He shouldn’t be around or teaching children. I echo posters encouraging you to seek professional guidance and help with this.

As upsetting as this all is, you’ve done incredibly to act on your suspicions and protect your daughter.

Thank goodness your DD has opened up to you and his motives are now undeniable. My son has had guitar tuition since aged 5 from a range of guitar tutors over the years and not once has he sat on any of their laps.

You said he teaches/has taught other children… I shudder to think how many girls have sat on his lap in the hope of one day being amazing guitar players….

He needs to be reported.

I would be stopping the guitar lessons, and switching to a female guitar teacher if she still wants lessons once it is not with her uncle. To be honest, I always insisted on female music teachers for my daughter, as I didn't want her being in a room with a lone male, because I know how intense the relationship can be between music teacher and pupil, and there have been so many cases of abuse/grooming in this situation that I felt that the risk was too great.
I would tell my daughter that now that she is growing up, it is no longer appropriate for her to be spending 1 on 1 time with any adult males other than her father.
I would also speak to my brother, and make it clear that the gifts, gigs etc have to stop, because even if it is all innocent in your brother's mind, it is not appropriate for your dd to be having that sort of relationship with any adult male, because even if your brother has no evil intent, other men will.

Definitely grooming. So sorry OP.

My dds are both accomplished guitar players and we have had private tutors for years. Never have I or they ever heard of lap sitting as an effective teaching tool. Ugh.

What an awful situation for you to have to deal with but thank goodness she is safe. You've kept her safe, she will thank you so much for this when she is older.

Oh no. I'm so sorry. We thought as much but the reality is awful.

Thank goodness you had the conversation. I'd seek some professional advice. I'm sorry but more may have happened that she doesn't want to disclose. I'd call the police. Questioning her without professional advice once you know something is wrong is a bad idea. PLEASE seek advice urgently.

I think the best way to approach this OP was what was HIS reaction when she sat on his lap? Anything other than looking very uncomfortable and quickly moving her off / getting up tells you everything about the situation. Normal men would find this very awkward as it crosses boundaries with adolescent girls. I think your step brother is likely grooming your daughter in plain sight and the obv way to protect her is to stop the lessons. You’re her parent and responsible to take action rather than dismiss your gut feelings as you don’t want to upset anyone and find out later on he has been abusing her. It’s too much of a risk to do nothing.

OP your latest update has made me feel so sick. Well done for talking to your dd. I was abused as a child. I wish my mum had took me away from the danger. Now as a mum of 3 DDs it is really scary and I feel so much for you. Seek the advice of a professional to help navigate your and your dd emotions. Lots of love.

yes not a great word to use I agree. My point was though that there are things that a child might have feelings about that she (or he) will still need to be protected from.

OP thank goodness you listened to your instincts and you can protect your daughter.

What's terrifying is that he may target another child and get away with it.

Not sure where you go from here but you do not need to sit on the teacher's lap for guitar lessons!!

Well done OP for using your intuition here and also for having a great bond with your daughter that she was able to open up to you. Good luck with your step brother who in no doubt will deny and play the victim.

The problem with using the word 'crush' is that allows the groomer and other adults to justify certain actions (ie sitting on lap) and believe the feelings are reciprocated. It is irrelevant if the 12 year old had a crush or not. Framing the issue as a crush gives ample excuse to enable to abuser to continue. This is exactly how 'she was asking for it' comes about and pedophiles believe that children are equal participants.

I'm so sorry OP, there's not one person on this thread who wanted this to be the case even if we suspected it 😔

Although it is horrible to hear, it's good that you were able to speak with her and that she was able to tell you.

The man's a creep and now you can keep her safe and far away from him, so she can recover from his influence.

Do you know if he has access to other children?

This is absolutely grooming, I’m so sorry.
id call NSPCC for advice.

Although I'm sure it was horrible to hear, it's great that your DD told you about being asked to sit on his lap.

The "Asian girls are the most beautiful" comment sounds like fetishisation to me. I think that's enough to stop the guitar lessons, never mind the sitting on lap part.

Oh OP, I'm so glad you've had an open chat and well done trusting your instincts!

Bless you both - you clearly have a great relationship for her to feel able to be open and honest with you.

It might be worth contacting the NSPCC for some advice on what to do next

If I’m being honest it sounds like grooming to me. Buying her gifts, giving her lessons, seems to be wanting to win her affection. I’m sure any decent grown man would know that his behaviour is not acceptable, it’s also important your DD understands this is not acceptable behaviour from a grown man and develops her own healthy boundaries.

Hugs OP what a horrific situation 😢