DD and her uncle...AIBU to feel uncomfortable?

Apologies Op just read your final update. So sorry

Why not ask her why she sat on his lap and explain it made you feel uncomfortable

While I'm obviously not glad about what's happening here, I am so glad you've broached this OP and are taking control of the situation. I was groomed as a child and what rang alarm bells for me was all the stuff he's been buying her. Now you've found out about him telling her to sit on his lap to teach her the guitar it's pretty clear this is not normal or right, so well done for following your instincts.

I find the voting interesting. I voted yanbu without hesitation but I thought you were going to get your ass handed to you for seeing paedophiles behind every bush. Really heartening to see that nearly everyone could see this for what it is. So sorry you and your family are having to cope with it all.

My ex husband is a professional guitar teacher {DBS and works in schools too}
He has never ever had a student sit on his knee- the very thought is just so ghastly and inappropriate.

Groomers are very brazen and bold. This seems like a classic groomer in action.

Tragically this is very true.

Oh my goodness, @maay
I hadn't read this when I replied a few minutes ago.

My Ex husband {We still get on} is the guitar teacher {DBS checked - has taught all ages of students- and a guitar teacher NEVER ever, a million times never gets a student to sit on their knee...I feel physically sick thinking of it.

There is no need to physically touch a student's hands, either!

I'm sorry, but this is extremely worrying.

How awful for your daughter.

She's twelve...this has grim implications.

Awful for you, too.

OP some people are talking about being careful how you handle this so other family members do not blame you.
One thing though you need to understand is that some people defend family members no matter what. They may simply refuse to believe that someone they love may be guilty of grooming a child. Or they want to minimise what has happened so they do not have to emotionally deal with the truth. And this can happen no matter how carefully you approach this.
It happens in families where a family member has been sent to prison for raping a child family member. There are still people who will defend that rapist family member and call the child a liar.
I say this as I really hope all the family support you and your DD. But if some family members do not, please understand that this can happen no matter what you do and is sadly not uncommon. But obviously we have to put our children first.
Lastly when you have the necessary emotional space, you may want to seek specialist counselling for yourself. He is your brother and you will have a lot of complex feelings that it might be helpful to talk about with someone who understands these types of situations.

@maay I'm horrified at this.
My ex husband was a guitar teacher and also taught in schools- he NEVER would have done anything like this.

He did teach young people {Children} as well as adults, and their parents were welcome to wait in the room or next door if necessary.

One has to be absolutely unimpeachable when teaching any age students, but especially vulnerable ones.

The fact he is buying her gifts and a necklace was alarming- but the knee sitting thing- absolutely NOT ON.

You do indeed have instincts for a reason.

You need to inform the police. This is very unlikely to lead to a prosecution, but it will be officially noted. When people apply for a DBS then noted intelligence is taken into account as well as convictions.
You also need to report this to protect your family. If at a later stage DD tells someone else about this obvious grooming and that person reports it to SS, SS may think you are trying to protect your brother if you did not report it. They need to know that you have done everything you can to protect your DD.

So glad that you were able to have a chat with DD and yes it does sound like a grooming situation 😟 how grim to find this out about your stepbrother. I would be putting a stop to guitar lessons and going out with the band and also saying no to any more gifts. Make sure he knows you're onto him. I agree with other PP that it might be good to talk to NSPCC about what to do next. What a horrible shock for you 😢 I know statistically children are most at risk from someone in their family but you never expect it in your own family do you. I hope your DD is ok 💐

Echoing others to ring NSPCC especially on account he teaches other children. So sorry this has happened to your little girl OP. I think I'd be murderous.

You're an absolute amazing Mum to have dealt with this so quickly before it escalated and spotting the signs. So many would give a family member the benefit of the doubt, he was grooming you too by getting her to sit on his knee in front of you (and using flirtacious language). Try to make you both accept it as normal, little steps to break down everyones boundaries. Fucking monster. Xx

That's really scary, OP. I'm sorry that this has happened to your DP and glad you know so you can keep him very very far away from her forever.

Do not ignore your gut here. People who ignore that little nagging feeling often end up heavily regretting it.

Do not ignore your gut here. People who ignore that little nagging feeling often end up heavily regretting it.

I take back my previous post, as the OP updated while I was typing this. My sincerest apologies.

@Riverlee yes big loud alarm bells. Op, could you contact nspcc, they can pass on your concerns about him teaching other children anonymously.

Well done on having what was probably a fifficult conversation to have with your dad, and it’s good she was honest with you.

If I recall, uncle is a guitar teacher to other children as well Anyone else getting alarm bells ?

And she did it in front of you.
Same advice as before.
Cut contact between them no explanation needed.

Well done OP for finding this out. So many people turn a blind eye because it’s family. Will you consider reporting to the police?? They can properly ask your daughter what has happened and see if action can be taken. It may stop someone else getting groomed. Was his wife not also WTF with the lap thing?? I would be!

I was going to post that this is a absolutely grooming but read your update and you already know that. I work with children in a professional role and this has red flags all over it. The compliments which make her giggle are a sign his flattery is starting to work, she is starting to enjoy his compliments although she will not fully understand why, he is likely giving her these compliments a lot already. Doing it in front of you was to normalise this behaviour, if you’re comfortable with it, then he’s hoping she’ll be more comfortable with it. The best way to deal with groomers is say things out loud, no being ‘nice’ or body shaming as that’s what they thrive on. For example, ‘DD, remember that we don’t sit in on other people laps.’ Or ‘DD, remember we spoke about being careful who we show our bodies to’ saying this out loud in front of him will make him understand you have had important educational talks with your child which makes her less likely to be an easy target. Please have more educational and empowering talks with her, make sure she knows she can come to you for anything, no shaming her for asking curious questions.

also please let her speak to a counsellor or therapist about this. There might be things she doesn’t want to tell you.

Have you properly searched her phone, til tok, Snapchat, insta? Other messaging apps he may have asked her to download. Any weird photos in her phone?

Have you asked her if he has shown his body in anyway or asked to see hers? Grooming often starts with non physical acts first. Has be complimented her in private as well? You need to ask these questions.

also check out Consent Parenting on Instagram for advice.

Reported. It is never, ever the victim's fault. You need to read your post again and give your head a massive wobble.

Well done for trusting your gut, sending hugs xxx

@Pushmepullu we can add you to the list of victim blaming apologists for paedophiles

Hi OP,

I've been in this situation and you want to watch your brother's reaction very carefully when you explain to him that you are not comfortable with how things are going. If he's decent then he will immediately appologise and step back. If he gets annoyed or defensive or anything then shut him down urgently. That behaviour just goes nowhere good.

I spent ten years tiptoeing round this garbage and it would have been much better just to have it out right at the beginning and get the acrimony over with.

Good luck

You really typed that out and then posted it? I hope you don't have daughters because it sounds like you wouldn't believe them if they were groomed. Wow just fucking wow