DD and her uncle...AIBU to feel uncomfortable?

Grooming doesn’t always happen behind closed doors

12 year old half Asian girls may get crushes but the adult object of that crush should not be saying that 'half Asian girls are the most beautiful'.

Perhaps when playing the guitar they are getting physically close as he helps her with hand positioning etc but she needs to know that is just because of the lesson and is not appropriate when there is no guitar. Were there no empty chairs in the room where she could have sat?

My thoughts with all the gifts is that he's trying to win her over. The gig and merch could have been a birthday gift but what does he say when he gives her necklaces and figurines? Do you think he's encouraging a crush or being inappropriate with her in any way?

And to be honest the phone memes may not be all they are messaging. He wouldn't be the first to tell a young girl 'we can message but make sure you delete my messages afterwards and only leave the memes as your mum wouldn't like knowing we get on so well. Let's keep it between us.'

So is it yiur brother or not? Sitting in his lap at 12 is weird tbh but otherwise if he was a paedo I doubt he'd be doing all that in front of your face maybe he's just being a nice uncle dies he have kids?

The moment she sat on his lap I felt uncomfortable - I can imagine your feeling at that moment.

I'd say it's innocent but that you need to gently explain boundaries to your daughter and, I dunno I'd definitely be keeping an eye on this too.

I'd not jump to conclusions but I'd be keeping a careful eye.
My uncle had no kids of his own and was always very generous to me and is the same to my kids. If someone isn't getting constantly asked for things coz they don't have their own kids they can sometimes appear over generous because they don't quite get the expectation it creates.
I also think that if it were your daughter who went up and sat on his lap of her own accord without any encouragement then the issue may be rather than something untoward, just be that she doesn't understand that's not appropriate and he didn't know how to navigate that type of behaviour so just did nothing.
It's a difficult age in that sense coz she will still be quite innocent and want to be as affectionate with family as she might have been as a younger child.. however as she's now in her teens it becomes a bit inappropriate.
Personally I'd not go straight in with being suspicious but I would be perhaps lessening the time they spend alone together.. not stopping it but just keeping a bit more of an eye. It's a difficult one this one. I get why it's making you uncomfortable and it's hard to tackle without hurting your daughter or him. I guess just trying to subtly scale back the time they are spending together is the best course of action? It sounds like she is a bit too close to him.
Chances are he's a lovely man and there's absolutely no ulterior motive to that... but on the off chance there is I think just to keep her safe, you need to try to scale back the relationship a bit.

I agree its concerning.

Perv

You have instincts for a reason.

It might be completely innocent, but I think you'd be wise to ensure your DD and her uncle don't get time together alone.

And yes to telling her, in front of him, that sitting on his lap is inappropriate. Do it in a jokey way if you like, but make sure he knows you've noticed.

Make sure you empower your DD by talking to her about her own boundaries too.

Trust your gut here OP

Always trust your instincts on these matters. Always. You don’t have to stop their relationship completely if you are not fully sure of your instincts just be with them always. Speak to your DD and bolster up her boundaries too. Grooming is the process of sweeping away emotional warning systems. Counter any grooming processes by bringing awareness constantly to emotional signals.

Groomers operate by misusing shame and pro social emotions to facilitate abuse. If you say out loud “Oh DD sitting on an uncle’s knee at your age isn’t appropriate” directly in front of him. If he counters your boundaries which you are clearly stating then he is being inappropriate even if it is just low level boundary pushing and not something more sinister.

Sorry, I agree with goldenretrievermum5. Though I wouldn’t immediately leapt to judgement of her uncle: 12 year old girls (and boys) get crushes. He may just be being nice, even if that’s not helpful.

Is he your brother or your husband’s? Either way, I’d talk to him. It needs to be out in the open.

I’m not of a sensitive disposition and try to see the good in people but I have to admit OP that my stomach dropped at your DD sitting on his lap. Trust your gut - something really isn’t right