DD and her uncle...AIBU to feel uncomfortable?

All of this. Very much. @maay, don't pussyfoot around this please.

The vast majority of groomers are white, so take your racism elsewhere.

@maay

Noooo dont sweep your discomfort away.

As others have said, just call it out directly. If he is innocent he will be more mindful of boundaries.

If it is not innocent it will be a warning shot to him that you are watching.

Talk to your daughter as well.

Perhaps monitor like you are but, without talking about Uncle, can you chat to DD about being warey, being modest, what grooming is, to tell you if someone makes her feel uncomfortable and appropriate displays of affection? You could bring up sitting on knees, kissing on lips etc etc.

Leave doors open and keep daughter in a position where you can see her. She might have developed a crush and you don't want her to embarrass herself.

I would also talk to brother about the "half Asians are the most beautiful". comment. Point out that you don't want DD to be focussed on her appearance or to think that it is healthy to think herself the most beautiful or that people would judge her or her girl friends on their appearance.

It's possibly time to encourage DD to join a band and have some fun with music with her own age group.

I think you need to have the inevitably uncomfortable conversation with both of them.
Whether it's a crush on her part or grooming on his, the inappropriate behaviour needs to be mentioned and monitored.
Don't ignore the alarm bells to avoid upsetting either of them.
Better address this now than let things slide.

She’s 12 and shouldn’t be sitting on anyone’s lap. I’d focus on that and not if it was invited.

I also have a 12 year old DD and no way in hell would she sit on anyone's lap. Its a struggle to even get her to say hello to people who aren't family tbh. This is a huge red flag and would make me extremely uncomfortable to the point that I wouldn't be able to hold my tongue.

What is the set up for the guitar lessons? Are they in a closed room away from everyone?

No-one plonks themselves on someone lap unless they have done it before.

Normally I'd say you are reading too much into it. But the sitting on his lap thing is giving me a bad feeling.

If she's comfortable to sit on his lap in front of you (even though that's not something she would usually do, even with her own parents) then I'd be concerned about what was happening during their unsupervised guitar lessons. I'd also find it odd that he has suddenly started buying her things now she's reached this age, has he always tried to spoil her with gifts or is it just a recent thing? That coupled with the beautiful comment just makes me feel very uneasy.

She’s never sat on his lap before in front of you? I’d be digging into that to find out if it was the first time.

Edited to remove a question already answered.

It's just crossed my mind when reading other comments that if DD feels comfortable sitting on his knee especially in front of both her parents then it's "something that she's done innocently before and it's familiar to her without even thinking about it". However he is a different matter. I don't even want to think about the possibility that he has had her sit on his knee to show her how to play the guitar - arms wrapped round her - from his point of view it's perverse, uncle or no uncle.

I have a 17 year old DD and the stuff she's told us over the past 6 years is jaw dropping. Every story she's told us about any friend that's caused her concern we've had to flip it quickly and turn it into a 'this is what you should do if you end up in x y z situation' - it's all about educating them as and when they tell you anything about anybody that you don't really want to hear. Never break her confidence and always assure her that she can tell you anything and you're on her side, and stick to it - she needs you more than she knows and 12 upwards is hard for girls especially.

Grooming is done to the parents as well as the child.

In a healthy family with very good boundaries, "DD get off X's lap, it's not appropriate" "DD dropping hints about expensive things in front of X isn't cool". In an unhealthy or unboundaried family <tumbleweed> because everyone is too uncomfortable or doesn't recognise issues.

OP you have to say things in the moment. Him: "Asian and half Asian girls are the most beautiful". You: "X maybe don't objectify a 12 yo" or "beauty isn't what DD should be focussing on at 12". In fact, remind him and her of her age any chance you get.

I believe you should trust your gut instincts here. At that age you are going through puberty, just becoming aware of yourself and would be a lot less likely to sit on someone's knee IMO. I was close with my uncles and aunts and never in a million years would have sat on their knee at that age.

And the fact it was done in front of you does not prove it is innocent in anyway. I would stop any unsupervised contact between them. And I also agree with a pp that there could be messages on other platforms!

It could all be innocent but better to react now and monitor things than to find out that you were right down the line.

You live a very sheltered life if you genuinely cannot see any possible red flags in what OP has described. For the safety of your own kids I kindly suggest that you educate yourself on how grooming can (and does) manifest

I'm feeling uncomfortable reading that. I remember at a similar age saying that I really disliked a male uncle. My father, and it was his brother, inquired delicately if there was any reason in particular why I disliked him. I knew what he was getting at as I was quite a precocious child but, honestly, there was any improper behaviour of the type you're suggesting and I told my father that. Your daughter might well have a crush especially as he's not actually a blood relative. At that age I would never have sat on a a male relative's lap. Your brother may be completely unaware.

I would make sure I had some time alone with her - driving her somewhere can often encourage a child to talk. Perhaps raise the topic of she has to stop asking uncle for things - mention that he and and aunt will be likely having children of their own soon. Tell her that if she is ever uncertain about anything she can talk to you about it and you won't tell her off about anything.

When my son was tutored at home in maths, the tutor had an iron clad rule about my son being chaperoned with an adult in the house at all times. I didn't think that was at all unreasonable. We also had a set up with glass doors into the sitting room so they could always be potentially observed. I would want to be much more present for those guitar lessons for your brother's sake as much as your daughter's.

Alternatively, you could "level" with your brother and confess that you think she has a little crush and could he very firmly discourage her. That means if he is grooming he knows you are on to him and if he is completely innocent he is aware of the problem and should take steps to make sure he is not alone with her or letting her behave in an inappropriate fashion.

Trust your instincts. They're rarely wrong. My daughter is 12 and very loving but there's no way she'd be sitting on anyone's lap. She'd think it was very weird indeed. I'd stay in the room for the guitar lessons and afk him to stop with all the gifts apart from birthdays etc. I'd also talk to her school as they do all sorts of lessons about boundaries and healthy relationships. I'd also talk to your daughter. Be honest. Talk about the uncomfortable stuff. Online safety, grooming, what it looks like and how it happens. Good luck OP

Until the sitting on the lap I thought it sounded like a childless Uncle who spoiled her because he didn't have children of his own yet

The sitting on his lap would start to raise a red flag. It could just be continuing of the familial relationship whereby he wished he had children or a crush from her. But then the comment about half Asians being beautiful would have raised the flag to full.

When you asked her to help you with something you could have causally said "you don't sit in our lap anymore. Why did you sit in Uncle's?"

I'd be sitting in on guitar lessons from now on. And saying to Uncle, "we do appreciate you buying DD gifts but we're worried she's going to become spoilt and she has so much stuff now
Could you cut it back a bit?" And make sure your DD knows she can speak to you about anything.

You need to trust your gut here. Sitting on her uncle's lap in these circumstances is not appropriate and I would be uncomfortable with it.

Me too.
The beautiful comment too - he’s grooming her in front of you to demonstrate your implicit consent to her.

Oh, no, no, no! This wouldn't sit right with me at all.

I wouldn't like any of it OP. Just ask your dd if anything weird is going on, reminder her that it is wrong if he is doing/saying certain things, and that she is totally safe to tell you the truth.

It was your dd's choice to sit on his lap soI don't understand why you are blaming your poor brother!He was probably embarrassed by it too, and didn't know what yo do
I don't think the buying bits for her is a big deal as he hasn't any children.My childless aunt bought me things.
And the complimentary stuff seems pretty normal too