DD and her uncle...AIBU to feel uncomfortable?

Your list started of innocently, and I don’t see anything wrong with the concert and merch. but when I got to the expensive trainers, my spidery senses started tingling as well, and the sitting in lap was definitely crossing the boundary (although as you say, she instigated it).

Looking at it from a different perspective, has he become the cool uncle, and she’s got a crush on him. She’s twelve, and hormones could begin to kick in.

However, nothing wrong in scaling back the contact and keeping it business only.

Ha! I’m sorry to say, but you’re very wrong, they’ll do that kind of stuff in front of people. OP, I was abused as a child for many years by a relative, so many adults looked the other way or made excuses for him because they didn’t want to deal with it. Some even blamed me because they saw it as me courting his attention. Please keep a very close eye on this, it sounds like grooming 101.

He is grooming her :(

Sorry that you are going through the turmoil OP. I would reconsider the guitar lessons. Also talk to you DD about grooming. She is old enough to understand this process and may also protect her from other predatory men out there.

Wow just wow. This is absolutely disgusting comment. How do you feel now that you know the uncle is actually Caucasian??

Indeed, and if anything, history tells us that white men who play guitars are apt to abuse children - seems like half the 1960/70s rockers (e.g. the rolling stones, Bowie, Elvis etc) openly went after 13 or 14 year olds, even marrying them at times!

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this op.

You need to rephrase that last sentence.
Most children are not sexually abused.
Children who are sexually abused are more likely
to be abused by a relative than a stranger.

Sounds like your daughter has a crush.

That’s your son though. If your son was sitting on his teacher’s lap would you feel comfortable with it?

Obviously on MM he is trying to groom her. However, in real life I would say that it is probably just a child free to uncle spoiling his niece who he is fond of (especially because of the music). She may well have sat on his lap because she has a childish crush (or she is playing the sweet little girl act to get more treats out of her uncle!)

Weird and creepy.
I worked with a lady who was made pregnant by her uncle aged 16, she was massively affected by it (alcoholism).
Her mother thought it was good that he was taking a fatherly interest in her ( from age 13 IIRC ).

I just wanted to say that I’m surprised by the hard line that physical contact at 12 isn’t ok (not the brother specifically - generally). My DS 12 will still come sit on my knee. Only in very comfortable company and mostly if he’s tired or poorly. He will come and have a cuddle in bed (over the duvet that I’m under). It’s lovely and bonding. He is still a child.

With the brother I’m torn. Me and DH had nieces and nephews before we had DC and we felt really close to them and spoiled them. All our maternal and paternal instincts got focused on them. We had DC by the time they were 12 though and I can’t remember when cuddles and lap sitting stopped. They still hug us and DH is a ‘top of the head’ kisser when they are sitting down. I wonder if he needs to stop this?!

So, he might be like my DH. A bit gregarious and unboundaried in showing affection but harmless in terms of sexual risk. He may see her very much as a child and the comment about Asian girls (whilst being disgustingly mysoginistic) might have been a clumsy attempt to boost her self esteem… BUT …

Trust your instincts and whilst this could be all innocent, it is also how grooming starts so it’s very wise to be aware and keep the lies of communication open with DD and tackle things in the moment as per fab post above. Keep a very close eye.

Talk to him about the need to protect DD from inappropriate behaviour, that other adult men groom children so you have to be really clear with DD about what is and isn’t appropriate.

”DB it’s great to see how well you get on, and she’s loving learning guitar. She’s really lucky to have another safe adult on her side. We’re trying to teach her good boundaries, so she recognises when men are being inappropriate. We don’t want her to think it’s ok to sit on her teachers’ lap at school! It’s so hard to protect them these days!”

But it is such an unusual thing for the OP'S DD to do, it smacks of familiarity?
OP have you asked her if this was the first time? I would tread carefully and engineer the topic light heartedly.
Don't let her suspect straight away that you are concerned.
All of this would make me very uncomfortable because of my own childhood memories of abuse, so I realise this affects how I view many interactions.

I spoil my nieces but after about 8 they don’t sit on my knee, they mither me to pay for their nails and bring them doughnuts and other rubbish my sister won’t pay for!

not to be horrible but there’s no blood relationship between them, so there’s less of a family barrier if that makes sense. I know shocking things happen to children but I think knowing he isn’t your biological brother nor your husband’s biological brother increases the likelihood of attraction. Ultimately you’ve been a bit lax with their relationship and now is the time to start monitoring it.

Contact nspcc for advice.

You should never ignore concerns.

Stop the lessons. Either he is an abuser OR he has no boundaries. In either case he is a threat to your daughters well being

The nanny camera is a good idea.

My brother spoils my 3yo DD (she's obviously still at an age where close contact is completely normal) so most of this I wouldn't necessarily be fine with, there's a lack of boundaries but it isn't wrong per se.

Most of this wouldn't bother me. The sitting on lap at 12 is a bit fucking weird and would have my Spidey senses tingling, but the comment about ethnicity is just way too far.

Absolutely disgusting comment. To think people like you, so ignorant and prejudiced, walk amongst us, makes my soul despair.
FYI - Asia is a BIG continent that encompasses a multitude of religions, cultures and ethnicities. Be braver next time and say who you’re really talking about.

My brother in law groomed me and abused me from age 13. He met my sister when I was ten. He fooled the whole family. Nip this in the bud OP.

This is totally inappropriate. I would say sitting on your own dad's lap at 12 is not appropriate, never mind someone unrelated .
From what OP has said,, this could be heading down a very dangerous path. The uncle shouldn't be encouraging the 12 year old

Predators groom families as well- it’s much easier to get access to a child when their parents boundaries have been eroded as well as the child’s.

@maay

If this is a grooming situation my thoughts would be-

The sitting on his lap and him talking about her appearance is definitely not normal or ok. 12 year old girls don’t sit on grown men’s laps- they don’t want to and the men don’t want it either.

What is happening that you haven’t seen that has normalised this level of physical touch for her?

Is he doing it in front of you to gage what he can get away with- to test how far he can push your boundaries, and to normalise something inappropriate so you won’t immediately recognise when he amps up the behaviour?

Also is he relying on you being too polite and unsure of yourself to stop it now, so that in the future it will be much harder for you to walk it back.

Grooming happens in the open.
That comment was a shit test imo and i would NOT be having it.
I know 3 of my cousins were raped by other family members... rhe real number is prob higher. Its a very real problem.

I would be wildly unhappy with this and would, with my husband, be having a very direct conversation with your step brother about appropriate behaviour with children and young teens.

I would continue the lessons for now so you arent the bad guy.
But it would be in a room i had access to. Id ensure dh.and i were around and I'd have a nanny cam or two set up to monitor it closely and record any more weirdness.
Any " you are so mature andn beautiful" or "your mum said" type nonsense and uncle dave would not be welcome in my house.again.
Id also be showing the footage to your parents. Do not keep his secrets.

I'd tell him to block her and if i ever find any phone or social media communication of any kind id be going straight to the police.

And no attendance of both dd and him at family parties.

Id also start researching actual guitar reachers now so he can be replaced in a month or so irrespective of his behviour and can give some plausible excuse to DD.