DD and her uncle...AIBU to feel uncomfortable?

This, 100%. Many people get a thrill out of the danger. Jimmy Saville (OK, an extreme example) clearly got a kick out of groping and perving over women on TV. It amused him to test people's boundaries. I knew a woman who was sexually abused by her grandmother's partner (her stepgrandad) when she was a child. He'd grope and kiss her in the kitchen while her mum and her gran were in the next room. No doubt it amused him as well.

As others have said, trust your instinct. In my experience, that gut instinct is always correct. For example, my sister moved to a new estate with my niece. The guy next door was middle-aged, single and childless. He lived there with his mother. But when he chatted to my niece in the garden about school, and so on, my sister never once felt creeped out. His 'vibe' or 'aura' seemed good. However, she also bumped into a single guy in his 60s who lived a few doors down. He was very friendly, welcomed her to the area, and so on, but something about him was off. He was too friendly. Every time she walked the dog he seemed to appear, and it began to make her uncomfortable. She later found out he was on the sex offenders register.

We pick up so many signals and reg flags without being conscious of it. You've probably noticed lots of things that you're not aware of. I mean that they have registered at a subconscious level.

Maybe she sees him as cool guitar playing uncle and you and dad as well how do 12 year olds see mum and dad? Probably not cool as mum and dad have to do the parenting.

If you have worries about uncle decide how to deal with it. Are lessons in a private room or family room, make sure doors are open, you are going in and out. If you are really worried then stopping the lessons seems the only other thing to do.

I have a 12 year old daughter. She has literally grown up in the last couple of months. At christmas she would definitely sit on her dad's lap if there wasn't a seat. Now, no way. My Dh, her step dad. is different. Last summer she went to do the same, i think out of habit iwht her dad, and they both recoiled. I remember it as i was interested and relieved that it made them uncomfortable as i wouldn't have to speak to them about it. A welcome home or a good night hug, fine but definitely not lap sitting with adult male family.

Please DO NOT do this OP, if she is being abused, this puts the responsibility on her and will leave her for feeling like she was asking for it or was complicit as she grows up. It’s the adult man you should speak with.

Too old to be sitting on his lap.

Never in a million years would my 13yr old DD sit on anyone's lap but mine, hasn't been any different for years.

But if she's not sat on an adult's lap for a long time, but suddenly does, then this would concern me.

When she sat on his lap, she was looking to you to make a comment. She’s done it before in the classes, was uncomfortable and wanted you to call it out. She wanted to find out if it was okay. You need to speak up

Multiple red flags. You need to act now - this sounds a lot like grooming and your DD needs to be kept safe from this.

Did she instigate sitting on his lap? If so she's 12, a little girl...

It was all good till the lap…
I think you need to have a word OP 🙁

Sounds like she has a crush on her uncle OP. A talk with her to explain that it is inappropriate to sit on a man's lap is in order!

Hey @Itwasafterallallaboutme Your racism, and ignorance of reality are showing. The Home Office and CPS have regularly confirmed that the majority of child sex offenders are white, including as members of grooming gangs. And those numbers are disproportionate to the population stats too. The fact that the press only makes high profile Asian offenders is because they are pandering to racists and trying to whip up anger in order to sell newspapers. You’re a fool for falling for it without actually looking into the numbers.

My ex's sister was abused by their mum's partner.
All the signs were there. On one occasion the sister sat one the partners lap at a family tea and one of the older relatives looked at her mum and said the immortal words " You need to remind her that ( partner ) is your boyfriend not hers ! ". Completely ignored the sisters odd behaviour going forward and put it down to " attention seeking " .

Poor kid was never going to get support in that family but thankfully was able to disclose to a school friend and didn't go home after school that day. Mum's partner was arrested and consequently jailed.

Things DO happen in front of family members . Some family ( like this one ) see the signs over and over and blame the child .
But I believe the predator in my story got off on being in plain sight .
It transpires later down the line he'd also sexually abused his own daughter when she was younger . He's also been convicted of sexually exposing himself in the last ten years and breaking the terms of an SOR . Deeply unpleasant person who's managed to be married 3 times and have 5 children .
Hiding in plain sight . It's not all in alleys , it's in children's own homes . At bath times and bed times . So the statement about it not being worrying if it happens in front of you is quite honestly exactly what this person wanted people to think .

Don’t understand why you wouldn’t address it with both of them immediately. “DD get off your uncle’s lap, it’s not appropriate”. “DB those commeNts are inappropriate to a 12 year old girl and also letting her sit on your lap is not on”. You need to lose the politeness/embarrassment you seem to feel - for your daughter’s sake. She needs these boundaries for dealing with other adults, not just your DB.

Just putting this here, 1 in 6 girls sexually abused before the age of 16. Most abuse happens at the hands of someone she knows.

We need to stop pussy footing around inappropriate men.

https://nationalcrimeagency.gov.uk/nsa-child-sexual-abuse

She's 12 - she's flattered by his attention.

At this age children can innocently push boundaries - its for the adults to put the boundaries firmly in place.

It does sound like not only is your step brother not enforcing boundaries it sounds like he is pushing them himself. So yes rad flags unfortunately - trust your instincts.

When she sits on his lap and no one around points out it is not ok, it erodes a boundary for the girl. If he, or another man with authority, wants her to sit on his lap in private it will be difficult for her to refuse -because it happened in front of her parents and they said nothing. Predators do groom children with inappropriate touch when parents are present because it breaks down the child's boundary because "if it happened in front of mum/dad and they said nothing it must be ok"

Yes but, you don't want her to experience any groping either

All normal until the last few paragraphs. Trust your gut.

There are indicators of grooming here in him buying her things, taking her to exciting places etc, and she is being over familiar with him for her age and stage of development, which can be another indicator of abuse. The two factors combined do raise concerns. Have a look on the nspcc website at the signs of abuse and see if there are others that feel relevant. I’d also attend all lessons from now on, and find a professional teacher. You can also request a Sarah’s law disclosure from the police to check her uncles record for sexual abuse.

You need to talk to them both. Firstly her, you need to talk to her about boundaries now that she is growing up. Frame it around puberty. It is not appropriate for her to be sitting on any man’s lap any more. This is really important for her safe-guarding around any man, not just her uncle.

You then need to have the same conversation with your step-brother. She is a growing pubescent girl and he needs to be aware of that. No more in-jokes, little gifts, spoiling etc. it is inappropriate and could put her in danger with other men if this sort of behaviour is normalised.

I had a similar conversation with my much younger than me BIL. He still treated my daughter like a little girl and some things, whilst fine for a little one, felt inappropriate as she got older. He was mortified when I pointed it out, but thankfully understood and backed off a bit. He was just trying too hard to be the young, cool uncle.

This could all be innocent, but it might not be. Having open and firm conversations now is the best way forward.

WTF is going on in people’s families that it’s considered normal for a 12 year old girl to have a ‘crush’ on male relatives they have grown up with?!

Also, since when is it normal for a girl to have a crush on her uncle?? Even if OPs step-brother he has presumably been in her life for some timr as a family member. Do people think this is normal???

But that is the problem. Hiding in plain sight...