DD and her uncle...AIBU to feel uncomfortable?

This

It is an absolute hard no from me. I would cut all ties between them immediately.

I was all for saying you were overthinking this until the last two points.

But no. Trust your gut.

He is literally talking and behaving like a seventies DJ

and we all know they were a bad lot

This sort of behaviour is why safe guarding was invented

Yes I was thinking this is fine until the sitting on his lap and the comments about looks. I think need to start putting some barriers in place to ensure she's not spending time alone. Sorry but just too many pieces of the puzzle there...she's of that age where these things often start and he's not blood related (not that that makes a difference always just means there's less of a line being crossed in his mind), he been showering her in attention and gifts (classic grooming). The fact he made a comment about beauty in front of you would make me wonder what's he's said when you weren't there. It MAY be innocent but with those facts I wouldn't be taking risks. Sorry.

Listen to instincts but you don't need to go straight to ending all contact. Tell you DD it was inappropriate to sit on a grown man's lap now she is a young lady and that she can come to you if anyone including her uncle touches her or says anything that feels uncomfortable. Be clear about boundaries. Also speak to your brother in law and just say 'I didn't like it when DD sat in your lap the other day, we want to make sure she has good boundaries so please don't encourage this, she's too old for it.' That sets him straight about your boundaries with your child, and if his resposne is anything other than 'sorry/of course' I'd trust your instincts and stop allowing them time alone together. It is also ok to intervene if he makes comments about her looks and tell him, 'it's not right for an uncle to make those kind of comments. I don't like it.' In front of her so they both see you are in her corner.

I would feel uncomfortable and if he is your DB have a word, if your DH's then explain to him (men are not always aware) and get him to talk to his DB.

The same day, he dropped into conversation about how "Asian and half Asian girls are the most beautiful"

I know many people use the word 'girl' to describe adult women, sometimes it is fine, but adult men talking about what sort of 'girls' they are attracted to seems at very least a bit old fashioned, let alone in front of an actual girl who happens to be his niece.

I would act immediately, I can't think how either of my daughters would end up, aged 12 sitting on any man's lap except their own dad, and coupled with the remark about half-Asian girls, again, totally awful. It comes over as flirtatious.

Now it may be he's building up a paternal-type relationship with your daughter in an innocent way by complimenting her or behaving like a dad does in his mind, but he's not her dad! And this is not appropriate behaviour.

I can't imagine seeing any of this and thinking it's fine, it's creepy to make conversation about the attractiveness of any racial types anyway, how awful.

I expect your dd will be very busy in the future, and any guitar lessons, if you want to continue, will be had with you present/the door open, but I'd get her another guitar teacher, thank him for getting her this far and move her on and away.

He should not have allowed her to do that

Peachy2005 · Today 09:41
Don’t understand why you wouldn’t address it with both of them immediately. “DD get off your uncle’s lap, it’s not appropriate”. “DB those commeNts are inappropriate to a 12 year old girl and also letting her sit on your lap is not on”. You need to lose the politeness/embarrassment you seem to feel - for your daughter’s sake. She needs these boundaries for dealing with other adults, not just your DB.”

Agree this is the best approach, though I would speak to your step brother alone. He may be perfectly innocent of any wrong doing/have no such intentions. In which case I would expect a normal reaction to be realisation, embarrassment and apology.

Op If I were you I would act. It may well be innocent but as parents let's not find out later it wasn't. As with any relationship our kids have with other adults, put all the relevant boundaries in place and do not allow any alone time now. Also sit said child down and talk about boundaries, you don't need to highlight a specific person , but you do discuss that anyone could be a danger even friends and family and no one not even family members have the right to say or do certain things. Sorry if that's ott but I'd rather he ott then crying in 10 years time because i found out absue was going on.

Red flag central. Totally inappropriate behaviour.

Hmm, it's certainly concerning. What has their relationship been like before? Has he always spoiled her with gifts etc? How did he react when she sat on his lap?
I'd be gently probing her as to what happens during the guitar lessons etc and I'd definitely have the door open and be wandering in and out.
She might just see him as the cool uncle who buys her things but equally, it could very well be that he's grooming her.

It to me sounded like an uncle spoiling his niece until the sitting on the lap part. That bit makes me really uncomfortable, trust your instincts.

Oh wow such a concern. I would have said she might have a crush on him but why on earth wouldn't HE be weird about the lap sitting. Why didn't he make an excuse and stand up?

I think this is the crucial bit actually. Uncle or not, grooming/ sexual abuse or not, a pubescent girl sitting on any man's lap oversteps boundaries significantly. Open conversations is how you keep children safe from potential sexual abuse - and most children that age would need it explicitly laid out to them that sitting on men's laps is now inappropriate as they still think with the mind of a child, despite beginning to have the thought and feelings of an older child/ young adult.

12 is not a little girl, it's completely inappropriate for this to have happened and OP needs to address it.

It is probably nothing more than him wanting to be a cool uncle

but you are not being unreasonable

Sounds to me like the grooming has already begun. The gifts? The gig? It’s in full swing and it’s now at the testing boundaries point, are other adults going to call it out or turn a blind eye to not hurt the big, pervs feelings? He’s testing you, not the little girl, he’s showing her that it’s all “normal”.

It isn’t normal. Put a stop to it.

to be it wouldn’t be anything because my child sits on anyone’s lap as a joke ( although she is 8 not 12 ) but if this is something she doesn’t do then yes I would be wary . Do you think you can talk with your partner ?

Exactly.

In fact the most effective grooming happens right in front of the parents. And when it doesn't get twigged or stopped the child's boundary's are eroded even more and they feel less able to speak up.

is you brother conventionally attractive? (not an excuse before anyone jumps down my throat but) sounds silly but if he's a bit geeky looking she may be seeing it more as a brother relationship than a crush - regardless, its inappropriate and needs to be stopped.

As a survivor of CSA, I’m telling you how comments like that leave a victim with guilt and a feeling of responsibility. Yes a child needs to learn health boundaries, but there are other ways of doing it, without referring to this specific incident or making it seem like she did something wrong.

Naunet a 12 year old child needs to know how to cope and have boundaries in place. The Uncle would probably laugh the whole incident off just as the OPs father has done.