DD and her uncle...AIBU to feel uncomfortable?

She has probably reached the right age for his interest to be sparked.

You say he's your step brother.
What are your ages? Is there a difference between his and your age?
How old were you when your parents got together?
You say you were close - do you remember anything yourself from back then?
As in - does he have a habit?

Sounded fine till the last two paragraphs - then my stomach dropped. Trust your instincts. Maybe he's a decent guy genuinely enjoying passing on skills but the lap thing is pretty odd on it's own without the creepy comment - I'd can this arrangement sharpish.

There were some posts that suggested at 12 they stop this altogether.

I was young in the 70's and it was open season on young girls and women. It just seen as something you had to put up with and we all had numerous strategies for dealing with vile groping leering men. Nobody listened, it was just considered being part and parcel of being female, shocking when I look back

Thats an opinion. I don't believe there's a set age for these things to stop. Its my opinion that if I trusted a family member then I wouldn't have an issue with my CHILD sitting on their lap. If I didn't trust the family member then nothing would be happening with them, including sitting in the same room, let alone lap.

I am so sorry 😞

My dad was a very odd man, the way he abused me was through spying on me while I was undressing, by a fair bit of verbal stuff, by ignoring me and then lavishing me with "affection". One of his things was forcing me to sit on his lap way past the age I felt comfortable with, up to about 14/15 years old, I loathed it, was aware that it was "off" but felt powerless to make it stop. To me it is a red flag . nothing overtly sexual but lots of subtle stuff that messes with boundaries and is also an assertion of power.

This. Don't be scared of upsetting anyone OP because the other possible scenario is so much worse.

Trust your instincts.

Adult men can be sexually attracted to adolescent girls.

And the other way round - when I was 12 all the posters on my walls were of singers and actors in their 30s, not the more appropriate boy bands. Much as we don't like to think about it, 12 is a very aware age.

She has a crush and he knows it and is enjoying it.

She sat on his lap - this is not something that would happen for the first time suddenly in front of everyone. They are both used to this. Men like this because her bum is in contact with his cock. (Sorry.)

The presents and the compliments and the time alone together doing something rather romantic; making music together??

Grooming happens in full daylight - and the families get groomed, too.

Her safety comes first. Put a stop to this now.

This reminds me very much of the Danielle Jones case to be honest. I could be being unfair but I would feel uncomfortable too.

the gift of fear comes to mind. Trust your gut here OP. You can NEVER be too careful. Once it’s done it’s done for life. I’d rather offend someone than take that risk

I like the suggestion from @zanahoria 'you sound like Jimmy Savile!'

Stop the contact. Worst case scenario - you look overprotective and people get defensive. It'll blow over. Best case scenario - you've saved your daughter from rape.

Seems like a no brainer.

Looks as if he has been slowly and subtly messing with the boundaries, the lap sitting stuff made my alarm bells go off. That in my opinion was him really testing the waters to see how you are going to react.

I think this is a good way to stop it and certainly if he's up to no good it will signal to him that you are on to him. It needs to be tackled definitely. Also no more lessons without you being there reading a book in the corner or something.

Trust your gut op.

@Hartley99 So true. If you did ‘t have concerns, you wouldn’t be posting.

99.9% of the posts could say ‘it’s all innocent, blah blah blah’ but we haven’t witnessed what’s going on, and picked up on your mothers instinct/gut feeling/spidery senses etc which have set the warning bells tolling.

Maybe he is just the Cool Uncle and she’s hero worshipping him, but maybe not. Be the advocate for your daughter and do what you have to to maintain her safety.

THIS
Good grief
Do you really need to ask?
Stop contact immediately- no explanation necessary.

Have a word with him about his language used in front of your daughter

Either say it is not appropriate to talk about about ''girls' in a blurred lines manner that sexualizes children and infantalizes adult women

Or just tell him he sounds like Jimmy Savile

YADNBU. There’s something off here. The lap sitting and his comment about half Asian girls is very inappropriate and would make me worry that there’d been similar comments when they’re alone.

I’d absolutely reduce their contact and I’d also talk to him alone to tell him to reduce the gifts and stop the creepy comments.

The biggest red flag is that you're on MN posting about this OP. You clearly feel uneasy. Remember, we notice far more than we're aware of. You've probably noticed/registered things at a subconscious level. These may not be things you can remember – I mean things you hold in your conscious mind – but at some deeper level they've rung alarm bells. I'd trust that feeling. I bet others can give examples of men who've made their skin crawl and have later turned out to be predators or abusers.

It doesn't really matter whether you're being reasonable or not.

If something is making you uncomfortable you have to go with that. You can't (and shouldn't) dismiss your intuition.

Haven't rtwt but had to say the lap part sounds off. My friend got abused by a guitar teacher and it started with him making her sit on his lap "to show her the correct hand positions". I'd worry that the reason she did it is because she's done it in the lesson.

A different friend was abused by someone who essentially groomed the whole family in order to gain her trust, these things can absolutely happen in plain sight.

This is the problem with grooming, it's so subtle it's hard to spot it happening right under your nose. They don't leap straight to SA, it starts by eroding boundaries little by little until you suddenly have a massive WTAF moment. If Uncle has nefarious intentions, he's testing you right now.

If I were you I would not drink a drop of alcohol when uncle is around, and make sure there are no trips up to bedrooms etc.

I would start inviting myself along on their jaunts, and I'd loudly, cheerfully call him out on creepy behaviour - "Uncle, Name is 12, it is inappropriate for her to sit on your lap", "Uncle, please don't comment on looks like that, it is creepy". You've got to let him know you're "on to him".

If you're wrong, then the worst for you is that you come off looking like an overprotective dick, if you're right then the worst for your daughter is a lot, well, worse.

This is a really good example of grooming and how it works within a friend's and family setting. It's so insidious because it operates in a really grey area, is-it-or-isnt-it, easily explained away.

https://www.defendyoungminds.com/post/10-ways-predators-grooming-kids

It's probably time to start talking to your daughter as well in a kid friendly way, she needs to know that not everyone in the world has her best interests at heart. It might be a bit young for her but I'd look up tricky people guidelines....

• safe adults go to other adults for help, advice and support. Tricky adults ask kids.

• Tricky adults cross touch boundaries. Safe adults will know what is appropriate for your age and respect your body accordingly.

• Tricky adults treat kids/teens like peers. Safe adults treat kids/teens like teens.

• tricky adults separate and isolate kids from their grown ups, safe adults include their kids grown ups.

I'd also make sure she knows that she doesn't have to be polite to anyone who crosses boundaries, that someone buying her a gift doesn't entitle them to anything further or buy her affection.