DD and her uncle...AIBU to feel uncomfortable?

Just to add, I know it is tempting to minimise this and see it as nothing really to be worried about. The fact you said nothing at the time about your DD sitting on his lap suggests you avoid confrontation.
But your DD needs you to strong and put a stop to this. I agree with another poster that your DD may have sat on his lap in front of you because he has encouraged her to do this when they are alone - but she feels a bit uncomfortable, so was checking out whether you and your DH thought this was fine.
Children often can not find the words to tell us what they are feeling or thinking. She might have thought that if she said to you she was uncomfortable about sitting on his lap when they were alone, you would ask why, and she would not be able to explain why.
We can not rely on children telling us when they feel uncomfortable about something with words. They do often tell us through their actions.

Many red flags. Trust your gut instinct

The more you post, the more alarm bells are ringing. You cannot leave your DD alone with him.

I worry for all the people excusing it as a crush or a cool uncle, there are major red flags here and its worrying that there is anyone these days, with the knowledge available, that wouldnt at the very least put some safeguarding in place.

Honestly this is the second post I've read today on mumsnet where women are standing by like gittery wallflowers while their daughters are in strange/uncomfortable/unusual positions, with males in their family. Bloody stand up and say something there and then, speak your mind, show your daughters when something is weird or inappropriate! And stop letting men be alone with your daughters if your gut instincts are telling you otherwise.

What was his reaction when she sat on his lap? I know my husband would have leapt of the chair or visibly being uncomfortable and stood up. But if my daughter did this in front of me my first reaction would be 'what are you doing' I would have verbally asked both of them and told them it was weird, but then I am up front and say things as they are happening, rather than go away and think about it from all angles

If a child came and sat on my lap for the first time, I would be really shocked and ask them to sit elsewhere, especially if they weren't biologically related. Even if I had to be 'polite', I would at least shift in my seat.

I doubt this is the first time she's sat on his lap.

" he even offered to buy her expensive trainers when she asked me for them in front of him. I said no to that one, because me and DH already decided she didn't need them. "

He is really crossing a line there - showing off in front of your daughter. It just seem wrong to openly offer to pay for something for a child when their parent has said no.

If he was really a nice guy he would have respectfully asked you away from your daughter's ears.

And groomers rely on naive parents such as the ones on here saying she just has a crush, or he is just trying to be cool Uncle.

I agree that post from OP paints things worse.

The reality: Uncle is friendly and buys Xmas and birthday presents but does not see a lot of OPs family. But them DD turns 12.

• Uncle offers free guitar lessons. He gets to give these guitar lessons in a room where it is just him and DD
• Uncle starts buying lots of presents for DD that are accepted.
• Uncle starts spending much more time at the family home, offering to do things to help out so he can spend time there.
• Uncle has 12 year old DDs phone number and can privately message her.
• Uncle is allowed to take DD to a concert with his wife there, and showers her with presents.
• Uncle is sitting in living room with parents when 12 year old DD comes and sits on her lap. Her parents say nothing about this, but mum does say to DD come and help me with something.
• Uncle says in front of parents that "Asian and half Asian girls are the most beautiful" he looked at DD and she giggled.

Honestly this is grooming 101. This is exactly how grooming happens. You need to react strongly to this OP. Your DD is old enough to sneak off and meet the uncle secretly. You need to warn off Uncle so that he will be too worried to come near DD.

I recently watched a programme about Danielle Jones - your post made me think of it again

You should have told her to get off his knee and that’s she’s too big to be sitting on knees . Then you could have judged everyone’s reactions. If she doesn’t sit on parents knees then you need to speak to her and say it’s not appropriate at that age as she goes from
being a child to a teen boundaries change.

OP, your most recent update makes it worse.

White male into anime making comments about half Asian girls being beautiful sounds like he is fetishising your 12 year old daughter.

I think you need to be very direct with him. Tell him you find the “bond” he is developing with her inappropriate. Tell him no more guitar lessons and no more contacting her phone. Tell him you found it disturbing he let her sit on his lap and his comments about beautiful races disgusting.

It doesn’t matter if he is offended. The way he has behaved is wrong. You know that, we all know that.

this post has made things seem a lot worse. He's grooming the whole family!

I often think mumsnet gets hysterical over nothing but this isn't one of those times.

It is not normal for a 32 year old man to behave this way. It is not normal for a 32 year old man to want a 12 year old girl to sit on his lap.

And the idea that they're good friends - what 32 year old man wants to be friends with a 12 year old girl?

A lot of men that age don't even like their own kids, let alone other people's.

And the guitar lessons are giving me Cruel Intentions cello lesson vibes.

Cut all ties immediately.

There's an adult nspcc helpline you could call in confidence OP, maybe talk things through with them?

There are a lot of alarm bells adding up OP, I'd also be worried. A doting uncle from day one is great, but a sudden interest as she becomes a teenager, combined with his comments on Asian women, the lap thing, and finding lots of excuses for more contact, is concerning.

I agree. I can't believe some people think that is a good idea.

He is not just iffy. He is grooming you OP and your DD so he can sexually abuse and maybe rape her. It really is 101 grooming plan.
Remember what he wants to do to your child to give you the strength to do what is necessary.

Exactly! Shocking idea.

He sounds very iffy.

She is clearly being groomed. I would -

• Make a Sarah's Law request
• Stop all guitar lessons
• Tell Uncle you are stopping guitar lessons as his behaviour is inappropriate, he will deny it and say you are being crazy but so what.
• Tell Uncle not to contact your DD on the phone again and tell him you have made a Sarah's Law request.
• Find another guitar teacher.
• Explain to DD that you think her Uncle was grooming her, so lessons are being stopped and he has been told not to contact her by phone. Tell her you have talked to police about this (you have Sarah's Law) and if he contacts her to let you know asap. She may think you are being OTT, or be a bit relieved, or a bit of both.
• Never leave DD alone if he is at a family gathering.

I would go in hard ball. He needs to know you will protect your DD fully and DD needs to know this is an appropriate response to a man grooming child.

Absolutely DO NOT tell this men - who you have some suspicions about - that your daughter has a crush on him.

What an f-ing terrible idea.

A couple of alarm bells for me - he should not allow her to sit on his lap - any adult with clear boundaries would understand this is not okay.

You say he is into anime - sorry but for me I hear 'adult man and anime' and I think PORN. He may well be watching young girls/ cartoon/ anime porn.

I would let him know very clearly you are watching him - say - 'hey - its so nice you guys hang out but obviously I have to set some really specific rules for her and don't want her getting confused. I have told her not to be alone with adult men - so - Im going to have to include you in this rule too'

wont offend him if he is innocent - will warn him off if he is not innocent.

He's white and follows a lot of Anime stuff.

Nope. That's another red flag. There is innocent anime but there is a LOT of really dark stuff.

He's also been spending more time here in general. Offering to do nice things for me and DH to help us out.

Another really red flag.

Very strong boundaries and a lot of good messaging. I'd find a way to stop the lessons but I used to be a SW. I know CSA is common and happens all the time. I know a lot of people don't think that's true.

“Alternatively, you could "level" with your brother and confess that you think she has a little crush and could he very firmly discourage her. That means if he is grooming he knows you are on to him and if he is completely innocent he is aware of the problem and should take steps to make sure he is not alone with her or letting her behave in an inappropriate fashion.”

I think this is the approach I would take.