DH got drunk with my daughter(his stepdaughter) and her friend

Yeah you’re right about the husband.

BUT, why hadn’t OP (the responsible adult apparently) not checked on them?

I think the OP is getting a little bit too much stick about the fact that she allowed her daughter and friend to have a drink! She had permission from the friend's parents and the friend's limit was not exceeded. Her daughter also had a limit! Some people are focussing more about the drinking rather than the biggest concern here....the husband!!! OP you are not over reacting! What your DH has done is not normal. Firstly, instead of keeping your daughter safe, he has allowed her to exceed the drink limit you had set for her. This is a major red flag! You should be able to trust that he will adheer to this and look out for your daughter, not allow her to drink more! The subjects that he has discussed with them are totally out of order, especially the paedophilia!! That is not normal at all! He shouldn't have had a drink with them either! He should have been acting as a responsible adult whilst you were sorting out your DS. So many red flags with this! I would chat to your daughter and see if there has ever been any other times he has mentioned inappropriate subjects to her and I would speak to him and let him know you are not happy. It's creepy and pervy what he has done and take that from somebody who has faced abuse issues from their step father. I don't want to alarm you but this really doesn't sit right! Even if he has no intention of doing anything else, the fact he has had this discussion with under age girls is concerning enough, almost like he's got a kick out of it. Listen to your gut x

I regularly discuss these topics with a 14-year-old. I think context is important here. They get ideas from their peers and are often confused.

If he embarrassed them, or if it wasn't a two-way conversation, that's weird.

He is a creep of the first degree. I wouldn't want him anywhere near my daughter.

Re vanishing to bed, I wonder if the adults had been drinking before this which might explain clouded judgement and long disappearances.

@ForLimeBeaker @ByTealDreamer you say your husband is abusive but he lives with your dd/his step dd? Not only that but you gave permission for underage dd and her friend to drink with this abusive man?

No it’s worse than that. An adult with two under 16s was plying ONLY ONE of them with alcohol - the visitor was made stick to the limit agreed with her parents.

The whole thing is weird. Including your purposely very vague responses.
while I’m not against young people having small bits of alcohol on certain occasions, it’s weird to just normalise sitting at home drinking for no “reason”, especially that young.
Those subjects are actually important topics that should be discussed with young people but not in those circumstances.
Your DH is weird and creepy. I’d expect him to watch on from a distance and not really get involved with much conversation with them. Definitely not encouraging more drinking.
Oys also weird you vanished for what sounds likes hours to put another child to bed. Regardless of their age, that’s odd.
I would seriously be questioning my husbands thought processes if he did that to my teenager.

Perfectly put.

as a young teen who unfortunately looked older physically I can tell you, we KNEW that older men even dads were flirting with us. AND your daughter would have known.

tell me one thing… if your daughters friend was overweight, spotty, greasy hair.. would he have sat there enjoying a drink with her?

or was he enjoying the company of ( in his eyes) or pretty underage girls

i suspect the latter and I suspect he felt titillated and turned on by the subject matter … especially when even hinting at being sexual.

The most famous P*rn sites are absolutely sickening, vomit inducing , FULL of vids like ‘stepdaughter’ my ‘young stepdaughters friend’ etc… absolutely revolting and I fear normalises unhealthy ideas. I would be VERY Worried if my adult partner sat drinking with underage children and touched on those subjects.

1000 percent inappropriate and like I say.. I tell you from experience of attempted grooming and deeply inappropriate attention from older men as a young teen.

Also ask yourself … would YOU sit drinking with two young boys and discuss such things. I very much expect NOT

It's not so much the topics their discussing that's weird. It's the why is a grown man hanging around a teenage girls sleepover that's weird. And it's not going to end well when the friend goes home and tells her parents what she did last night.

It’s effing creepy OP yuk yuk yuk

This. Terrible parenting and very skewed judgement. God forbid he has done anything that made either girl feel uncomfortable because supplying the alcohol looks very much like a grooming tactic.

YABU

you we’re supposed to be the responsible consenting adult here. Where TF were you? (Yes I know looking after your other kid) you weren’t able to be in 2 places at once so you shouldn’t have left two alcohol drinking teenagers without at least checking on them

Have to agree, seems truly bizarre to me offering a 13-15 year old alcohol, never mind the chat.

You won't specify ages because you know providing alcohol to 14 year olds is both morally repugnant and criminal. Yourself and your husband are both seriously lacking in judgement.

My parents used to get us pizza and sweets and some films to watch at sleepovers then they'd just leave us alone. Same at my friends houses. They'd check in on us obviously but I'd have been mortified if they wanted to sit and hang out with us.

We love a debate in this house and I actively encourage it with my two teens. One has had a sip of Prosecco once and didn't like it, would I offer them alcohol - no absolutely not. I'm very creeped out your H was pissed up at that time of night with two very young girls.. I'm sorry but this would most definitely right huge alarm bells with me.

What a shitshow - you, your DH and the other parents are a disgrace. Imagine encouraging a 14/15 year old to drink. Also, what is this bs about privacy and not giving ages, you have given enough details already, very bizzare!

He allowed your DD to have two bottles of alcohol (alcohols? Spirits?) but not her friend who had to stick to what was agreed with her parents? That is terrible because firstly he’s making them different at a sleepover and secondly it’s downright creepy rather than just poor judgement.

Had the adults (you and DH) been drinking before this?

I’m one of the most lax parents I know around my kids being able to have a drink, at their age and that time of night, absolutely no way.

A drink with food or at an afternoon bbq but late at night. No Absolutely no need for it.

And yes, your dh getting drunk with them and questionable topics of conversation, no was would my kids be coming over to your house again.

Or maybe he wanted two young girls to be under the influence of alcohol around him for an evening.......

If he is abusive and controlling then this should be the final straw for you - you don’t need a forum of strangers on the internet to tell you what deep down you already know .. make steps to get you and your children away from this man

Ok so if they are 14/15 - maybe let them have a glass of wine with dinner. It is beyond weird to let them have free rein ‘getting drunk’ and even weirder that your partner stayed getting drunk with them.

You need to reassess some things - your parenting choices, choice of DP (is he racist to boot?), who your daughter hangs out with. If the other parents are fine with them getting drunk, I’d be asking them not to not playing tit for tat.

You divulged that he is abusive and controlling. All the more reason you should not have left him effectively alone with the girls. You know he is not a good man.

The reasons why you were oblivious to what went on doesn't make sense. You may have taken time to settle your youngest but unless you live in a stately home it should have been easy for you to be more involved and aware of what was going on. I think you were asleep and just don't want to divulge that because you know it's as bad as it looks.

I'm going to cut you a tiny bit of slack because you are a victim in an abusive relationship. But you have to finally find your courage and get him out of your life. As this incident proves, it is not just you that is at risk from him, it's also your daughter and her friends. Whether that risk manifests in them being groomed and abused or just being influenced by a truly atrocious role model, you need to protect them. Stop making plans to leave him or kick him out, do it right now.

I have a 14 1/2 year old and it is absolutely insane of you (and the other girls parents) to provide alcohol. Like for what reason? 14 year olds don't need to be drunk at sleepovers or even tipsy.

Now as for your husband joining them - this is exactly why it's insane of you all to provide alcohol. Young teen girls don't keep the company of 'dads' - I know mines wouldn't want me sitting in on sleepovers, but I'm guessing the fact they got to have alcohol and feel 'grown up' and possibly drunk has affected them keeping the company of a grown man. I'm sure the girls mum didn't invision they would be drinking along with your husband. This is incredibly inappropriate and you should have sent those girls to their room when you were heading up. Your husband is seriously strange and if I found out my daughter was sat drinking with a grown man I would never allow her in your house again.