WIBU to text apologies now?

I wouldn't be thrilled to receive a message out of the blue. There is a possibility that you'd be doing more harm than good by ghosting then messaging years later.

I'd concentrate on forming new friendships, rather then raking up the past.

This thread is interesting as I resonate a lot with you OP! I’m having some similar questions myself
my thoughts are

• do a few people initially otherwise you might get overwhelmed if several get back to you at once - whether good or bad responses!
• Prepare yourself for rejection
• keep it reasonably light as some have said above. Unless you were very close and really feel you wronged someone.
• I think - though I might be wrong! - that naturally people expect that some of their friends drift over time and if it was more of a natural drift and you’re not actually drawn to rekindling now, maybe leave those ones

I think while your parents were clearly misguided to put it nicely, friendships are transactional like most relationships.

I don't want money or things from friends, but support goes both ways. Communication goes both ways.

I get a lot from my friends. Not because I'm a user but because why else would we be friends? My friends fill an emotional need, and I fill one for them.

I grew up in care and my friends are my family, and I gain a lot from them. Hopefully they feel the same about me.

That was really cruel what you wrote to someone opening up and giving you advice.

I would accept the apology personally, but not be up for reconnecting. Not because you ghosted me, more because I'd be nervous you needed more emotional support than I could give you to be honest.

Op, some people have explained that you "trying to do a good thing" may not in fact be received as a good thing by the recipients. Mumsnet is about lots of different people posting lots of different opinions.

Do it. Nothing like your background but a very good friend of mine kinda disappeared from my life. Repeated attempts by me to arrange stuff were rebuffed or cancelled on last minute so gave up.
Then ten years later her husband got in touch. I think I kinda ignored it but at some point she called and I answered. It was great to see her again and we have become friends again.

Well personally if I were one of your old friends I'd love to hear from you.

I was going to to offer some advice as a late diagnosed woman who has done what you're suggesting... But... Yeah, what she said 👆 There's no need to be offensive to people who are trying to answer your question.

I know you say you are ND but number 4 on your posts was actually really offensive to the poster who was simply offering advice.

Considering you describe your parent as a violent unmedicated undiagnosed neurodiverse parent whose maladaptive coping strategy was alcoholism can you not see that that is a horrible way to respond to a poster who was kindly explaining how you getting in touch might make another person feel?

If this is the way you interact with people it's fairly easy to see why you struggle with friendships.

No. Shitty behaviour to friends is still shitty behaviour, whatever excuse you have for it.

You could do. I would probably ignore it but that would be down to the fact that I don't have the emotional energy to be wondering if its something wrong with me every time you ghost me.

You have to understand that others have insecurities too and being ghosted can really hurt. To receive an apology months or years later, I'd just think you wanted to use me for something then fuck off again so you may not get the kind of response you're hoping for.

Im v surprised by the comments on here.

I think you’ve done really well to get to a place of introspection and want to right some wrongs. Being ghosted is not fun, and it can be confusing.

i think it would be brave and potentially offer closure/rekindle a friendship to reach out and say “hi XXX, how are you? I have been thinking about you and I miss our friendship. I’m sorry for not being in touch- I was in a very bad place and I wanted to let you know I’m here if you ever need me/want to hang out”

why not? They may not reply, but they certainly may. I don’t think it’s ever the wrong thing to 1) reach out and 2) try to better yourself.

again, without wanting to sound patronising, well done!

Yabu by not replying for so long. Life gets difficult for most people at times. Ghosting friends is a tough one to take. Im not sure hiw i would feel tbh. But uiu have nothing to lose and if you wnat yo them you definitely should. But if you open thay foor make sure you dont repeat ghosting as ptherwise thats so hurtful

I would choose a few who you have nice memories with and drop them a message saying hey how are you? Long time - my fault I know! Was just thinking of you and wondered how you are.

Then see if anything comes back.

I would think it was a bit of a self indulgent act on their part. I would assume that they had recognised that they had behaved inappropriately and were now trying to make themselves feel better about that. Quite frankly I’d think badly of them for having ghosted me, have got over it and moved on, and now be eye rolling that they were expecting me now to offer validation that it’s all actually ok.

As others have said, put your efforts into new friendships

You’ve nothing to lose, OP. I often wonder what happened to a friend I lost contact with and would be happy to hear from them. If they don’t reply then they don’t. Just because life moves on it doesn’t mean we stop thinking about people from the past

Do whatever feels right OP. Try not to overthink it. Their response is their response.

I have to agree with PP - I would move forwards rather than dwell on any previous mistakes made. There's a lot o be said about fresh starts, especially now that you have a new understanding of who you are, and what you want out of friendships.

If you revisit past relationships, you may put a lot of pressure on yourself to fix things and prove yourself rather than just allowing you to be you.

Anyway, you don't owe anyone an explanation. You dealt with things in the way you thought best at the time. You were protecting yourself.

I can totally relate to having a neurodivergent alcoholic parent BTW. Horribly impactful on childhoods, and on adult self esteem/mental health.

Good luck OP.

My initial reaction was to leave it be.

But then I remembered a friend I had who ghosted me out of the blue. We hadn’t had an argument, she just disappeared one day. I would genuinely be happy to hear from her and find out what happened.

So I say go for it, you have nothing to lose. If they don’t reply, respect that.