AIBU to want his wife’s life?

@Runningbird43 best bit of advice I’ve seen related to this subject ever. I wish someone had said that to me when I was OPs age

If you have disposable in come invest in yourself - a good therapist who can help you with your past trauma would be a starting point.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Appearances can be deceiving. You will find your own happiness.

I used to be married to a man who treated me very well in public. He treated me very badly in private. It was all a facade.

Instagram isn't real. People upload flattering photographs of themselves and their families having wonderful times. Each scene and each reel is carefully curated for maximum effect. Life isn't always fabulous and fun. It can be good though, and there will be a lovely man out there who will love you and cherish you and you can live the life of your dreams.

Great post

No you're right. It's far better that instead of knowing there are nice people in the world and good things are possible in her future, she should definitely believe that no matter how lovely someone's life can appear, chances are, they are actually living with an abuser and are secretly miserable and in a horrible marriage.

What a little ray of sunshine you are!

@Girlll123 The best advice I can give you (or anyone) is to work on being content with your own life, your own company and not think that it would be better if you had a husband or more money or a different job. Yes these things can add to your happiness but if you are happy in yourself you will be a stronger, more resilient person.

So many people are afraid to be on their own and so make poor choices in partners that they regret later.

Maybe reframe this to seek out a relationship that is as good as this one (looks).

I think this is helpful. You have no real idea, OP, what his relationship is really like, but hang on to your image of this man's behaviour as something to look for if you decide, in the future, to look for a man. Just bear in mind that some men who are lovely to their partners in public are vile to them in private. Look for a man who's as good to you in private as in public. Good luck. You deserve better.

Spot on.

This is going to sound very patronising, but OP, you start by treating yourself that well.

Eat healthy
sleep
move your body in a way you think is fun
speak kindly to yourself
look in the mirror and say a couple of positive affirmations
make connections with nice people.

You may then attract a good man into your life. If you don’t, you’re still happy.

You've survived a shitty start. You’re already more incredible than you realise!

Men like that do exist. I have one. I am aware that many men the opposite also exist (I have friends who are with them). Everyone deserves to be with a partner who treats them right. But they are out there, so don't give up hope.

I think it's great that you can see this man is kind and a good partner and want that for yourself. Hold that in your mind when you go forward, you will meet people, but not all will have these qualities. There really are some good male partners out there.

As I said, some, not all, relationships, are not what they seem. Of course op should strive to meet that special person, but it's easy when you're on your own, and I've been there, to be surrounded by people either your neighbours family and friends or even strangers in shopping mall, and feel you are the only person who can't get it right and that everyone has someone. There are a lot of very happy relationships, but op shouldn't think that every relationship she sees is a perfect one. That's not to say she won't find her happy ever after.

I’d say no one is perfect, but honestly not every relationship has problems.

OP very good relationships exist but perfect ones don’t. No relationship will fix childhood trauma but the right one will give you a place to heal and grow. I had a less than ideal childhood and one of the factors that caused the issues was my father trying to fix his childhood by creating the perfect family around him. He found it unbearable when we didn’t manage to meet his expectations.

So think about what it is about their relationship that appeals to you and recognise that whatever your start in life, you deserve the same. If you can’t accept you deserve the same then you may need to unpick some trauma with a therapist.

One problem is this idea of the perfect marriage in which the man “treats” the woman “so well” and “gives” her so much” As though the woman is a pet or a child who exists only insofar as the all important man does things for her. Its infantilizing if the relationship and of the man. He isn’t perfect and she isn’t a cipher. The marriage is equally composed of the two of them doing loving things for each other—mattering to each other.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m in one of those happy marriages and my parents and grandparents were in those happy marriages but the arise out of choosing healthy/generous/kind/self actualized men who act consistently with care and ethically because that is who they are.

OP needs to raise her standards for men and raise her expectations for her relationship—she isn’t a passive recipient of male largesse. She is the author of her own story.

On the one hand, you don’t know what their relationship is like - I’ve known couple I thought were perfect for each other and been shocked when they split.

But on the other hand, relationships likes that absolutely DO exist, and you can find a lovely man. I met mine at 30 and were incredibly happy, he’s lovely, hands on parent, hands on with housework, and an amazing partner. Focus on some counselling for yourself for now so you know that you deserve a happy and healthy relationship.

it’s also what we tell ourselves about the impossibly fantastic lives we see on instagram and face book etc. We wont always see what their life isreally like.

Life would be so much better for so many people if only they would stop scrolling Instagram and Facebook and lived their own lives.

The OP should also know that narcissism only affects between one and five percent of the UK population.

So whilst it's something to look out for, I wouldn't let the thought of ending up in a relationship with a narcissist, put you off dating.

When you say you met a man, do you mean you are sleeping with him?

When I read the opening post my first thought was the same as @Throwapple123 because I was also in a marriage with a narcissist who made sure everyone else saw him treat me wonderfully, but behind doors it was another matter.

I also believe that we should never judge a book by its cover and it’s also what we tell ourselves about the impossibly fantastic lives we see on instagram and face book etc. We wont always see what their life is really like.

Sometimes when people post about being envious of another persons perceived wealth, family, joy - the MN answers often tell the poster that comparison is the thief of joy, and we won’t know the full picture of their lives by seeing it from the outside.

To @Girlll123 sorry to derail the thread.

As others have said, there will be other men out there who are as kind and as caring as this man is.

But I would also add that his wife’s life may not be as perfect as you think it is.

Maybe reframe this to seek out a relationship that is as good as this one (looks).

Ignore the poster who said the negative post.

If you think negative then it won't happen.

Focus on yourself and don't concentrate on it. It will bring you deeper into that feeling

If you think the way that PP said then you won't see a good man when he is there.

And yet in millions of happy relationships everything is pretty much as it seems, which is what the OP should be looking at.

I'm sure the future is much brighter as long as she keeps her bar firmly raised, rather than being lead to believe that the happy relationships she sees around her are fake.