Worried DD is going to end up with an unequal relationship

Does she want to be a SAHM? If so, it's a perfectly valid life choice as long as everything is covered, such as her pension and retirement plans.

It's not an awful idea. I love my job and I work for our lifestyle not for because of a desperate "need" (although to live where and how we do, it is a need). But I would love to live in the countryside and my "job" be walking the dog, doing the garden, cooking, baking etc.

Having said that, I do enjoy being financially independent, so the reality may be different to the dream. That's the conversation to have. How will she feel about being entirely dependent? Will she go back to work to have something that's "hers" rather than "theirs"? Is she certain she will have some independence (i.e. won't have to ask for money to buy a new top or a coffee with a friend etc)?

And then be supportive of her choice. If it does go tits up, she'll need to feel like she can come to you.

You can’t stop her, but yes I’d be disappointed that this was the life she had chosen

Going to work is “freedom” and “living his best life”? According to you or according to him?

Surely if it goes tits up she'll get a chunk of all this wealth? It seems like she's aiming for more kids, and wants to be a homemaker/ full time mum or whatever it's called. She can easily go back to teaching whenever she likes. As long as he's not preventing her from working I don't see the issue really. If it's what she wants.
Surely she can use the London flat whenever she likes as well? If they've got money then travelling between Bucks and London regularly is no big deal. If she's happy then I think you've nothing to worry about.
Worse case, Should she decide to leave him she will still have time to have more kids with someone else if she's that much younger.

I didn’t even know any 45 year olds outside off of work when I was that age except my parents friends, former teachers, lecturers etc. but they definitely weren’t in my social/dating circle. I’d have been horrified if one has approached me 😅 and I wouldn’t have cared how wealthy he was.

I don’t have any issues not living full time with a man in general, and a couple of my friends have this arrangements but they’re much closer in age to their partners.

In this situation I would wonder about his intentions based on the fact he’s been enjoying his life as a single child free man until middle aged and then marrying a relatively young girl who hasn’t experienced life as much yet. There’s a clear imbalance and while he wasn’t happy to settle down young he’s happy for a young woman to do so for him. Now he’s proposing this. It’s all part of misogyny tbh the idea that men can and should mess around until whatever age enjoying their youth then settle down with the young woman 😌

But anyway this particular arrangement could all be very innocent like the people I know who do this.

At least she will have financial protections of marriage etc and as icky as it may be to us for some women this is still the dream. Hopefully he has the best of intentions.

I don’t see the OP treating her DD as dumb I think she is being very sensible about it and not wading in to tell her how to run her life.

By the same token she is concerned about the huge financial and power imbalance in the relationship. I would feel the same: it’s not what l would want for my daughter and I think it’s entirely legitimate to be concerned and seek advice.

Lots in City jobs do this. Big house in the shires and pied a terre in London. I've never seen the attraction, particularly from the woman's point of view, if she is the one at home with the children. There is usually quite a lot of childcare support in the country outpost too - brigade of nannies, PTs etc. The only times I've thought that it seemed an okay arrangement was when the couple didn't seem very together anyway and didn't seem to really like each other that much. It sounds like this is not the case with your DD. I agree with others, it is her life and decisions but I would very much focus on making sure she is financially protected if it all goes wrong as she is foregoing building her own career.

Sad but true.

It’s the being on her own with babies/toddlers for large chunks of the week that would worry me too. The evenings and nights are hard enough in those years even when you have a partner there to share the load.

She’ll be ok. Worse comes to worse the relationship doesn’t work out, she gets half or more of their properties, lots of maintenance money and can go back to teaching. It’s not like there’s no jobs in teaching.

She’s saying she wants three kids now, she’s not had the kid yet. She may well change her tune.
Encourage her to make friends where she moves, go to lots of playgroups etc when baby is born. She’ll have lots to keep her busy and hopefully you can visit a lot.

Agreed - I used to work in financial services and know many people like this.

@NeedToChangeName The assets here clearly make a huge difference. If they divorced, OP's DD would have enough to buy a house mortgage free and invest the rest, living a good life even on minimum wage jobs.

It's not like the majority of SAHM on MN claiming their DH have 'big jobs'... 60K a year. It's a great wage, but not enough to have a good life post-divorce on minimum wage. Unless they were lucky enough to buy property that has since tripled in value.

The only thing that would concern me is ensuring she has access to money in her own name , and decisions are made jointly.

Presumably if he is so well off financially he will be retired and they'll be living their best life.

Tbh that would be my idea of heaven. Its only three days a week when he's not around. And sometimes a routine works pretty well when you dont have someone else to factor in during the week. All depends on your dds personality- whether she is a social butterfly or someone who is more introvert and likes her own space.

Where do I sign up.

Sounds like a great deal to be fair.

Thats sounds really miserable and 25 is very young she may not fully understand what she's getting into. I'd gently ask her what she's going to do all day and encourage her to work part time.

It sounds brilliant to me (but then, I didn't like living with someone else)

I think with this relationship set up, even with a really kind, loving, supportive dh, you need to determine that you have a way of negotiating big decisions equally as a couple.

For example, if the dh in this case is offered a new job that involves a move abroad, or they need work doing on the house, it’s inevitably the one who is the highest earner who gets the most “say” in the decision. And that leads to inequality over time.

It also means that the onus is on the sahp
part of the couple to be in charge of domestic drudge, whether they have cleaners or not, it’s their domain, and that can lead to inequality too.

Also, as she hasn’t had dc yet, I would be worried that your dd doesn’t fully realise what she is agreeing to. My dh worked abroad in the early stages of our relationship and it’s no fun being on your own for three nights straight with two vomiting dc. Similarly, it’s scary having no one there if your dc has to go to A&E etc.

Now if you have serious wealth you can afford live-in help so maybe that won’t be a problem. But if you have wealth to buy the big house, but not the people to staff it, that might not be as much fun.

But it would be good to know in advance who sets the parameters of the budget and how your dd will access it?
She is making herself vulnerable to his decision-making priorities otherwise, which may be very different to hers.

Finally, I would be interested to know who instigated the idea of living in the country. As pp has said, the countryside can have more of a community feel than living in anonymous London, so I wouldn’t necessarily be worried about isolation.

And if they want lots of dc it may make sense financially to move out. So I think the success or otherwise of this arrangement will depend to an extent if your dd is a career driven urbanite, or whether she is more of a nature-loving homebody who loves ponies, lots of space, and the WI (exaggerating and over-simplifying there obviously).

Also, despite the age gap, whether your dd can speak up for herself. Having dc changes the dynamic of any relationship so much. Does it sound like her dh is willing to embrace that change equally or will it only be your dd’s life that is dramatically different?

It’s not really your place to interfere in their decisions op, and people will have different ideas about to what extent it’s appropriate to “express your concerns”, but hopefully this thread will have given you ideas about a few topics that you can chat to her about thoughtfully, that you can broach in a supportive “I want what is best for you” way?

Similarly,

That sounds ideal. The children get a nice upbringing away from pollution and city schools, dad is around 4 nights a week and there for the entire weekends, mum has free time and presumably the money for childcare support if she does need it.

Be happy for her unless she actually comes to you with a worry. There's about a million ways her life could be worse.

I’d be a bit sad not to have my husband, and the kids dad, home every night but frankly otherwise that sounds amazing… and to be fair, my husband (same age as me, don’t panic) works such long hours, he might as well stay away some nights, and we’re not even loaded to show for it 😂 living in London certainly doesn’t have the upper hand over the countryside for many, many people.
You would be an absolute fool to start shitting all over your daughters life plans. It’s her life, not yours, and you’ll push her away with your judgemental attitude.

I don't think this is an uncommon arrangement for those who can afford it and it does suit some people very well. The one thing I'd ask is whether DD can drive? The home counties is hardly 'the middle of nowhere' as has been pointed out, but if she can't drive it'll be easy to feel isolated, so she ought to make sure she learns as soon as she is able if she can't already.

The time to warn her of the potential issues of marrying older rich man was before the marriage. Not after the pregnancy has started! What did you expect her plan to be? l I don’t think she is any more vulnerable to an unequal relationship if they live like that rather than together full time. He is likely to work from home more as he gets older and then you add in annual leave etc…

I would encourage her to keep working part time to keep her toe in the game but I can also see why someone who could afford to stop working and be a sahp in a rural location wouldn’t want to. It sounds like a dream to me.

were you planning on giving her lots of hands on support with baby if you live close? If so then I would maybe caution that you couldn’t help so much if she moves further away.

No, you can't talk to her in the way you envisaged.

But keep lines of communication open and be there for her. Especially as a grandmother once the baby arrives.

One thing I would do however: point out to her that she should register for child benefit, even though her husband will have to pay it back via his tax return. This will count as NI contributions while she is not earning and preserve her right to a state pension.

She’s a 25 year old degree educated woman who has married someone in their 40’s, not some naive 17 year old with no prospects and no clue who has married someone her grandfathers age.

she’s moving to prime commuter belt, not the back of beyond. She’ll be absolutely fine.

I'd always recommend doing life changes in stages rather than all at once. Setting into parenthood at the same time as settling into county life sounds like a lot. I'd just be telling her that some people find having a baby can make them feel isolated anyway, how does she think she will feel being away from her friends / family / city life as well? See how it goes on maternity leave first before deciding whether to quit her job. I've known women who wanted to be SAHP that were bored out their brains and ended up going back. And also career women who planned to go back but then found they weren't comfortable leaving their baby. Most people seem happier working a small amount than not working at all. It's all about leaving your options open and seeing how it goes before committing to any major life changing decisions that might be tricky to come back from (once you've bought outside London it might be hard to buy in London again for example).

It wouldn’t be the life I wanted and I’d caution my daughters against it for many reasons, especially before the first baby is even born but ultimately, she’s an adult and I’d be supportive of her choices even if I don’t agree with them.