Worried DD is going to end up with an unequal relationship

Assuming she has a degree if she's a teacher. Good grief she's not an idiot.

Why can't graduates be idiots? There's a difference between knowledge and wisdom

My DH regularly calls himself a wage slave. He would give up working for money in a heartbeat if he could, as would I.

Just because we're capable of doing something doesn't mean we want to. I have turned down many "promotions" into management because I can't imagine anything worse than managing the teams I've been offered. I've always been told "but you're very good at it" and my response is "I'm good at a lot of things, it doesn't mean I have to do it".

If it suits them, then great. 👍

“while he is living his best life”

It wouldn’t be for me, but where in that set up is she not living her best life?

What pains me is that by rights, all his work and social colleagues should have made him feel so embarrassed at dating someone more half his age, that it never got off the ground. Yet it’s totally seen by so many as acceptable 🤮
Including plenty on MN who pile on to tell you about their 24 year age gaps.

The world’s bigger than MN. 🤷‍♀️

Not on here they aren’t. They are ‘providers’, they ‘work hard’ so don’t have to do any of the night feeds etc the language difference is absolutely there.

Mothers who work full time are ‘wage slaves’, ‘materialistic’, ‘selfish’ and so on.

@Thepeopleversuswork I do understand the worry. I'm just looking at it from the other side.

We're in a time when women can choose to do everything. It doesn't mean we have to. If what this girl wants is to be a stay at home mum, she's able to choose to do that and she's chosen her husband well to do it.

We also don't know that he's gone out of his way to choose her. She may well have chosen him for all the reasons outlined: financial stability, maturity, shared hopes for the future.

Yes they are. Lots of men would describe themselves that way. My son certainly did before he stepped off the treadmill.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos

I like my job. If money was no object I would probably choose to scale it back time wise and choose projects I like but if I was a billionaire I wouldn’t stop working. I love working, it gives me a lot of my purpose. I know people will be along to tell me this is sad but it’s how I feel.

I can completely understand how people who dislike their jobs would choose no to do them however.

Its not necessarily the job vs no job thing though. It’s possible to have a marriage that is very equal with one traditional breadwinner and non working spouse if it’s set up correctly.

But this particular marriage seems to be built on inequality. The guy appears to have gone out of his way to choose a spouse with absolutely no potential to challenge him, one who can’t say no to him. This is, I think, what worries the OP and it would worry me too.

The point is that women are capable of being high earners themselves. Why are only women ‘wage slaves’ when they work? Men are never described that way.

She’s married so she’s protected to a great extent. So many women on here don’t look at this.

Sound like she’s happy and she’s got a decent husband. It makes sense if they’re to have 2/3 kids that they locate somewhere family friendly and she’s the lower earner. I would though say that she ought to maintain a level of financial independence, but seriously women who don’t work and aren’t married are the ones who are making a grave mistake. Sounds like she knows what she is doing.

I wouldn’t be thrilled with her life choices either, but as PP’s have said, she’s an adult and they’re married so she has legal protections.

You need to tread carefully so you don’t alienate her. I’d suggest saying something along the lines of it’s always a good idea to think longterm, so where does she see herself in 10 years, 20 years, for example, when her children are grown, abd what does she need to do to achieve that?

She’ll only be in her mid-40’s when her children are late teens/young adults so it’s likely that she’ll want a fulfilling career then. It makes sense to prepare for that while she’s bringing up her children- working p-t, getting additional qualifications, etc., and they have the money to easily facilitate that.

Otherwise her DH will retire and she’ll be bored witless by 50 with nothing to do.

Also, if things don’t work out and she becomes a single Mum, she’ll have some up-to-date skills. Don’t say that, of course, but it can happen.

He wouldn’t be my choice of dh due to the age difference but I can see why for other people it would work if age is not important to them and otherwise they get on well. Your dd is bringing youth, energy and fertility to the relationship while her dh is financially solvent, has life experience and stability.

Pragmatically I think that’s a pretty good exchange of attributes so I don’t think she is in an unequal relationship. This sort of living/ working arrangement is very common amongst finance workers in the city and the wife is usually had a nanny & cleaner to help out so hardly ever on her own. As others have said she is married to him so that brings legal and financial protection and what I would advise if she was my dd, is if possible she should keep her hand in her profession even if doing one day a week in teaching as no one knows what might happen in the future and no matter how good things are now it’s always useful for a woman to be able to earn her own money. Also it’ll give her a break from domestic stuff and she’ll most likely appreciate it once her baby is a bit older.

@Thepeopleversuswork but would you choose to work doing what you currently do, or something else?

For example, the role I had prior to the one I'm in now, I absolutely hated. And if I'd fallen pregnant when in that job, I'd not have gone back from mat leave. I'd have waited til she was older, at school etc, and retrained doing something else. Because while I need to be doing something, I also can't bear the thought of setting the example that you have to work regardless of way you're treated at work (it was really bad).

If we won the big bucks on the lottery I'd jack in what I'm doing now and volunteer. Spend more time with DD and DH. Maybe set up a business doing one of the things I love doing but have no time for.

We don't know her intentions beyond moving into this house, having the baby and looking after it and subsequent children. It may be that she has plans to become a community volunteer. Or to study and train in something she loves to do while the kids are at school. One of those things that those of us with bills to pay couldn't consider, because most of the things I really want to do, don't pay enough for us to live right now.

Commuter belt Surrey or Berkshire are not really rural.

There will be plenty of facilities and plenty of people with small kids to make friends with.

Really rural is the middle of Lincolnshire.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos

Would you choose to work if you simply didn't have to

Yes a million times yes. I would really hate not working. I know there are masses of ways to live a fulfilling life without it though.

Its less the fact she doesn’t want to work for me, it’s more the thought of a relationship with such a massive power imbalance though. It just makes me uncomfortable.

100% agree.

Most decent men in their 40s are not dating women barely out of their teens.

It is definitely unequal.

Unlike his wealth, youth and fertility are ten a penny, and they have an expiration date.

My worry would be that she will be isolated in a rural area away from everyone she knows. Does she have any friends there? What will her social support system be? People need support in the form of friendships and community in order to thrive.

Sometimes ages just isn't a factor.

And we don't know that he wants her to have no financial independence or agency within the marriage. However, he is able to enable her to make whatever choice she wants.

Would you choose to work if you simply didn't have to? Or would you consider it having no financial independence if that money which enables you to choose not to came from, for example, your husband's inheritance?

Personally, I would go loopy at home all the time. But if I had the resources to not have to work, I would be making vastly different choices for mine, and my child's, lifestyle.

This.

@Nanny0gg

And unless there's any indication yet that he's controlling, why assume that either? If he was a decent man when he was younger, he may well stay a decent man into his dotage

I don’t think it’s a given that he’s controlling but you do have to wonder what kind of man in 2024 wants a wife who is so much younger, has no financial independence and no agency within the marriage.

Why is working when you don't have to setting an example?

If you want to be at home with your kids and being an active parent in that time not a good example?
Years ago I did voluntary work till I started a 'proper' job again.
Why is it a lack of self-respect? We can't assume she'll be spending her days at the spa and shopping

And unless there's any indication yet that he's controlling, why assume that either? If he was a decent man when he was younger, he may well stay a decent man into his dotage

@Tripeandonions I agree. I would find it a pretty depressing life and I wouldn’t want it for my kid.

However she has at least got wealth.

What exactly do you mean by "what kind of example will she be setting"?

My mum stayed home when I was young (from necessity) and it worked wonderfully. She went back to work when I was a teen (have a younger sibling) and because she's incredibly capable, worked her way up fast.

This let my dad retire early, having worked as the main financial provider for many years, because now she could provide financially what we needed. So he began taking on more domestic stuff.

Staying home while dad provides isn't a bad example to set children, if it's done right. And, if mum and dad are both happy with the set up, there's clear respect on both sides etc, that's a good example to set. They're working as a team.

You've jumped straight to the scenario where the man is only looking after himself and the poor woman is "stuck" at home being run ragged. That's not always the dynamics for a family with a stay at home parent.

Do you live near any of those places? If not can you try to encourage them to buy a ‘country house’ somewhat near you on the basis that you can be an on hand grandma?
I’d also be planting the idea of a London flat still big enough for her and the baby to stay occasionally, otherwise they could end up with very separate lives.