Worried DD is going to end up with an unequal relationship

Have you met 24 year old men? I didn't want to marry one when I was 24 never mind later.

Yep.

I would feel the same if my kids had babies very young. I would feel a sense of failure in my parenting if they did this too.

My kids are at uni now and already know they don’t want to ever depend on a partner for their money (if they remain in good health of course)

24 is so young to give up working.

And we need to look at why 40y women are not marrying 24y men who then give up work. The power imbalance is strong.

I’m 28 and my partner is 41, we met when I was 19 and he was 33. We have two children (currently 17 weeks pregnant with the third too although it’s a touchy subject right now) and my partner works in London Mon-Fri and our house is in Yorkshire which is a 4/5h car journey or 3h train.
It sounds like your daughter is quite sure of what she wants and sounds like a strong woman, and no matter what you won’t be able to talk her out of it - she will do whatever she wants. My partner works in finance too, and although he earns a decent salary it won’t be nearly as much as what your DD’s husband sounds like he earns - I’m sure he will be able to provide her a comfortable life, but only she will find out if this comes at a cost.
I will say that when I was 19, I was promised many things that haven’t come to fruition, and the relationship is rocky at times. We have an immense amount of love for each other but naturally it does feel unequal due to the age gap, the distance, the children, him earning the money and me not (although we are not married so this might play a factor too) However this is the life I have chosen for myself and I cant have regrets, only your daughter can figure this out and I’m sure she will, just be there to support her and try not to pass judgement because this will only cause her to drift from you.

I share your concerns, OP.

Please encourage her to make sure she has a good pension.

Although PP's are right that it is none of your business, I think it is fine to ask her some questions. For example.... how does she plan to manage being on her own so much with a new baby and in a new area.

By moving is she going to be further away from friends and family? Is there any chance her husband wants to cut her off from her support network?

ExDP is 20 years older than me and within weeks of DC1 being born, he started in domestic abuse (coercive control not physical violence).

The whole thing does not make any sense because as you say, they could afford a big place in London and stay together as a family. It really does sound like your DD's husband is up to no good. And I know you say he seems lovely - exDP is kind and generous to most people, including my mum, but he abused me .

Maybe because we're made to feel shame regardless of our choice, and so we don't fight for what we're worth when we do work.

I also think that true feminism is that we are able to choose what we do, without judgement, in the same way men do. Being able to earn our money, and jobs, and respect. Not the "token" feminism of putting women in 50% of top jobs by X date. Because in that scenario, if I'm promoted over a man with similar experience, is that only because I'm a woman? Not because I deserve that role?

Theres many reasons the gaps still exist. Some are because not all women want to work, some do genuinely want to be mothers and with their children. Some of the reasons are because the feminist "cause" has gone too far the other way and instead of demanding equal opportunity the uber feminists are demanding equality on the most literal sense (i.e. exactly the same amount of men Vs women in roles). But if the women promoted into those roles don't actually deserve them, that sets us back again.

I'm not going into it anymore because it'll derail this thread, but letting women choose their own lives without judgement of those choices is the first step to achieving true equality.

Has he been married before? I don't think you get much on splitting if it has been a short marriage.

Good for her, she is married and will be set up for life even if they spit 10-20 years down the line.

If I was prettier in my 20s, I would have done the same.

It's her choice . But I would feel that I was failing as a parent not to at least try to point out to my dd the downsides of a choice like this.

But raising a family rurally is so much nicer and less stressful than a big city, especially London. Sounds okay to me as long as he dies his fair share of childcare and house work when he's home, plus they could obviously afford a nanny if needed

I think individuals can do what they want. And it’s certainly not something I discuss with my lovely sahm friends.

But as a society I think it’s important we look at why these unequal dynamics exist, why we have a gender pay gap and what we can do to close it. A view that is rarely supported on MN.

This is the Carrie Johnson relationship model isn’t it?

It wouldn’t be my choice, but if she just wants a big house, kids, passive income and lots of free time, unburdened by her husband’s company, it will be good while it lasts.

But it's still what she wants. Why is no one interested in that?

As women we can't win. Work FT and you're not there for the children. Stay at home and you're lost to the workforce, doing the wrong thing for feminism. Work PT and you're failing both your employer and your children by not giving either 100% of your time and attention.

People say we can have it all, but when we make decisions for ourselves they are judged and questioned.

No. Because as a rule men don’t get lost to the workforce when they start procreating. I would welcome more sahds until we achieve true equality.

I absolutely agree; he has wealth and she has youthfulness and attractiveness. Both have the pick of partners so choose each other; it works. It was ever thus.

Doesn’t mean it’s wrong/can’t work/ they don’t love each other.

How is it a shame if it's what she wants?

Would you say "another man lost to the workforce" if the roles were reversed?

I would be so disappointed if my daughter did this. Yet another woman lost to the workforce and the gender pay gap continues. How depressing. You can do nothing other than support her of course. She is so young though. What a shame.

Understandable that you feel concerned but she's made her choice .

Most woman don't go for a man 20 years older than them unless there's a positive for them, and clearly that comes down to a moneyed lifestyle that he can offer.

Honestly I don't think it seems like a bad choice. Lots of people would prefer to raise kids outside of big cities.
I'd encourage her to join local group eg toddler etc to make friends where she is living to avoid being lonely
I know you will miss her but lots of people live like this very successfully

Let’s be realistic. Would the average 25 year old marry a 45 year old if the 45 year old was wasn’t well off? No. There is nothing wrong with it, but don’t pretend that having money doesn’t make an older man much more attractive. Would a 45 year old man working in an average job living in a rental somewhere have the same pulling power with someone half his age? Probably not.

Well, this is what all the older women want to believe will always happen.

All that water would worry me with little ones.

In 20 years time, he will still be rich. But she won't be young any more.

Tbh, the fact that he dated a 20yr old when he was 40+ makes me think that she might start to seem too old for him a lot sooner than that.

Sometimes I think in Mumsnetland feminism never happened.

@andthatsaswan I would be trying to have conversations with your dd about her future. When the babies are grown up, or if they never happen. What if she changes her mind. What about her pension? What if at some point she wants a different sort of life?

Actually, this is very common when one partner has a high-paid job in the south east in finance/law/the city etc.

Relationships with children are just fine; children attend lovely schools, go on nice holidays and see the working parent at the weekends, which is no more than they would see if they lived together, due to the hours of the jobs involved.

I can’t really see how missing a few days a week means he can’t have a good relationship with his children? Just a bit hyperbolic really. He’s around all weekend and Friday/monday.

if anything I think it could be beneficial because you’d have the space to really focus on the job when your family aren’t there and work late etc so you can be fully present at home.