Worried DD is going to end up with an unequal relationship

I really disagree with this. She is not moving to a City with lots of baby classes but to a rural area. This may mean she has to drive a fair distance to go to any groups. Not always easy with a new baby and no support.

True equality would be both parents considering the choice and it not seen as a choice that only women make once they become parents. We need to be asking men when they become fathers ''Are you going back to work?'', ''How much time are you having off?'' etc which mothers are usually asked during maternity leave.

We also need to offer men more than just 2 weeks off with their new baby.

Re: her being lonely. Having a baby can provide lots of opportunities for developing a new social circle. It’s arguably one of the best times in life for moving to a new area. At 25 I imagine her existing friends are probably not also yet at the stage of having babies(?) so those friendships would likely change anyway. I honestly don’t think this will necessarily be a terrible situation from a loneliness perspective. It could work out very well for her.

Maybe because we're made to feel shame regardless of our choice, and so we don't fight for what we're worth when we do work.

I also think that true feminism is that we are able to choose what we do, without judgement, in the same way men do. Being able to earn our money, and jobs, and respect. Not the "token" feminism of putting women in 50% of top jobs by X date. Because in that scenario, if I'm promoted over a man with similar experience, is that only because I'm a woman? Not because I deserve that role?

Theres many reasons the gaps still exist. Some are because not all women want to work, some do genuinely want to be mothers and with their children. Some of the reasons are because the feminist "cause" has gone too far the other way and instead of demanding equal opportunity the uber feminists are demanding equality on the most literal sense (i.e. exactly the same amount of men Vs women in roles). But if the women promoted into those roles don't actually deserve them, that sets us back again.

I'm not going into it anymore because it'll derail this thread, but letting women choose their own lives without judgement of those choices is the first step to achieving true equality.

So women aren't allowed a choice as they should live how you tell them ? Do you think every other women is an idiot ?

Sometimes I think in Mumsnetland feminism never happened.

@andthatsaswan I would be trying to have conversations with your dd about her future. When the babies are grown up, or if they never happen. What if she changes her mind. What about her pension? What if at some point she wants a different sort of life?

To answer a few questions.

I don’t think he is sleazy in anyway, he’s never been married before and having had long chats with him it’s clear he devoted himself to his work and let life pass him by, he didn’t really have any long term relationships.
They met at a tennis club, DD had just turned 20, he was almost 40, they were paired up for mixed doubles at the club tournament and well that was that.
DD is extremely clever, however she is much happier pursuing things as they interest her, she was never one to really have a career in mind (she studied classics and English).
I think DD is with him as he treats her like she’s a princess! I truly believe he does love her and he has dedicated his life to her since they met which is why I’ve bit my tongue and been supportive!
DD grew up outside of London, I lived in a town but her dad had a lovely cottage in a village, I think DD is hoping to recreate that.

He is chief investment officer for a private bank, he is in office for not much past 7 most days and won’t leave until 6, often it will be followed by a meal with sales rep from a fund house or similar.

My concerns are with DD being alone, I don’t live near any of the places she wants to live, nor does her dad or sister. She is certain it will be an hour on the train to London if she wants to go meet friends for lunch - I don’t think she yet understands how time consuming babies and children are! She can drive though which I know will help!

I hate the trope that marriage is some magical legal protection, many of my friends and acquaintances have either been fucked over in a divorce or trapped in unhappy marriages due to finances. Yes, it affords you some protection but being financially independent is the only way to fully protect yourself.

OP I agree, I would be worried too but there is nothing you can actually do or say other than perhaps suggests she has an exit fund or keeps her part time work hours.

I’m also baffled by the number of women who consider shagging a rich older guy as “landing on your feet”.

I don’t know why you’re baffled or why you think not doing paid work means low aspirations. Marrying someone who’s wealthy gives you choice. I’d have loved to use my skills to benefit a charity, I could have done that if I’d married a wealthy man. There’s nothing noble, feminist or aspirational about being a wage slave if you don’t have to.

I believe it’s wrong for society as a whole. Read my other posts. Individuals of course can do as they please.

Oh give over, she's an adult.
If that's what she wants to do then what's wrong with that?!

I would be so disappointed if my daughter did this. Yet another woman lost to the workforce and the gender pay gap continues. How depressing. You can do nothing other than support her of course. She is so young though. What a shame.

Assuming she has a degree if she's a teacher. Good grief she's not an idiot.

Why can't graduates be idiots? There's a difference between knowledge and wisdom

I agree it's entirely her choice but rural Berkshire, Buckinghamshire or Surrey isn't exactly the north of Scotland so I don't understand his need for a flat in London for three days a week.

We live in a rural area in the Home Counties but I can get into London in just over an hour by train and I used to every single day before DS came along. Unless he works very long hours I can't understand why he can't do a commute.

exactly the same amount of men Vs women in roles). But if the women promoted into those roles don't actually deserve them, that sets us back again.

Why should we not naturally have as many women as men in most roles (other than the caring industry)? Why is there an imbalance?

letting women choose their own lives without judgement of those choices is the first step to achieving true equality.

But choices are not made in a vacuum. They are a function of the society, values and expectations we live under. If we do nothing and just accept the status quo without question, then things will never change.

I am always surprised at how ‘unfeminist’ most of MN is.

Have you met 24 year old men? I didn't want to marry one when I was 24 never mind later.

Maybe because we're made to feel shame regardless of our choice, and so we don't fight for what we're worth when we do work.

I also think that true feminism is that we are able to choose what we do, without judgement, in the same way men do. Being able to earn our money, and jobs, and respect. Not the "token" feminism of putting women in 50% of top jobs by X date. Because in that scenario, if I'm promoted over a man with similar experience, is that only because I'm a woman? Not because I deserve that role?

Theres many reasons the gaps still exist. Some are because not all women want to work, some do genuinely want to be mothers and with their children. Some of the reasons are because the feminist "cause" has gone too far the other way and instead of demanding equal opportunity the uber feminists are demanding equality on the most literal sense (i.e. exactly the same amount of men Vs women in roles). But if the women promoted into those roles don't actually deserve them, that sets us back again.

I'm not going into it anymore because it'll derail this thread, but letting women choose their own lives without judgement of those choices is the first step to achieving true equality.