Worried DD is going to end up with an unequal relationship

Has your daughter factored in the possibility of being traded in for a younger model in twenty years or so?

@BIossomtoes "I’d be ashamed to be such an inadequate parent that I couldn’t manage on my own for three days."
It's not about not being able to manage. It's about planning a new lifestyle which it makes it necessary. And a new father being happy to spend so much time away from his baby .

Okay, I do not consider that rural. I take your point that it depends what OP means by rural.

I really disagree with this. She is not moving to a City with lots of baby classes but to a rural area. This may mean she has to drive a fair distance to go to any groups. Not always easy with a new baby and no support.

I moved to the Home Counties after DC2. It was non stop baby massage/yoga; NCT coffee mornings; toddler painting classes; baby ballet; rhyme time and baby swimming all morphing into long lunches and plenty of tea and cake. And that was almost twenty years ago. I don’t think the OPs DD is going to be troubled by lack of activities.

Depends on the nanny.

DH and I learned how to parent together. I wouldn’t want anyone else by my side.

Why would a nanny be far more effective?

Training, experience, competence, knowledge, professionalism.

Why would a nanny be far more effective?

I would manage the odd night if I had to or for illness, emergencies etc but I wouldn’t want to so I wouldn’t be with someone in the military or the such like.

I wouldn’t want a nannys support at home, I’d want my husbands support.

Of course it’s a reasonable expectation but he can do that without being available seven days a week. Especially if there’s other support like a nanny.

She didn't say she couldn't cope, she said she would not want to. There's a big difference and IMO it's very reasonable to expect the father to play an active role in parenting his children.

It sounds like trying out the storyline for a chick lit novel, rather than a real scenario.

🙄

Even though a nanny would be far more effective? Good thing military wives on their own for months on end manage to cope, isn’t it? I’d be ashamed to be such an inadequate parent that I couldn’t manage on my own for three days.

I agree.

I wouldn’t want to parent 3 days and nights myself. A nanny wouldn’t be good enough for me, I’d want my children’s other parent to want to parent their child every day too.

As her parent, your main concern is for her and your unborn grandchild’s future welfare-that’s fair enough.

Obviously she’s going to make her own decisions, but when they’re buying a house, I don’t think it would be overstepping to remark that it’s best if she’s also on the deeds just in case something happened to her DH. She may easily not be on the mortgage (assuming they need one) due to his high income.

Perhaps it would be overstepping, but she and your grandchild are your priorities.

I don’t think it’s that unusual lots of parents live away part of the week for work. Especially before covid.

Is it really what DD wants or does she want it because HE wants it and hes paying?

Moving to somewhere where DD has family or friends close by, would be better....if husband is insisting on not living in London

Will she have an au pair/nanny/housekeeper/gardener?

I wouldn't be putting up with three consecutive days and nights every week. But my DH is a very active co-parent so it would feel like a big difference. It seems like for some people on here they would barely notice.

I was moving 4 hours from my family to live with a man almost 10 years older than me who, at the time of making the decision, worked another 400 miles away in the other direction and so would be away the whole week.

We did not have children and he did not plan on that being his full time job but that's the reality. He was made redundant a month before I moved and so was working in the local area when I did move, but wasn't when we made the plan. I also had no work lined up for the first six months, and was hoping for enough temp work.

I was sure it was going to work out (and so far, it has, many many years down the line). But to anyone not completely sure that this was the start of our life together, it was a bit scary to think about.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos Exactly. You were following a carefully thought out plan, and making sure you were independent and supporting yourself. You weren't handing your independence completely over to a much older man, who was going to leave you solo parenting children for half the week......

I was 23 when I moved, with a job for 6months time, 4 hours from my family. My mum asked me if I was sure and whether I had thought about "all possibilities". I said yes, because I had, but that one question made me double check myself.

Because I'm intelligent and sensible, much like OP has described her DD, and have been raised to think about the big picture, no further conversation was had. Because I was an adult, who had at that point put myself through university, graduated with a good level in a good subject, held down a job and kept a long distance relationship going. I had also clearly thought through my plan, having gotten a place to live, registered with several temp agencies and sorted a graduate position for 6 months time.

If it had gone tits up, I'd have gone home. Reluctantly, but with confidence I'd have been welcomed back with no judgement. But I'd have had less confidence if, having made my plan, thought it through and told my mum, she had then questioned everything. I'd have felt like she didn't trust I knew what I was doing and doubted my ability to build the life right for me.

OP needs to be careful not to question too much and shake her daughter's belief that her mother thinks she's an adult capable of deciding for herself. Because it could push her away.

Well done! When my DD was born, DH worked somewhere that offered 2 weeks at stat pay only, so we'd have lost a significant chunk of money if he'd taken it. Instead he saved all his AL and booked it in around her due date, then moved it when she came. Because dad's actually do want to be there when their child is tiny.

Shouldn't have had to come to that, but he did what was necessary to have that time with us.

I’d be more than happy to swap with her!! 🙈

She’s moving to the Home Counties not the Isle of Skye. Have you actually been to Surrey, Bucks or Berks? They’re packed with affluent people with young families, they’re so built up the concept of rural left them long ago.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos "But this decision she can't possibly have made for herself or have thought through."

She could have done. But if she was my dd I would want to be very sure she had considered all the possible consequences. The down as well as the upsides. Because there are plenty of, I presume, older women on here who don't seem to have.

DH and I work for the same company and we both keep pushing for parental leave rather than the current policies. They have changed their paternity leave policy and he's now able to be off for 6 weeks this time as opposed to 4 weeks when our son was born. Small victories.