Mil threads

It depends on the mil some generation wise believe that because they always had to default to their parents as did their parents that todays adults should and todays adults don’t want to. Thats one tick towards a crazy mil. Shes mad now its her turn there isn’t a turn.

I normally rant about generational comments, but this one does make a valid point.
My relationship with my mother would NEVER have been like the ones between my DC and me.
Although I hope I've survived not being considered the family matriarch

I think if someone got on with their mil they would not find their partners attractive, it seems sport to hate mil

I don't think that has to be true that for every 'Evil MiL' there has to be a 'difficult DiL'. It could be that there isn't a DH that will stick up for his wife, or a DH that doesn't understand about acceptable boundaries (doesn't see anything wrong with his mother walking in to his home (the one he has with his wife) or having a key to this home and dropping in whenever it suits MiL for example. That's not being a 'Difficult DiL' - that's being a DiL that has reasonable boundaries and they are being trampled on.
This is one situation that I don't think fits the 'for every action there is an equal but opposite reaction' theory. PiL's can be absolutely batshit crazy when it comes to their children/grandkids.

I have been blessed with lovely in-laws but I do feel that some people manage to draw the short straw when it comes to their in-laws.

Two sides to every story. For every "evil mil" there will be a "difficult dil". I get on with my mil in fine (she has her faults as do we all) my sister in law can't stand her ( no real reason just a clad of personality and communication problems)

I think many women struggle when their sons grow away from them, find a partner, have children. They feel their special role has been usurped and many try to cling on to a level of control that the younger woman just won't accept (and why would she?). They also have unrealistic expectations about how involved their DIL should be with them. My MIL is like this and I have friends who have the same issues with their MILs.

What has raised my eyebrows on MN is the number of MILs who go frankly bonkers when a baby arrives - insist on alone time, try to stop the mother breastfeeding, demand sleepovers from day one. I have never encountered this level of batshit in real life across quite a wide circle of friends and colleagues.

I have adult daughters, I'm a MIL and a doting granny. I get on really well with my SIL as I have no expectations of him other than to be a good husband to my daughter and good father to my grandchildren.

I think it’s due to the dynamics changing, it’s why I’m actively aware there is an issue and with two little boys currently I’m hoping to avoid it all.
from the moment those little baby boys were born, they have been the very centre of Mums world, even as they grow, they always come back to their mum, for advice, for help for everything.
Then some girl comes along who “takes” that little boy and he no longer comes to Mum for advice, because “Jenny” does it better. Mum is no longer needed, so she feels hurt and pushed out, even if she doesn’t realise it.
So she lashes out at the “reason” which is obviously her Sons new girlfriend/wife, even if it’s subconscious.
I think it’s the changing dynamics of a son who no longer needs his mum for everything that makes them a little bit insane sometimes.

A lot of us abused kids worked damn hard to become who we are DESPITE our parents and the idea that they deserve credit for who we became adds insult to injury.

DH is an only child so definitely not!

Are you sure we don’t have the same MIL…

My DDs paternal grandmother is a nasty, controlling, spiteful woman who dresses it all up as care and concern. She was wonderful to me while I towed the party line, but on the rare occasions I didn't (expecting to examine my bank account to see if I could contribute more to her sons home, which I had no share of) she turned. Her son is a spineless, abusive man, whose mother controls his finances and life even now he is remarried, who has badmouthed me and my DD to the rest of the family so extensively they all treat her like an outcast. I thought it was me, that I was hard work, or not trying enough, and it caused me a lot of distress at the time.

My MiL now is one of my best friends. I love her to pieces. She is kind, hilarious, principled, a bit difficult sometimes but never, ever with me, and always on my side. It helps that her son is a decent hardworking man who loves us all, but I was so scared of meeting her and being negatively affected by another involved mum. Ten years later and I spend more time with her than with my own DM. I realise it was never me, and original nan is now reaping the rewards of her behaviour with almost everyone she knows.

Well, I’m fairly sure she’s ND herself, as are all of her family in various ways! Of course it wasn’t a thing when she was growing up in the 1950s.

My MiL is hard work & we paying the costs with therapy for my husband due to her controlling behaviour!

When I met my husband he was NC with her. I couldn’t understand why any one would go NC with family and they reconnected.

Nearly 2 years ago I went NC - after 20 years of me trying I had to step back.

My husband still has a relationship with his Mum, he is an only child and holds a huge amount of guilt - he is still having therapy. I won’t ever ask him to choose us over her.

Doesn’t help that I wasn’t the DIL she wanted - apparently a 1940 housewife who should have known her place.

I hope I’m nothing like her! My daughter boyfriend mum has been lovely to my daughter and welcomed her completely (which was a relief!)

My ex MIL was the Hyacinth Bouquet type. Had standard w/c upbringing, inherited some money via her husband then turned into world's biggest snob. Tried to control everything we did/spent money on and mummy's boy went along with it. When she started on me becoming more like a "proper wife" I left.

MIL1 was mental and spiteful. Thought “mothers with children who work, are basically child abusers”. Was jealous about me being a qualified nurse. Interfering and smothering e.g. wanting to come to stay for 3 weeks etc

MIL2 pleasant and dotes on our children which is lovely. Has over stepped ever so slightly a few times. But my husband doesn’t mind setting her straight

You are extremely lucky op, my Mil was the reason I found mn about 13 years ago.
I googled I something like "why is my Mil so horrible to me when I've just had a baby" or " why is my Mil trying to break up my marriage" and mumsnet threads came up.

It's been like a therapy on here, talking to others with similar experiences.

Me = her

Fair enough, l wouldn’t be wanting me in my life either. Does she think neurodiversity is made up or is “bad parenting” or nonsense like that?

@ProfessorPeppy my MIL also doesn’t ‘believe’ in my child’s diagnosis. She’s so fucking ignorant on so many levels.

I hope I'm a lovely MIL. They seem to treat me as though I am and it's never been a struggle to accept my darling DIL - she makes my son so happy (even after 20yrs) so how can I not love her! My sister, however, used to be the MIL from hell (admittedly he'd 'married his mother' - strong-willed, opinionated, a real drama llama) and I warned her that, unless she backed off, she'd lose her son as most men will choose wife over mother. She listened, changed her behaviour towards them both and now, superficially at least, peace has been declared!

Always makes me really happy to see people with nice MILs

had I married my ex bf I would’ve had the best MIL. However, that’s no reason to marry someone

my MIL is a narcissist, stuck up cow unfortunately. Who thinks her DILs aren’t good enough for her boys and has said just that. Think she wanted to marry her boys herself.
them leaving home has caused her to worry about her sons wellbeing’s all of a sudden even though she never showed them any love or sympathy throughout their lives.

very very bizarre.

it used to break my heart that I didn’t have a good Mil. But I know it’s not me, it’s her. So I’m over it.

It’s not a label, though. ADHD is a medical diagnosis. I have to hide his meds when she comes over. I can’t think of another medical condition she’d be ‘against’.

It's different before you get married to their sons. You're prepared to tolerate a certain amount before you've committed. It's only after the wedding that you realise the shitshow you've got yourself into!

I can understand why some people don’t like “labels”. That generation a can be of the “ lot of stuff and nonsense” mindset. Or do you mean she won’t tolerate their personality?

There is so much wrong with that statement.

Maybe there are more MIL threads on here than FIL/BIL/SIL/mum/dad etc but that's probably because a disproportionate amount of people here are/have been parents with young children which grandmothers tend to be more involved with, potentially causing more strife. For sure there are lots of relationship threads on other ILs/siblings/parents though. The sad fact is lots of people are annoying, batshit, or rude, not just MILs.