To think I'm absolute shit at raising girls?

I just cannot get my head around why people allow children to speak to them like this.

Why are you in my room without my permission is breathtakingly rude. In this house it would have prompted a stern warning about watching your tone and an equally stern reminder that I will not be spoken to like that - and if an (unprompted) apology was not quickly forthcoming there'd have been a follow up punishment.

If you allow your dc to speak to you and treat you like shit from a young age, the behaviour is reinforced and normalised - the fallout of that's on you.

Try not to rise to it, I'm off go nanas, oh ok then I'll miss you , (get nana on board to tell her to be polite to you and back you up) if she says you annoy her, just say well I think you are great. But do not tolerate rudeness, but stay calm and don't say anything hurtful to her. Obviously she's testing her boundaries and would only be able to do that in a safe space , so ride through it, keep offering for her to do things with you but if she refuses just say ok and walk away.

Relax, stop trying to say the right thing, just be you, be the best parent you can be. Try to understand her, but don’t fall for her nonsense, you are her parent not her best friend.

Exactly, nip rudeness in the bud straight away. Hormones are not an excuse for being an arrogant, rude little madam. Yes, I had a daughter, too, now in her 30s.

Why are you pussyfooting around her? Why did you say “I’m not doing anything” in response to her saying you’re not like a real mum and her nan is? Why not ask her what she means by that? Same for her saying about her bedroom- tell her it’s your house and she can start treating you with respect. Communication needs two-way effort and respect and it sounds like yours is badly lacking. Be more assertive but also speak to her and find out what is important to her and what she wants.

My DS became like this when he turned 12. He’s only 13 so no end in sight yet 😂. I hope he comes back to me when he’s older too!

There's a brilliant book called Untangled by Lisa Damour - you might like me read it having several "aha" moments

Saying that the call didn't go as planned - even if you meant well - sounds like you're being sarcastic.
Do you speak quite bluntly as a general rule? Maybe it's coming off as harsh to your more sensitive children.

She replied "Why are you in my room without permission?"

"Because it's my house, I do not need your permission or anyone else's, and you will watch your tongue."

Realise this unlikely to help. But would be sorely tempting.

Just ignore her. You obviously have rude DD. At 10, she’s old enough to know better. She needs her nan to sit her down and tell her to be pleasant. Good that she knows some biology though. Take that as a win. I would start by finding out what she really wants. She’s obviously starting puberty so you’ve got years of this. Do others like her? Or do others ignore her too? Draw up a contract. You do x and she agrees to y.

in my experience girls are awful from around 12-18 particularly to mothers. mine were horrible to me - i can (almost) smile about it now. they are now 26 and 28 and are wonderful. the eldest rings me every week and is on the phone for at least a hour and half. i think she said 2 sentences to me a week maximum during her teenage years. it’s not you it’s them. and they will come back to you - pretty much guarantee it. be strong!

I dunno, my 9YO DS can be a stroppy git like this sometimes. He likes his dad better and my existence is an embarrassment to humanity it seems.

Boys are much easier than girls. It's not you, it's them! They will get over it.