To think I'm absolute shit at raising girls?

Stop trying to be her friend and start being her parent. So what if she gets upset when you correct her? All children do, to one extent or another. STOP walking on eggshells.

And investigate you MIL a little further. If my older child said not to leave her younger sibling with a grandparent, I would be asking a few more questions.

You are under-reacting to keep the peace, when keeping the peace isn't your job. Setting firm behavior boundaries is your job, so do it.

It's a little confusing, but I see that you've posted a lot about your DDs and wider family issues.

Your husband isn't your oldest DDs father is that right? (I don't know about the youngest) There was also some trauma in your oldest DDs life. I note that you mentioned back in January that you sought therapy for your oldest DD and it was recommended that your DH put in place some firm boundaries, but he didn't. Has all of this affected your youngest DD? Is that what she's trying to tell you?

In all honesty, I think you may need to seek some sort of counselling yourself as there's a lot gone on. You're obviously struggling a lot with unpacking it all as you've asked for advice a lot on MN. I also note that you say you and your DH almost divorced.

It all sounds very complicated, and perhaps some deep rooted issues have never truly been addressed. The meddling with your MIL really hasn't helped either as she has systematically tried to undermine you.

Boundaries are a recurring theme.

I have different roles because my husband has taken on different roles. And he's not going to change. I've talked to him and he feels very strongly that the world doesn't give second chances to me, which I argued with but he's not going to change.

This really doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic.
He said the world doesn't give second chances to me - meaning you? That sounds very controlling. It sounds like you don't know whether you're coming or going and I'm not surprised.

I don't know why you would be 'good cop' with your sons and 'bad cop' with your daughters. Why is there a difference? There shouldn't be a difference. You shouldn't favour boys. It honestly sounds like some sort of internalised misogyny.

As a PP says, you really need to listen regarding why one of your DDs says she wants to live with her Nan, and what a 'real Mum' looks like to her.

Instead of saying 'I'm not even doing anything' you need to find out why she's saying she wants to live with her nan and really listen. This is something she's telling you repeatedly so have a proper talk with her about it that won't descend into petty squabbles. She's trying to communicate something and you're not taking the hint.

You need to find out what your daughter thinks a real mum should be like. Maybe she thinks you work too much or something like that? So you need to then have a discussion about why it's necessary for you to go to work and agree to carve out some 1-1 time together at the weekend. Not saying it is that but find out what's troubling her - discuss it together - find a solution that works for both of you.

Don't put up with that cheek. It is not ok and not doing any favours. She can say "i dont want to talk just now." Or "I need some space" not "what are you doing in my room?" Or "i wish i lived with nana"

Tell her it is not acceptable and warn her of a consequence if she keeps it up. Usually i confiscate phone or ban tv.

Growing up is hard and they will be cheekier to mum but your dd is going too far.

I too think you need to be a little more assertive! I would absolutely agree that she can move out and ask if she needs a hand! Hug her, tell her you love her that she needs to ditch the attitude when speaking to you. It’s okay to be tough and loving. Pull her up, but also tons of positive praise and appreciation. It’s shit being a teen. Especially these days. I cut my teens plenty of slack tbh. I don’t want to add to the pressure but I won’t stand for rudeness.

As you have seen from this thread and your MIL, so many people will project their parenting advice (demands) onto you. This is your first boundary. You know what you are doing and you love your DD you just need your DH to back you up and you need to find strategies to manage behaviours that are not ok. I really don’t think coming down on kids like an angry headteacher is the way to go though. Some of the books advised are a good idea

I think this is true and you really need to choose your battles. Everyone
ia saying you need to be tougher on her and not let her speak to you like that. But I’m guessing you know that if you react in a certain way it will just escalate? And that makes things worse.

It’s a fine line and quite exhausting.
I would recommend the book that was mentioned and as much reading around the subject as you can.

Something l read that resonated with me was that when teenagers act awful (I know yours is pre-teen) it’s because they are feeling awful. So communication (and not going in to battle with them) is key.

Pushing you away is a very important part of them growing up. This is how it unfortunately manifests. Choose your battles and try and think long term - you want to preserve your relationship for when they are out the other side and come back to you. Not spend years arguing over every little thing

Don’t take it personally and find other things to focus on.

Not sure if I'm right but to me jt sounds like you had such a difficult time with your eldest that your walking on egg shells with your youngest so you don't have the same experience and she's using it against you?
Don't be scared to put your foot down, she doesn't have a right to treat you with disrespect.

And people wonder why boys grow up and don’t stay in contact.

i can’t believe people still buy into this boys need food and exercise, Girls are manipulative little bitches crap.

it sound like these kids are being parented according to expectations of their gender, rather than according to what they actually need. And o/p and her dh are exacerbating that parenting by gender, girls are hers, boys are his.

You HAVE to learn to tune shit out for the sake of your sanity!

Single mum of 3 girls - now aged 21,19 and 15 - you will go mad if you try and argue and sense into them at the moment of uber strop - just walk away (or drive away in the case of dd3 - aged 12 who was hanging on to my legs and refusing to get out of my room - she had find my phone and walked to where I had parked to continue the argument!)

They are determined little demons and want the last word - in my time I have:

• Been accused of financial abuse because their dad paid maintenance and we got tax credits but they didn't have money or a lavish lifestyle (you know because of the mortgage, council tax, food, heating, water for their many many baths, car to drive them round in) apparently I was hoarding money for myself!
• Has my house trashed by the eldest (ND) in meltdowns - doors off hinges, smashed plates, threat of violence
• Endlessly told their dads partner was a waaaayyyyy better mum/cook/human being
• Oddly DD1 once told me the house 'smelt like a council house' the twat!
• Been screamed at, called every name under the sun
• Had school refusal, any help or support often met with an accusation that I was trying to run their lives
• Heard repeatedly how X,Y,Z's mum lets them do this or that and their house is much nicer, they are better parents etc.

I could go on - the things is, you wait for the storm to pass and then calmly have the talk! Don't try and negotiate/calm them down in the eye of the storm - also don't escalate it - which you did by mentioning the phone call - if they have stormed off to their room - be fucking happy - they have gone!

I have an amazing relationship with my eldest - who are now at Uni and DD3 is getting there - we have the odd moody door slam but it's okay now.

They love you - you love them - but you don't always like them - it will pass

I think you need to sit down and have a long, hard think about the boy/ girl issue in the family.

Boys are easier than girls?
DH is hard on the boys "because they are boys"?

What is going on here?

There's clearly a sex-based adversarial element to your parenting approaches that is having an effect on the relationships within the family.

Yes - sarcasm never ends well.

Why does a 10 year old DD even know it’s an option to move in with her granny. My mum and I had roaring fights growing up and never did it enter my mind that it might be an option to move in with my grandparents.

You and DH need to sit down with eldest daughter, find out why MIL made her resent you during teenage years, and then come to an agreement on parenting and consequences for 10 year old. You’ve got a long road ahead of you if she’s only 10 and you’re already looking for advice online about her, best off doing something about it ASAP.

You and your Dh sound like you aren’t working as a team to me, you are both parenting the kids in different ways.

Hold on, the problem with pulling the ‘it’s my house’ card is that you are saying to the child they have no privacy or safe space of their own and it’s your right to invade it whenever you choose. This is not the way to go about gaining mutual respect tbh. Reacting angrily just continues the disrespectful cycle ‘you don’t respect me so I don’t respect you’ also all it teaches them is to be mean when things aren’t going their way. People should be modelling being able to keep their temper even when it’s really hard. This is how kids learn to regulate their emotions

You’re being way too passive and she’s probably picking up on it. You shouldn’t be too harsh but you should definitely tell her ‘we don’t speak to people like that, it’s nasty, I wouldn’t speak to you like that’ instead of just letting her say things without any comeback. She’s learning that behaviour from somewhere.

Well this is pretty much exactly what I would say to my son if he said something like this to me and I’d call him out on his lack of respect and the way he was talking to me.