Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm absolute shit at raising girls?

115 replies

Mastmw7g · 06/05/2024 09:52

My oldest daughter was such a challenge. We have a good relationship now, but I still upset her easily if I'm not careful what I say. My youngest daughter is only 10 and regularly tells me she wants to move in with her nan, who she says is like a real mother unlike me. I protested that I wasn't even doing anything and she started listing off the things I was doing: sitting, breathing, existing, growing hair, making blood cells. She tried to call her nan after that and she didn't feel up to a call and my FIL said to call tomorrow. The door was open so I popped my head in and said I was sorry her call hadn't gone how she wanted. She replied "Why are you in my room without permission?" DH asked what I did to her. I don't know! I'm trying, but I must be doing it wrong. My boys are so easy.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Hoglet70 · 13/05/2024 20:40

ABwithAnItch · 10/05/2024 05:03

You sound like a complete narcissist referring to daughters as ‘them’ and saying ‘they will get over it’. Narcissists also love to gaslight: ‘it was lighthearted’. ‘What an overreaction’
Yeah, ok.

Show quote history

Vile was an overreaction 😂Oh I do love the mad people on Mumsnet!

ABwithAnItch · 10/05/2024 13:53

loropianalover · 10/05/2024 13:19

A b with an itch you surely are 🤣 major projection, nothing the other poster said was ‘vile’ or indicative of ‘narcissism’.

Show quote history

Oh I didn’t realize we had an expert in the forum. Thanks for correcting me, I surely feel so silly now.

FFS what a simpleton.

Kit456 · 10/05/2024 13:37

I have boys and girls. Both have their moments. DD behaviour was bad when she was being bullied by a close friend. It has all come out recently and she's already looking a bit happier now she's set some boundaries and knows we are supporting her. She still has her moments and the phone is banned when she is rude. She falls short with "tone" and seems to struggle with this.

From the start I've always knocked on the kids doors before I go in. I do this to model good behaviour and show respect. I call them out when they aren't polite. I get them to do chores as well. They get treats for very good behaviour and doing something good. I've had to be really patient since they all turned 9. Bite my tongue a lot, pick my battles, rinse and repeat with consequences and reasoning. We will get there. Keep the faith and all that.

We do have some issues with in laws being divisive but this is offset by them losing interest, so they aren't there long enough to have any negative effect or undo my parenting.

loropianalover · 10/05/2024 13:19

ABwithAnItch · 10/05/2024 05:03

You sound like a complete narcissist referring to daughters as ‘them’ and saying ‘they will get over it’. Narcissists also love to gaslight: ‘it was lighthearted’. ‘What an overreaction’
Yeah, ok.

Show quote history

A b with an itch you surely are 🤣 major projection, nothing the other poster said was ‘vile’ or indicative of ‘narcissism’.

ABwithAnItch · 10/05/2024 05:03

Hoglet70 · 09/05/2024 21:16

Why's it vile? It was a lighthearted comment designed to make OP feel better. In my experience boys are easier!

Show quote history

You sound like a complete narcissist referring to daughters as ‘them’ and saying ‘they will get over it’. Narcissists also love to gaslight: ‘it was lighthearted’. ‘What an overreaction’
Yeah, ok.

CurlewKate · 09/05/2024 22:00

Sounds like you need to recalibrate a bit. Start, in my opinion, by not going into her room without permission! Think about what triggers problems. Talk to her grandmother- see if she has insights. When things are calm, ask your dd what she wants from you. Just listen- don't defend yourself. See what she has to say.

Hoglet70 · 09/05/2024 21:43

It's my opinion, not universality. This is Mumsnet, not a court of law. Hardly a silly comment either just because you disagree! If we all had the same opinion and experience life would be incredibly boring. I got lots of 'thanks' for my comment so evidently lots of people read it exactly the way I intended it so I 'm happy 😁

AllPrincessAnneshorses · 09/05/2024 21:40

Hoglet70 · 09/05/2024 21:16

Why's it vile? It was a lighthearted comment designed to make OP feel better. In my experience boys are easier!

Show quote history

And in mine they are indescribably difficult. But I don't claim universality. Not vile, that was an overreaction, but very silly.

AllPrincessAnneshorses · 09/05/2024 21:38

Hoglet70 · 06/05/2024 10:03

Boys are much easier than girls. It's not you, it's them! They will get over it.

They really aren't

Hoglet70 · 09/05/2024 21:16

ABwithAnItch · 09/05/2024 11:59

what are vile comment to make. Why?? I’ve seen both sides. One gender is not easier to raise than another.

Edited
Show quote history

Why's it vile? It was a lighthearted comment designed to make OP feel better. In my experience boys are easier!

ABwithAnItch · 09/05/2024 11:59

Hoglet70 · 06/05/2024 10:03

Boys are much easier than girls. It's not you, it's them! They will get over it.

what are vile comment to make. Why?? I’ve seen both sides. One gender is not easier to raise than another.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 09/05/2024 11:56

@Eviebeans The children visit in the summers. My daughter has called three times this week. MIL handled two of the calls and FIL handled the one where MIL wanted to sleep early. Groceries just arrived that they ordered for the children, filled with treats. So they do make well-meaning attempts at having relationships with their grandchildren despite not living close.

OP posts:
Eviebeans · 09/05/2024 11:35

How much time does she actually spend with her nan?
I notice that the nan didn’t even feel able to take a call from her (and set a very firm boundary by getting FIL to take the call) let alone for her to move in and live full time.
It could be time to gently but firmly set your boundaries. It’s not always a negative as it can make the child feel more secure.
make sure that it’s not always dad who is offering the nice stuff - change it up a bit

Icannoteven · 09/05/2024 11:31

It’s not you. 10 year old girls are just like this. Our house is quite stressful at the moment because my 10 year old is irritated my everything everyone else does, however reasonable or mundane. She seems to express most of her irritation at me.

I don’t know what it is. Hormones? Some sort of break for independence/Distance from the family? I dunno. Just know it’s not personal, hope it will pass and tell her to stop being so rude 😬

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 09/05/2024 11:20

Eviebeans · 09/05/2024 11:16

How many children do you have and what ages? Is she the only girl or the youngest child?

Four children ages 21, 12, 10, and 6. She's not the only girl or the youngest.

OP posts:
Yellowhammer09 · 09/05/2024 11:18

I was an awful 10 year old, constantly throwing tantrums and probably saying some mean things to my mum.

She would have none of it, and would nip that in the bud. We went on to have a good relationship throughout my teen years and beyond.

Eviebeans · 09/05/2024 11:16

How many children do you have and what ages? Is she the only girl or the youngest child?

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 09/05/2024 11:08

AllCatsAreAutistic · 07/05/2024 16:13

Why are you so desperate for your daughter's approval? Being disliked some of the time is part of being a parent, unless you are trying so hard to be their friend that you become ineffective as a parent. And you don't need anyone's permission to be in any room in your own house, unless you have a lodger who is paying you rent.

Edited

I don't think I'm desperate for her approval. She's very sensitive and I risk her shutting down depending on what I say. And I've been more mindful to knock even when her door is open. She's obviously looking for privacy.

OP posts:
Daisybuttercup12345 · 07/05/2024 21:41

Your room but MY house.
I'd be clamping down on her or you will have a rough time ahead.

AllCatsAreAutistic · 07/05/2024 16:13

Why are you so desperate for your daughter's approval? Being disliked some of the time is part of being a parent, unless you are trying so hard to be their friend that you become ineffective as a parent. And you don't need anyone's permission to be in any room in your own house, unless you have a lodger who is paying you rent.

Runningbird43 · 07/05/2024 15:00

BabyRaindeer · 07/05/2024 14:12

I'm with you. My first was a boy and he is so so easy. Second a girl, and my God, it's flaming hard work. Cannot do right for wrong, even though she could not work without my help

My first was so so easy.

my second is hard work.

why do you assume it’s sex, and not birth order, or simple personality that makes one easy and one not?

mine are both the same sex btw. So how is. being easy/hard work due to their sex?

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 07/05/2024 14:23

BumpyaDaisyevna · 07/05/2024 14:10

It's not "bad cop" though.

It's "appropriate, firm, adult cop".

You seem to think either you tiptoe around them, or you have to be bad to them.

Setting some appropriate boundaries and insisting on respect is being good to them.

Show quote history

No, I didn't say it was what I thought. I said it was pointed out to me. It resonated with me because I do not parent alone. It makes sense that my husband's parenting affects how the kids behave.

OP posts:
BabyRaindeer · 07/05/2024 14:12

I'm with you. My first was a boy and he is so so easy. Second a girl, and my God, it's flaming hard work. Cannot do right for wrong, even though she could not work without my help

BumpyaDaisyevna · 07/05/2024 14:10

Mastmw7g · 07/05/2024 12:49

I don't think boys are easier than girls. I said my boys are so easy. It was pointed out to me that I'm the good cop with my sons, but I suppose I'm the bad cop with my daughters and I'm not very good at that role. So I need to work on my bad cop vibe.

Show quote history

It's not "bad cop" though.

It's "appropriate, firm, adult cop".

You seem to think either you tiptoe around them, or you have to be bad to them.

Setting some appropriate boundaries and insisting on respect is being good to them.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 07/05/2024 14:03

@RainbowZebraWarrior I have counseling. I actually don't find it very helpful. A great deal has improved in the time since I sought counseling, but I wouldn't credit the work I've done with making the difference. I do feel less anxious, but I have less circumstances causing anxiety.

OP posts: