To think he should wait up for ds

You can’t tell your ex how to parent his child. You have different parenting approaches; he has to respect yours and you have to respect his.

OP I'm amazed and amused at the comments you've had about 'gangs'. It's called a peer group! Why on earth wouldn't your DS hang out with his mates? Mine did, and I always felt he was safer and happier for it.

Yes, 100%, I would wait up. And expect his dad to do the same. But it's not going to happen. So all you can do is agree with DS to let you know when he's safe home - if he's willing to do so. If not there's not much you can do.

You're definitely not being unreasonable. I wait up for mine when they're out and have my phone at full volume and my alarm set to go off every half hour in case I doze.

Parenting isn't a part time occupation, it's 24 hours a day every day of your life. Your ex other half needs to step up and be a proper dad

You can’t insist your ex stays up past midnight because you’re anxious.

I understand. When mine were out late, I’d go to bed but I didn’t really sleep properly until I heard them come in. But I think they’d have been narked if they’d got in to find me waiting up for them.

Worrying discreetly is part of loosening the reins. You’ve only your son’s word that your ex is actually asleep rather than lying in bed listening out for the front door opening before he can relax properly.

You & ex clearly have different parenting styles & you cant insist he stays up until DS gets home. - ask DS to text you when he gets in?

My son is the same age. Unless he’s doing something in particular he has to be home by 10.30 at the latest. It’s not a problem as his mates have similar curfews. My daughter is 18 and has recently started going clubbing. She has no curfew obviously but I never go to sleep until she’s home . She always says my location is on mum please don’t worry and don’t stay up but I just can’t go to sleep until I hear her key in the door.

Hmm at 17 my DS was working (apprenticeship) and had found a local pub which served him. He certainly wouldn't have been hanging around in the park in the evening but would regularly stay at the pub until closing time - or sometimes sleep over at a friend's or his girlfriend's. He wouldn't have stayed out all night without letting me know though - so if he had gone to the pub I knew he would return early hours. Afraid I used to go to bed . Always had my phone on so I could be contacted if need be - and as a light sleeper with a weak bladder I would always be up in the night - so I guess if he hadn't returned by eg 2/3 then I guess I would have headed out to look for him - but that would have been the same if I had sat up. Perhaps it's different if you are a deep sleeper, I imagine that most parents with teenagers out late are sleeping fairly lightly .

When is he 18 ?

Do you really think he is playing football - In England right now it is dark by 9 pm...

OP I would 1000% be like you and wait up, and I'd want to punch the ex in the throat for not doing the same but when I think sensibly and not emotionally, he really doesn't need to be waiting up.

Your son is 18 next birthday and will be a fully fledged adult able to do what he wants - I was living in uni halls after my first girls holiday to Malia at 18, so I think you need to sort of accept that this is a little bit of apron string cutting right now.

For what it's worth, your son sounds like a lovely, sensible lad and the area you live seems to be safe, so try to take this into account.

Again, I just know I'll be exactly like you and waiting up until daft o'clock at any age for my babies, but it doesn't mean that everyone should feel the way we do. This post hurts my heart I dread them getting older! You're a lovely mum ❤️

People are picking up on the hanging around in parks.

OP you are worried about your son being attacked or similar.

Others are worried because having large numbers of male late teens hanging round in parks is intimidating to others.

Curfews at age 17 are generally quite late but most parents wouldn't be ok with their kid just "hanging around". It usually means getting into trouble hassling other people and generally being a nuisance.

I didn’t have a curfew or wait up for mine. I did feel unsettled when he was that age and hadn’t come home but quite frankly I was too tired to stay up waiting for him. I made contact via text and asked what time he was coming back for peace of mind if I hadn’t heard. Often he would stay over if it was a party. He did get better at letting me know his plans so that I didn’t worry.

At 17 I had a BF and we used to go the local pub in his small town (he was in the year above me) and we'd stay at his house. His parents were never up when we got home. We weren't 'wondering the streets' but we could have been, no-one would have known. I can understand why this is hard but the fact that he picks up the phone when you call him at 1am and he doesn't drink would give me comfort. Forget the ex, your son sounds like a good kid :-)

I don’t think you can set rules and expectations for a 17 year old when they are at their other parent’s house. How would you feel if your ex tried to tell you what to do and how to parent?

Does your son work or is he at college? I think midnight is far too late to be having him out the house regularly, unless this is at weekends only. I still wouldn’t want my son walking home and although I’m a woman, my mum and now husband wouldn’t want me walking around late at night - they would pick me up.

I very much doubt anyone is playing football at midnight, in the dark. Are there any houses nearby as if you could hear his friends on the call, I wouldn’t want to be living locally and having youths on there that late. At least at someone’s house, they’re not disturbing anyone else.

He’s 17 so perhaps it’s time to loosen the apron strings a bit, especially on the nights he’s with his Dad and therefore is his responsibility, not yours. I can’t remember what age we stopped waiting up for DS but I’m sure it was about 16. However we did have a system in that he had to fully shut 2 doors that I left open. I’m up a lot in the night and I never once got up after 1am to find the doors still open. We’re in Scotland so DS moved out and went to uni at 17 where we had no idea where he was or what he was doing.

It's just I don't like the thought that if something did happen, however unlikely that is, it wouldn't even be noticed that anything was wrong for hours.

But, if something happened at 7pm, you wouldn't know anything was wrong for 5 hours either (if he and all his mates were somehow suddenly unable to use any of their phones) . as to what the difference is.

I didn't wait up for mine.

Having said that they frequently all slept over at the house of the person having the party.

This does tend to be something that divides people. Some people get very worried about members of their household being out late and insist on waiting up for them. Others don't.

If he did get attacked or whatever the police are more likely to be of use than you. And if he doesn't come back one night what are you going to do?

If you ring around his friends at 3am you'll look like an idiot and he'll be horrendously embarrassed.

And what if he's decided to stay the night with a girl he has met and you're ringing his mobile constantly?

This was my first thought, too.

I never had a specific curfew for mine, but they had to be somewhere / doing something.

If you are happy for your teenager to be roaming the streets / hanging out in parks with his mates until midnight, then I can't see that what he is allowed to do when he is at his Dad's is that much worse.

I don’t like the ‘hanging around’ the park thing, but if he must do it, can your son not just text you and let you know that he is ok.

I never had a curfew for my teenagers because they were at friends houses.
If I thought they were just hanging around streets and parks I would have encouraged them to meet up earlier or friends come to our home or your partners home.

Doesn’t matter a hoot what other people think so long as the group aren’t being offensive.