AIBU to think my Mum should want to see me married?

Sympathies OP. I’m planning to get married next year and how my parents will be is a huge fear.

We were at a big family gathering ; siblings, half siblings, step siblings, elderly aunts and uncles etc, and my father was at one end of the garden bitching about my step mother that he had divorced thirty years earlier, and she was at the other end bitching about him. I asked him to stop as we were all sick of hearing it and said the same to her. Funnily enough, they did both stop.
But if your mother takes pride in behaving badly and hides behind drink then she’s never going to put you first.

Well if I'd forked out financially for an event, I'd be extremely pissed off not to be invited so you're the weird one with that line of thinking

I had exactly this situation with MIL and FIL. DH and I decided that both would be invited to all family events, both would be informed that the other was invited, and neither of us was listening to complaints, huffiness, etc.

At one point MIL was informed by DH that if she made one more nasty comment about FIL in our dc's presence she would never see dc again. She stopped immediately. Boundaries are a very good thing.

You and DH decide what your rule is going to be, make sure both warring parties are informed of it, and then just refuse to listen to bitching and complaints.

We had a small wedding. Both my parents came as did their partners. My husband's first MiL came too.

It was all very calm and pleasant because everyone involved was a grown up.

If your mum can't be a grown up, she doesn't get to come to the wedding.

If you are having a big church wedding she should be able to go and at least attend the ceremony, pictures etc. Then leave . So no danger in talking to ex. I hate my ex but I love my DCs more.

Simply not true - see for example wedding of Boris Johnson and Carrie Symonds

Not necessarily. It's at the discretion of the local church (not sure whether it's priest or bishop). My BIL has his second marriage in a Catholic church, after his first was in a registry office

You can apply for an annulment (of the first marriage) at the church and get re-married. Church annulment isn’t the same as the legal one by the way

Where were you married before OP?
Even if a civil ceremony or other church, you are still a divorcee and can't get married in a Catholic Church

Re your Mum, she needs to suck it up or not come. 31 years?!
Has she had counselling?

This is exactly what happened in my situation. It wasn’t my wedding but mum ranted to anyone who would listen. It got back to the bride from multiple people she’d spoken to and caused a lot of upset for the bride and difficulty with the groom’s entire family. Even now the bride can’t look back on the wedding without this tainting it.

Think long and hard about what you want.

Mine are the same. My mum lives closer than my dad (& is generally around more) so I had her at my graduation. Eloped rather than have a wedding partly due to them. My sibling is planning the same. Sometimes I wonder if they'd come to my funeral if I died before them, or if avoiding each other would be more important!

She’s being a twat.

There’s no reason she can’t come and be civil or just ignore each other.

If she did come would she cause a scene?

Your mum is being completely unreasonable. I’m in the same position as @Sleepychicken - I haven’t married because I know how awful the whole thing would be. My parents have been separated for 15 years and divorced for 10 and it’s baffling to me that my mum couldn’t deal with her bitterness and hostility just for one day, for me. All birthday celebrations and other special occasions have to be done twice, separately because she just will not tolerate him and she makes it completely awful for everyone else if she’s ever in his vicinity. He was a rubbish husband and cheated on her but he wasn’t abusive and he’s a good dad to me. Not much help to you I know but you’re not alone and you have my sympathy.

I think that’s ridiculous from your Mum tbh. When did they divorce, have they never spent time in a room since? My DH is divorced and obviously remarried as is his ex and they go to school events etc together for my DSD and we spend her birthday and part of Christmas together. When you have kids, even adult kids, they come first! Your Mum should suck it up and go, ignoring your Dad if necessary!

Totally unreasonable on her part. My ex and younger partner will be at DDs wedding, so what! Honestly she needs to get over it

Why shouldn't she invite dad?

This exact thing happened to me. She never came (although she went to my siblings wedding a couple of years before with no issues, but she always preferred my sister anyway) and 8 years later, she says she regrets it. Her and dad get along fine, and both spent Xmas together at my house a couple of years later. She gave me an ultimatum to disinvite him, I think to prove I wanted her there more, and I refused to give in to it. (There's no other backstory)
It still makes me really sad to think about, that she could do that to me. It put a bad mark on the day and I hate that I spent a part of the happiest day of my life feeling rejected and humiliated by her. Still.... Better than being controlled. And the day was mostly amazing and she didn't share in that. Sad for her more than me really.
Dh's family and the rest of my family still can't get over it and they think she's awful and selfish and they feel sorry for me (which I hate!)

Sorry this is happening to you too OP. Nothing could make me treat my child the way our mums have... Your day is not all about your mum. This is her loss.

I’m sorry OP. It may be for the best if she can’t be trusted to behave. I’ve been there and it will ruin the memories, not to mention relationships with your new DH and his family.

The Catholic church doesn't really recognise the first marriage if it wasn't a Catholic wedding.

Just say. Ok. Your choice.

You don't have to have a big wedding. It's not too late to say no.