AIBU to think you don't just sign up to a triathlon without checking first?

YaNBU to say he should have discussed it first to make it work around family life and other commitments.

@Nicelynicelyjohnson it's not the same thing is it? The "double standards!!" Schtick only works if the situations are comparable. 15 mins vs large chunks of time and no consultation first. No-one is saying he can't do it, but he should have asked first and they need to work together to figure out timings.

As you have young kids, he is definitely unreasonable for not discussing this with you. One parent can’t just start dedicating 5-10 hours a week to a hobby without it being a family decision.

As others have said, leave the house to study. Studying at home with young children only works if you have a partner dedicated to caring for them fully while you're busy.

Sit down with him to sort out a timetable. You need x hours a week of solo study, he needs y hours a week to train. You need some hobby / social time too.

Then you need family time - so cannot carve up the whole weekend between you. Maybe half a day each at the weekend and a day together as a family.

He's wrong about you being able to study while doing childcare - as he'd know if he spends any time looking after them alone. The idea you could is pure fantasy. So don't entertain the idea for a second. Tell him he's wrong and move the conversation on.

The problem here is that you're clearly default parent. He thinks he can choose when to take part in family life - but that you require his permission for any time off from a 25/7 obligation.

That's what you need to address.

I think sometimes writing it down and making it visual helps
get a planner type of thing mark in your study time first then his training plan
can you study away from the house ?

we need to know the tri distance and his training plan this might not be the disaster everyone is presuming
swimming will be dictated by pool opening times many round here do early bird and you can go at 6 , you can run any time early morning late at night lunchtime

bike can be bit more difficult as may want to do long ride with other people ( the state of the roads and other peoples driving for safety I’d be happier Them not going alone on long rides and suck it up ) but again short ride fit in as and when even use it as commute to work set off touch early and go the long way

anything under Olympic for someone with reasonable fitness is the massive challenge people think and training isn’t excessive

Yes to this!! 👏👏👏

What a selfish twat! I'd say that you signed up for this professional degree first, so that has to come hurt. Then after that, you can talk about their triathlon.

Do they have previous experience that would suggest they can do a triathlon??

And tell them they need to fit in round Family, ie train at the start or end of day, not fuck off in the middle of the day.

Good luck...

But see above. Do you agree with any of OP's points??

When you have 2 small children and are both working FT, all aspects of life have to be negotiated . You DP has dictated this is what he is going to do and you are expected to pick up the slack, so I would have no compunction but to say No (and have done) if we're a family we work together. He's behaving as a single man and that's not on as he has family responsibilities.

So I would be saying to him you train first thing in the morning at the weekend or not at all and you're back by 12noon, when your time for study time kicks in. And yes I would expect him to train in his lunchtimes and later in the evening once the children are in bed. You're studying to better your family's income & prospects, he's training for personal improvement - at the very least these aims are on an equal footing, although you could suggest you need to qualify as clearly the marriage isn't going to last and you need to be able to support yourself.

Hard ball on this one.

Congratulations! I'm in awe of you - what a tremendous achievement!

What on earth was he doing from 10 till 3??

As there wasn't enough info in your op, a lot of the 'support him' answers were based on people assuming you had a healthy, respectful relationship (not sure why, wasn't hard to read between the lines, but whatevs).

Fact is, hes supremely selfish and thinks you're the default parent.

If you don't want to divorce him for whatever reason you have, and he can't understand that if he gets X time off, then you also get X time off, (so add thick and sexist to selfish) then simply go out of the house before he does.

As a slight aside, many people have seen the word 'triathlon' and assumed it's an iron man. Or they simply don't know that many different triathlon distances exist. Starting at a fairly basic 400m/20km/5km which anyone with a fairly basic level of fitness can complete, especially if they're not fussed about their time.,

This absolutely

He was out 10-3, so you still head to a coffee shop 3-8pm. Which leaves him teatime and bedtime. Bet he'll get up and out quicker next time!

Exactly this, my hubby just did the London marathon came in the top 200 and he would be home by the time I got the kettle on in the morning. I was surprised to learn that they don't actually do the marathon distance for training. Sunday's were a longer morning but still done and dusted by brunch, rest of the time didn't even notice he was gone. Some days he had to run twice but did the shorter run in lunch break.

I was also wondering this. Makes a big difference to the training commitment.

What distance is it sprint Olympic 1/2 or full Ironman

This is the only approach that works and is fair.
Not sure how old your kids are but anyone I know who does triathlon or marathons with a family, the majority of training sessions need to take place early in the morning or late in evening, it's not particularly sociable and need to take advantage of using a gym or turbo trainer. Usually pick one day a week where training happens at "peak time" (clashes with bedtime/bathtime), and most really long bike rides (that can take about 6 hours !) need to be when you have a babysitter arranged or a day off.
faffing around til 10am wouldn't be on at all, need to have all the kit ready the day before and head off at 7am. IMO being organised/motivated to fit endurance training around a family & job is much harder than the training itself

Oh man sorry OP your DH is a massive selfish prick.

ok your shoes I would honestly sit down and do the math of splitting up, see how it could work to divorce him, then say ‘it sounds like you want to be single so you can do a trialthon, do you want to be single? If so then we can book a solicitors next week to work it out’.

kick his sorry arse to the kerb. Then he can train every other weekend when he doesn’t have the kids.

Totally fine to have a hobby, totally fine to train for something big, not fine to have this hugely impact on everyone else.

You said you needed to study in the afternoon so he needed to be back to allow you to do that. Tough shit if he left late. I would be absolutely furious at the lack of respect.

My DH signed up for a similar event and I made it very clear that he was doing this in addition to being a father and husband, not instead of. He was not fucking off training in the middle of weekend days nor was he coming home and having a sleep all afternoon. He trained early mornings and took days off for longer all day training.

Sit down with him with a calendar and a cup of coffee. Then say ok can we map out the next month in terms of who is doing what when. Tell him straight you need a certain amount of time for studying without child minding. Ask him when he plans on training. Tell him you need X (x being more than 1) hours a week for your hobby. And then fill in the hours and see what happens.

He can't just say "I'll be training, you'll be fine and you don't need more than an hour a week for yourself"

Who out of you and your partner are currently the "default" parent? If it's them then this might be their way of rebelling.

Op how old are your children?
My partner is training 6 times a week for a big event but I only agreed if they trained in the morning. I still have to get up with the kids 6 times a week but they get up at 430/5 and get the training down.

Would that sort of routine work for you?

there is no limit on the amount of time a hobby can take, it just needs to be mutually agreeable. It’s not selfish to spend 15 hours a week doing a hobby if your OH doesn’t mind (or perhaps actively enjoys the time to themselves).

Not all. I get paid to do mine. I'm in a band. You've just got to choose the right hobby.

But yeah, most aren't but that's why you do them for an hour a week rather than taking up most evenings and weekends. Because that's selfish.