To be told my engagement doesn’t matter?

I might actually find it a little weird if anyone reacted that way, because I trust and appreciate that we are already regarded by everyone as a fully established couple

I agree with this

Onelifeonly · Yesterday 14:00
Well there's no reason for anyone to be dismissive, but after 10 years it's not a revelation, is it? A few years in, yes it is, because it's the first time people may understand how committed you are. Also there may be a sense of, why now, why not earlier if it's such a big deal?

Yes, I agree with this.

OP - of course it's great news for you and I wish you every happiness - don't get me wrong. But I think, in the 21st century, the whole idea of engagements is a bit redundant. You get people co-habiting for well, decades, who claim to be engaged. It used to be a serious public declaration that a marriage would take place soon - weddings used to follow pretty quickly, in a few months, after an engagement in Victorian or even 20th century times. The very long engagements we get now are often to do with the logistics of planning a major Busby Berkeley Hollywood Extravaganza wedding, which wasn't the case in the past.

So I'm not being mean to you, I just think that most of the time when people today say they're engaged, it means something very different from the original meaning of the term and I think we should just do away with it and say "We're getting married next year.

(Cynical old me suspects that half the time it's just another excuse for more fuss, attention-seeking, expensive partying and more gifts!!! ) Last of the old romantics, me!😀

It really isn’t!

congratulations OP x

Whatever your mum thought; she shouldn't have said it.

I had a lovely wedding after 10 years together, people celebrated with us but the important thing is that the two of you are excited by it.
And to be honest I did feel different being married, although nothing literally changed for us.

I agree with your mum.

This. I’m old enough to remember when people didn’t automatically move in together when things got serious, and got engaged after relatively short courtships. Getting engaged was a big deal then. But when you’ve effectively been living as an established couple for a decade, it isn’t really.

Had you announced the wedding date at the same time, you might have got a stronger reaction? As it is, lots of engagements now seem to last for years and years. Could they be thinking it’s a ‘holding pattern’ and nothing will happen for another ten years?

Is it worth getting married when you’ve been together this long?

Is that your way of saying you don’t want an invitation?

No, I'd go through the motions, I'm not a monster. I just don't think it is very interesting or meaningful when a couple is so established that it looks like business as usual when everyone goes home. I'm pleased that they are pleased though.

@Desecratedcoconut I'm not entirely sure where performance comes into it? Is a heartfelt 'congratulations - I'm so happy for you' out of the question depending on the length of a relationship then? Sounds like OP would've appreciated that rather than some of the lukewarm (at best) sentiments or her actual circle. It's that simple easy!

Well, that depends, do you want just want a performance of excitement and support or actual enthusiasm and support? In the former I could throw the figure out to anytime (unless 'support' looked like having to stick my hand in my pocket in a significant way for what amounts to an incredibly expensive party) in the latter, I'd say, it would represent a genuine shift towards a commitment to permenance that is new in the relationship.

Congratulations! 🥂

Last weekend on a hike, he proposed! It was a lovely sunny day and we had some fizz he hid in his bag this is really cute. Enjoy!

My family said similar when we got engaged after 10 years. My Mum said getting married was all a load of shit, whereas my partners family were really excited and sent money.

To be honest, I could see where they were coming from because we had been together so long, and it's past all of that exciting phase but people should absolutely not say it!!!

They should be getting exciting with you, be happy for you and want to help with everything. A really crap reaction from your Mum.

I wish some of my friends would get married to their partners, would be great to celebrate.

Aww it's not an ideal reaction, but my family said similar and I c

Congratulations 🥂

Have you started to think about the wedding? Maybe they think it might be a long drawn out engagement

Similar to when my husband's daughter's partner asked for the daughter's hand in marriage. Baffled husband: "What are you asking me for? You've been living together for years! You have a child together..."

This really made me laugh! I actually have a lot of sympathy for the baffled husband here; norms and expectations have hugely shifted, so it’s not surprising that people feel genuinely puzzled when, having accepted that old fashioned norms are well out of the door, they are then suddenly expecting to return to them for a showpiece event. And I do think that’s what’s happened here, to be honest. If you’ve been together for 10 years, your mum has assumed that marriage isn’t on the cards and you’ve chosen not to do things that way. So she’s a bit discombobulated by your news as she wasn’t expecting it. Give her a bit of time and I’m sure she’ll see your excitement and get a bit more into the spirit of it. Same with your friends.

I can see their POV. It’s clearly not been something that’s a priority over the years, so people are used to you not being married. I should imagine once you actually set the date and start booking everything your dm might be a bit more enthusiastic. Or maybe she just doesn’t like your DP?

Wow some of these replies! When is the cut off point for family and friends to share excitement and enthusiasm for their loved one's engagement news? 🤔 4 years? 5? 9? Did OP miss it by 1 year? Dammit. Showing excitement and support isn't hard no matter the length of a relationship surely?!

I'm wondering if it is the length of time, necessarily. People can be weird about engagements.

I was the opposite end of the spectrum (engaged relatively quickly, not living together, not a long-established couple) and had about the same proportion of lovely v negative comments as you. The latter came from people who weren't happy about where their relationships were.

Don't take it to heart. Congratulations

I’d have said ‘yay’ and gone thorough the motions, but after so long together, it’s a bit daft to be ‘engaged’.

Dsis 1 got married after four years.
Dsis 2 got married after nine years.
Dbro got married at 11 years and a son.
I got married after 6 months!

Parents all equally excited (I think even slightly less so with me as they were worried I was rushing!).

There's no right or wrong amount of time to decided to get married and people who love you should be happy for your happiness even if they secretly (VERY secretly) think it's maybe a wee bit silly many years later!

Well, I'm sorry they knocked the wind out of your sails. Most people could engineer a little enthusiasm in these circumstances. I think after ten years though, they may have assumed it's not a huge priority for you as a couple and wonder why the change of heart?

Congratulations. I'm sorry your moment has been slightly tainted. Your family & friends were a bit rude & unkind.