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Husband doesn't like me to invite DD's friends to house for play dates

86 replies

cellardoorie · 05/05/2024 13:22

My DD is 4 and goes for a school nursery. There are a lot of school events on, where I've met various parents and their children through the school year.

DD has some friends, I have friendly chats with the parents regularly. There have been many birthday parties too etc. it's all seeming quite familiar.

DD goes 5 days a week and often parents ask to do play dates.

Sometimes we go to the park or whatever but sometimes I would just quite like to have play dates at home. I find it more relaxed and I also have a younger DD. It makes it a bit easier all round.

Apart from my H who doesn't want to have people over, ever. I've only hosted one play date with school friends.

We know a couple down the road who also have kids the same age and we've gone to theirs and they've come to ours a few times too. He also gets annoyed about it.

Anyway, I get it that he doesn't want people in the house every weekend. But occasionally it shouldn't be such an issue ? I remember having friends round pretty much constantly as a child and loving it. It was just what we did. Our parents didn't constantly take us out to activities and parks etc. our friends would come or we would go to their houses and just play together.

What does everyone think ? How do you handle a partner who can't be bothered to have people over ? But also doesn't want to go out on play dates much ?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 05/05/2024 14:21

cellardoorie · 05/05/2024 13:30

To be honest, we've not been invited anywhere apart from our local friends, where it is reciprocal but he gets grumpy about it.

His reasoning is that he doesn't want strangers in our house. So even though he gets grumpy about our local friends, he doesn't see them as strangers. So he doesn't mind as much.

I'm just trying to organise a play date for DD with a couple of her friends and I would really like to host, but he'll be annoyed. Makes me sad. It's not like I do it a lot at all.

Do it when he's not there and he doesn't need to worry

Pleatherandlace · 05/05/2024 14:20

I think it’s incredibly important to teach children how to socialise and build friendships. A part of that is hosting people in your home and showing your children that you can build friendships with other adults. I would honestly ignore my husband if he wanted to “ban” me from inviting people round. I don’t won’t my children growing up to be isolated loaners.

gindreams · 05/05/2024 14:19

It's not a safety thing, it's a control thing entirely

Your poor child

LordPercyPercy · 05/05/2024 14:14

I don't love having people in my house either but surely when you have children you tolerate it for their sake?

arethereanyleftatall · 05/05/2024 14:13

This is very very unfair on your child. Very selfish.

ziipidydodah · 05/05/2024 14:10

TheOriginalFrench · 05/05/2024 14:04

What did your husband expect when you decided to have a child together?

Did he really not understand the very basic structures of socialisation for a child? Does he truly want your daughter to grow up isolated and lonely and socially insecure?

I would divorce a man who actively wanted to restrict and limit my child’s quality of life.

Yes, this.

His attitude seems to be that it is his house and therefore he gets to call the shots. Does he realise that 3 other people live in the house and compromises need to be made? What will he be like when the DC are teenagers?

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 05/05/2024 14:07

Honestly, its not his decision. I arrange play datea for my kids, at no point do i ask my husbands permission. It doesn't effect him, ideally he goes out at the time of the play date

TheOriginalFrench · 05/05/2024 14:04

What did your husband expect when you decided to have a child together?

Did he really not understand the very basic structures of socialisation for a child? Does he truly want your daughter to grow up isolated and lonely and socially insecure?

I would divorce a man who actively wanted to restrict and limit my child’s quality of life.

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 05/05/2024 14:02

They are strangers to him. But so is everyone that he hasn’t bothered to get to know. By his reasoning, you’d only ever be able to mix with the people you already know.
Your daughter is allowed friendships and part of forming those friendships is playing together outside school. He’s an adult who can go out if he doesn’t like it. Trying to arrange it when he’s out or giving him notice so he can go out is reasonable. Never hosting your friends or your daughter’s friends because he doesn’t like it is not reasonable.

PassingStranger · 05/05/2024 14:02

FlameTulip · 05/05/2024 13:28

He's being unreasonable- he needs to put DD before himself here. Does he always get the final say if you disagree on something OP?

Exactly, what a misery and selfish.
No thought for anyone else.
Tell him she is having friends over occasionally.

goldenretrievermum5 · 05/05/2024 13:57

Fulshaw · 05/05/2024 13:54

You could point out to him that it’s only for a few years - by about 6/7 the parents don’t come along

They do if like most people you socialise with other parents in your child’s year group

ARichtGoodDram · 05/05/2024 13:55

cellardoorie · 05/05/2024 13:39

Really good point that they're not strangers !

I guess he feels like the parents are strangers do us. But it's so silly because our children are together every day and I see the parents daily too !

So basically he thinks his wishes should trump you and your child having friends around?

Is he generally selfish like that over other things or just this?

Fulshaw · 05/05/2024 13:54

You could point out to him that it’s only for a few years - by about 6/7 the parents don’t come along

Jeannne92 · 05/05/2024 13:51

OP, could your DC invite friends in the week or school holidays? I can understand that your DH prefers not to have guests at the weekend unless exceptional (e.g. a birthday.) However YANBU to want your DD to have some playdates and to reciprocate invitations. Could you invite her friends to a park and bring a picnic and a few toys?

Deadringer · 05/05/2024 13:51

He doesn't have to like it, but it's part and parcel of having dc and them having friends and a social life. I would try keep it to one day of the weekend though, and keep the other day free for just yourselves.

Jeannne92 · 05/05/2024 13:47

DH dislikes having over the kids' friends (and our friends), but it's nice for them so he puts up with it. We live in a small flat, as does everyone round here, and the DC share a room.

Luckily it's not really in the culture here for kids to go to each other's houses; typically they play in the park or sports' ground.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 05/05/2024 13:46

He's being completely unreasonable and, frankly, pretty weird. Why should your dc lose out on playdates because of his strange hang-ups?

TheSandgroper · 05/05/2024 13:46

I had to point out to DH that he needed to get to meet DC’s friends just as much as I did. DC were the children that HE chose to bring into this world, just like I did. Because he was just as much of a parent as I was and many parents (read: mothers) DO NOT like their children having a sleepover where the father is an unknown.

Can’t be arsed is not a good enough excuse.

cellardoorie · 05/05/2024 13:40

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 05/05/2024 13:35

Would he perhaps accept only children visiting?

I think he would prefer that, but I can't expect parents to do that. They don't know us that well yet and the children are only 4.

OP posts:
cellardoorie · 05/05/2024 13:39

Really good point that they're not strangers !

I guess he feels like the parents are strangers do us. But it's so silly because our children are together every day and I see the parents daily too !

OP posts:
goldenretrievermum5 · 05/05/2024 13:35

cellardoorie · 05/05/2024 13:32

He doesn't like strangers in the house. He doesn't know what kind of people they are. It's a bit of a safety thing.

That’s not a safety thing, they are not strangers - they are your DD’s friends. It’s him being controlling and it’s a massive red flag

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 05/05/2024 13:35

Would he perhaps accept only children visiting?

Springchickenonion · 05/05/2024 13:35

The only weekend play dates we have are in our cul de sac with the neighbours. Otherwise the weekend is a no no for us and most in our school circle.

Springchickenonion · 05/05/2024 13:34

My husband doesn't like them too. So we do after school for 1 or 2 hours. But only every now and then. Everyone's entitled to feel comfortable in their home.

Haggisfish3 · 05/05/2024 13:33

My dh was a bit like this. Just cba to have other kids in his house. I left eventually and now kids can have whoever they like round!!

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