Husband doesn't like me to invite DD's friends to house for play dates

I was perhaps wrongly assuming that as OP says she has 'met many school parents throughout the year' that she was there for school pick up .. otherwise how would she be meeting them . ?

The safety argument sounds like an excuse. There is very little risk from a few invited children and a couple of mums. He simply doesn't want it and is putting himself first. I bet he wouldn't like you inviting your friends round either right?

@NorthUtsireSouthUtsire after school play dates only work if one parent isn't working full time. And these days most couples are both in work. Sometimes weekends is all the time that is available.

Thank you, my mistake on not reading back on that. So yes however it may be, one can assume there must be some outdoor space.

Personally I don't think that houses should ever have been made in to flats, especially when they have not been done properly. I wouldn't mind one at a time or a couple if it was for birthday for example.

You need the other kids' parents to stop being "strangers" and become people you know - because in due course your child will be wanting to go to sleepovers and so on, and he'd probably rather they weren't staying with "strangers". That means he has to make the effort to get to know them a little. You actually need to seize the opportunity to do that now, because it will be harder to get to know the parents later, when the children are more independent.

So?....

He doesn't like it. Oh well

We all have stuff in life we don't like being an adult is realising that

Miserable fecker!

This is so bloody weird !

Play dates are an absolute normal part of being a kid BUT why all the stress ?

Your DH doesn't like visitors in the house which is his problem. When you have kids it's just the way it is.

Why the weekends though ? That was always family time when we were growing up and when my kids were also growing up. Weekends you go out with family and do stuff. The park, playground, swimming pool etc with parent/s and perhaps meet friends out.. but weekdays .... 3:30pm come to mine, let's have a cuppa and the kids can play. A couple of hours and sometimes tea. All done and dusted by 6pm and they have left and then DH comes home to house 'stranger free' ....

What on earth could he complain about that. ? What time is he back from work ?

The only exception to that is if you live in a small flat and DH is trying to work from home full time. (Part time arrange for days he is in work)

If he complains about having kids and mum around whilst out at work then you have a controlling and coercive arsehole on your hands and need to start making exit plans or your kids will be completely fucked up.

@Redruby2020 the OP says very clearly that she lives in a house and houses typically have some sort of outdoor space. Her DH just doesn’t want people in the house.

I’m sorry you are living in difficult conditions, I would entirely sympathise with you if you didn’t want to host a play date, it sounds as if you don’t have the space or surroundings to make it comfortable for everyone.

I suppose it depends in what ways that someone can't meet socialisation needs. There could be many.
I know of someone who barely takes their kids out, someone else disagreed that was an issue, but I think it is.
They have anxiety so would you say if you already know these things you shouldn't have kids or have more.
As this person already knew their issues, but went on to have a second child. Now says they are depressed stuck at home looking after kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

Then you might not have the ideal home for wanting play dates etc often. Should that mean all who couldn't get their own home or nice flat with a garden not if had kids either 🤷🏻‍♀️

The safety concern could mean many things though. Not just people checking the house and its contents out. A friend who was in the police and had kids older than mine warned me she'd been very very wary about play dates because of what she'd seen at work - for example drug taking or domestic violence in what appeared to be very respectable homes etc.

We were very wary because we didn't have a totally child-proof house. We had many bookcases not attached to walls, stairs with a twist in. We'd used a playpen and gates to keep DD safe and then taught her from early on what was safe and what wasn't with clear boundaries but we had some bad experiences with early play dates where some kids had plainly never been told no or that they couldn't do something like climb a bookcase or that a room was out of bounds.

Garden 😆 is that to say all of us with kids have our own houses or ground floor flats, I wish!
We only have a badly designed poky kitchen/sitting room. We don't even have a sofa for people to sit on.

Another thing that has put me off visitors is my neighbour below sitting on the front door step whenever people turn up smoking day and night I feel embarrassed. She has lived in her own flat before not in a house in flats, so obviously doesn't deal well with having a communal door.
They will also answer my bell for me.

Surely, if it is a safety thing, better he is there to ‘protect’ his family rather than you invite people round when he isn’t there!

No what many used to say is for sleepovers etc it wasn't ok. This is not a new thing. I went to school with kids who would never of been able to have sleepovers etc. To an extent I think this is not the worst idea, when you don't know the parents/who else might be in the home.

This is a tricky one. I think i do have some issues relating to things like this. It's something i never thought much about until now it has come up. One thing being we haven't done much at home at all, some of that being we don't have people to invite anyway. Or have but haven't done it.

There is nothing tricky about it.

When you have children you undertake to bring them up in the very best possible circumstances you can manage, according to the prevailing environment and custom and culture.

Depriving children of opportunities to entertain and be entertained by friends isolates them from their peers. Isolating a child is sheer cruelty - in any culture.

If a person knows they will be unable to meet a child’s needs for socialisation they should think very hard about bringing any child into the world.

Safety thing? A four year old? How absolutely stonkingly mean and ridiculous. He’s just a miserable controller, denying your dd playmates. She’ll really resent him when she’s older if this carries on - how to alienate her in one easy lesson.

My DH is a bit like this, especially when the children are toddler or pre-school age. Partly because it wasn't something people did when he was a kid, they just played at the park, so he had no experience of it so didn't think it was necessary. Partly because children that age tend to come with parents (for obvious reasons!) and it meant having to socialise with people he barely knew and had little in common with. Coupled with working full time and this being his downtime it was too much.

We did try it but had a few bad experiences with people from nursery where the kid would make a huge mess and the parent wouldn't do anything about it or badly behaved kids not being acted upon. After the one where the mum just didn't go - stayed for hours. Think she didn't want to be on her own with her child! After that we went back to meeting at the park or soft play for play dates.

Ironically the one time we had a preschool kid for a play date without parents (as they had an appointment somewhere else and we'd offered to help out with childcare) it went really well - the kids played, DH enjoyed them playing and helped them with some things, there were no problems with boundaries or having to be sociable as the parents weren't there!

Now at junior school age he's very pro-play dates as the kid(s) come round, DD enjoys herself, little adult interaction is required and the parents don't stay so there isn't the same expectations around being sociable.

So I'd say give it time and it's easier when the kids are older.

Quite!
I mean in my earlier reply i have said i am not good with these kinds of things, nor have I tried yet.
But we stay pretty much for an hour playing after school. And my DC has been to birthday parties. Although he hasn't had one yet, a party to me means like all the others do, the whole blimin class invited etc, I can't cope with that.
They hire somewhere.
So I'm thinking for the next one to hopefully get a couple at home to do savoury food and cake with.

He’s being unreasonable but perhaps you can reassure him that you’ll keep the play date short- 2 hours is long enough at 4/5 and keep it quite structured so the house isn’t trashed.

Give the adult a cup of coffee and a biscuit, set up a few activities ( preferably in the garden) and send him out and about while he gets used to the idea. Maybe he thinks it’s like a dinner party where you all have to sit together and talk constantly? It’s an opportunity for him to do other stuff.

And certainly remind him that teaching your child social skills is really important. He might even gain a few.

This is something quite a few started to do it seems, the whole birthday in the park kind of thing.
On my own not something I would want to do, so in that case, I think a couple at home is much better! For things like birthdays etc.

This is a tricky one. I think i do have some issues relating to things like this. It's something i never thought much about until now it has come up.
One thing being we haven't done much at home at all, some of that being we don't have people to invite anyway. Or have but haven't done it.
I did used to have a friend dropping by she took it upon herself and i guess in a way that helped me deal with it.
Also that kids can change friends pretty quickly at that stage.
And I didn't want lots of people knowing where our home is and what it looks like, maybe that sounds weird. I don't know.

I think your DH has some valid points but then it is your home too and your DC's, so you need to if possible find a way of where it can work for all of you.

You'll have to sit down and ask him how he'd like to negotiate a compromise. I can be very introvert so understand not wanting people in his space but as long as it's not all the time surely he can make other arrangements on occasion if he doesn't want to be there.

Social networks are very important for all your family's future. The chances of a parent being a thief are negligible. Lovely you live in such a friendly community.

I live in fear of the home playdate, hate it so he’s not unreasonable on that score. Buuuuut you suck it up for your kids.

I adore kids, but....i wouldn't want house with kids EVERY weekend...once every other week maybe...i still need down time at weekend.