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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the family barbecue

89 replies

yesthatsmyactualname · 05/05/2024 10:47

My sister and I had our eldest children within a month of each other. The kids have been brought up together and have always been close.
They went to different primary schools but are now attending the same secondary school.
My nephew is in with the cool kids a bit daft but generally a good kid. My dd is more studious, sensible and sensitive.
My dd has had a hard time with some girls at school. It started with name calling but then they were taking photos of her and sharing them. She has been pushed, kicked hair pulled. I would say that it has become bullying. The school have been involved. We have spoken to these girls parents. It did calm down when we threatened going to the police when it started becoming physical.
My nephew has become friends with these girls. This has broken the heart of my dd. They have always been close and she felt betrayed by him.
My sister is hosting our annual family barbecue tomorrow. That group of girls are invited as her son's friends. Dd doesn't want to go. I totally get it. I said to my sister we wouldn't manage to come.
She has figured out this is because of the girls. She said that I am being ridiculous to let teenage girls squabbles dictate. It has, in my opinion, gone beyond squabbling.
She is always so delighted that her son is in the cool gang and keeps suggesting that if these girls see my dd out with school they will realise she is nice not just a nerd.
I'm not subjecting my dd to that as she doesn't think she doesn't think she could relax with them around. AIBU or should we go and hope they see dd in a different light?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 05/05/2024 14:28

yesthatsmyactualname · 05/05/2024 11:21

I have zero intention of going but honestly all this makes me question everything. I just want it to stop and for my girl to be happy. I will do anything to help her and I started to question if I was taking the wrong approach.
I am quite disappointed in my nephew but I think as he matures he should see how awful these girls are. I hoped that my sister might be more supportive but she just doesn't seem to get it.

Your sister is clearly one of those people who is desperate for her kids to be 'cool'

And if her sone pulls away he could be the next target

So she is in self-preservation mode.

Don't treat this as a 'family' bbq - treat it as they're hosting friends and you'll see them another time.
I doubt you'll get them to see your PoV

Polishedshoesalways · 05/05/2024 14:26

The weather looks horrible tomorrow - perhaps the only silver lining!

Original poster
yesthatsmyactualname · 05/05/2024 14:26

I'm not going. Dd and I are going to do some baking in the morning then she is having a friend round in the afternoon. A lovely and loyal friend.
There hasn't been anything more physical after the police threat but they are still nasty to her and through nasty looks her way. Dd is still very much ostracised by them and others who are scared of them.

My younger dd wants to go round and tell them they are poop faces but we are not going to do that!

OP posts:
Americano75 · 05/05/2024 14:25

yesthatsmyactualname · 05/05/2024 11:17

Dsis has been at my house when Dd came home crying, her hair a mess and her legs all red from being kicked. She has seen how this has changed my dd to being quite confident and self assured to doubting herself and becoming more quiet.
DNephew wouldn't stand by and watch her getting hurt. He has stopped them before but he still hangs out with them afterwards.

Jesus actual Christ, what is wrong with her?

Your poor girl. Please give her a hug from me.

Polishedshoesalways · 05/05/2024 14:25

I would want to go and call them out and humiliate them one by one before kicking them out to the kerb, but this is guaranteed to make things even worse for your dd.

AsYouMightBe · 05/05/2024 14:24

Absolutely not to your DD going. Poor girl. I, however, would contemplate going and skewering those little horrors with a kebab stake.

Bournetilly · 05/05/2024 14:23

YANBU, definitely do not go. It would be awful for your DD.

It’s disgusting that your sister is allowing these girls to the bbq knowing what they have done. I can’t believe your nephew would be friends with them / allow them to treat his cousin this way (hopefully he will realise what they are like soon).

Polishedshoesalways · 05/05/2024 14:22

Your sister has seriously let you down. Of course you can not go. I can’t believe she is invited the bullies!
They clearly mean more to her than your family.

Move your dd op, whilst she has a shred of her self respect and confidence left. The school are doing almost nothing to protect her, and the bullying sounds really serious if she is harmed and marked. The psychological trauma alone will be significant if you leave her there.

HcbSS · 05/05/2024 14:20

yesthatsmyactualname · 05/05/2024 11:17

Dsis has been at my house when Dd came home crying, her hair a mess and her legs all red from being kicked. She has seen how this has changed my dd to being quite confident and self assured to doubting herself and becoming more quiet.
DNephew wouldn't stand by and watch her getting hurt. He has stopped them before but he still hangs out with them afterwards.

Your sister and nephew are cowardly and disloyal. It’s their cousin/niece being threatened and hurt. No way would I be going, nor having anything to do with them while they endorse this behavior by associating with these girls. Your poor daughter! Teenage squabbles my arse.

My poor friend is now in her early 50s and is still brought to tears by some of the stuff she had to put up with at secondary school. She is brilliant at her job now and is a really kind pastoral person, despite everything, mainly because she felt she had nobody to turn to back then except her Dad who has now died. Stick up for your kid as you are doing and take this all the way. And have a lovely day with her on the day of the bbq.

Talkamongstyourselves · 05/05/2024 14:18

RamblingAroundTheInternet · 05/05/2024 12:03

I think I might go on my own for 15 minutes just to confront these horrible girls on home turf, ask them what my DD had done to them and why they thought it was OK to physically assault someone as well as loudly show my disgust that my sister invited them knowing how they’d made her niece’s life hell before dramatically flouncing.

Edited

I wouldn't because the possibility of DD being sneered at in school (in an "oh look there's x...she can't fight her own battles, mummy has to do it for her" kind of way), would be at the back of my mind and I wouldn't want to give the little shits any ammo.

Nicole1111 · 05/05/2024 14:13

Absolutely do not go. Your sister is behaving awfully, essentially prioritising her kids popularity over your niece’s physical and emotional safety. Thank god you’re able to prioritise your daughter and show her what advocating for herself and others looks like.

wherewegoing · 05/05/2024 14:03

RamblingAroundTheInternet · 05/05/2024 12:03

I think I might go on my own for 15 minutes just to confront these horrible girls on home turf, ask them what my DD had done to them and why they thought it was OK to physically assault someone as well as loudly show my disgust that my sister invited them knowing how they’d made her niece’s life hell before dramatically flouncing.

Edited

I’d definitely go too. An opportunity not to miss!

BeaRF75 · 05/05/2024 14:01

Was there ever a phrase with more implied horror and awkwardness than "family barbecue"? Run in the other direction, OP!

PBandJ111 · 05/05/2024 13:52

Definitely not to go. Your sister is a bit of a cow.

Eggmoobean · 05/05/2024 13:48

Your dd is being bullied horribly. This is not a squabble and your sis downplaying this would be the end of our relationship frankly. Kids are scarred for life by bullying. Some are anxious and scared their whole lives, some with ptsd - it is really serious. How dare she promote her son’s popularity contest over her Nieces well-being and safety, I would be furious.

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/05/2024 13:43

Your sister is a bitch. YANBU.

Ask her: if a group of women had attacked her in town, hurt her physically and mocked her and shared photos of her online, making her cry - how would she feel if you invited those very women to the family bbq, and pressurised her to be friendly with them?

Stupid, emotionally illiterate and nasty of her to do this. All she cares about is her son being ‘safe’ and in the cool group. Worthless behaviour.

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/05/2024 13:36

Totally get why dd doesn't went to go

Has the bullying and it is bullying stopped ?

You said about the police but has it continued since then

Any chance these girls reliese what they have done and trying to make amends or they don't care

AccidentallyWesAnderson · 05/05/2024 13:20

RamblingAroundTheInternet · 05/05/2024 12:03

I think I might go on my own for 15 minutes just to confront these horrible girls on home turf, ask them what my DD had done to them and why they thought it was OK to physically assault someone as well as loudly show my disgust that my sister invited them knowing how they’d made her niece’s life hell before dramatically flouncing.

Edited

So would I. I'd hop along and read the bullies (and sister) the riot act in the strongest terms possible and microphone drop out of there.

Crazycrazylady · 05/05/2024 13:12

Honestly I don't think I could ever feel the same about my sister again. It wouldn't be a long deal to tell her son to leave his friends off the invite list seeing as did would be there.

I'd reply to your sister saying in your opinion it's more than teenage squabbles and your won't be subjecting your dd to that and you're disappointed she expects her niece to socialise with her bullies .

Mischance · 05/05/2024 12:57

I am less concerned about the BBQ than the fact that your DD is going in to school every day to be abused. None of us would tolerate this at work.

The school needs a boot up the rear.

PrimalOwl10 · 05/05/2024 12:28

Id have nothing to do with her if I was you it's verbal and physical bullying what doesn't she get definitely cause to go NC.

Sparkletastic · 05/05/2024 12:22

Your sister is a thoughtless bitch.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 05/05/2024 12:18

Definitely don’t make your sister go, her family should be a safe space and not somewhere where she is forced to hang out with her bullies. I can’t believe your sister is allowing them to come

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 05/05/2024 12:13

Damnyoureyessir · 05/05/2024 10:48

YANBU and your sister is a cow. Do something lovely with your DD.

This 💯

CurlyhairedAssassin · 05/05/2024 12:10

Ponoka7 · 05/05/2024 10:53

You've got to be guided by your DD. Your DN being a teenager will not see it for what it is and I can understand your DS letting him invite who he sees as friends. The school should have stepped in sooner, it's got carried away. I wouldn't demonise these girls, kids make mistakes, putting teens into 'cool kids vs nerds' isn't helpful. Their behaviour was wrong and your DD a victim, so she gets to decide.

Kids make mistakes? This was bullying, physical assault, which only stopped at the threat of the police being called. I don’t call that a kid “making a mistake”. That’s someone being a little shit, who will no doubt grow up to be a horrible adult. Because nice adults tend not to have been teenagers who physically assaulted their peers, and filmed their misery for amusement. Jesus Christ. The excuses.

OP, absolutely do not go to the BBQ, and be clear with your sister that you find it repugnant that the very people who made your dd’s life a misery have been invited into the one space she thought was safe, her home and family life.

it just wouldn’t happen in my family. We show loyalty to each other and stand against diabolical behaviour like bullying and assault.

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