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Original poster

My husband has plans , I need his help , backstory

133 replies

tiedinnotts · 05/05/2024 08:21

My husband is the father of our two children , works hard , generally good and involved when home , definitely not the worst so I know I'm lucky

This weekend is the week before our eldest starts her GCSE . His parents are visiting for the weekend and staying over in a hotel . They can be hard work but I've agreed on condition I and eldest are not expected to spend the whole weekend with because of upcoming exams / study time . I also changed my plans to go out so we could go for an evening meal all together .

Dd got into some trouble st school , a stupid decision to take a photo of a friend who was goofing about after PE
has led to an exclusion . She is really upset and I am too because she's had a v difficult secondary experience with friends and is now doing great . School are v supportive but have to impose sanctions .

So back to the weekend my husband planned to go back with his parents Sunday evening and meet up with other family on Monday . Because of exams and so he can see his parents have some time I'm staying home with children Sunday evening / bank holiday Monday .

The letter to reintroduce Dd back to school came yesterday , meeting is at 8:15 on Tuesday after bank holiday . She won't be allowed back in school until meeting . School have given least serious sanction and want her back in school as it's start of her exams .

Our other Dd is 9 , her school opens at 8:30 . I can't be doing reintegration meeting at 8:15 and get other Dd to school .

So I've asked him to change his plans and come home on Monday night or early Tuesday to take youngest to school . He says no .

Opinions please

OP posts:
wutheringkites · 05/05/2024 11:42

Oh come on, they can make the meeting 20 minutes or half an hour later in order to enable the parent to attend.

Maybe the teacher involved needs to be doing something else at 9am in a school...

wutheringkites · 05/05/2024 11:40

I'm really surprised some posters are suggesting that they would ask for a reintegration to be moved, delaying a start back to school in an exam week.

I'm not someone who thinks parents should be martyrs to their kids but this is definitely one of those occasions where the kid needs to come first.

WhateverMate · 05/05/2024 11:38

crumblingschools · 05/05/2024 11:33

@WhateverMate OP didn’t get details of reintegration meeting before Saturday, but for any suspension they should ideally be held before the child goes back into school and it wouldn’t be lawful for the school to increase the length the child is off school before that meeting is held.

Oh come on, they can make the meeting 20 minutes or half an hour later in order to enable the parent to attend.

What would happen if OP was a single parent with a hospital appointment?

It's got nothing to do with legalities.

crumblingschools · 05/05/2024 11:33

@WhateverMate OP didn’t get details of reintegration meeting before Saturday, but for any suspension they should ideally be held before the child goes back into school and it wouldn’t be lawful for the school to increase the length the child is off school before that meeting is held.

Mumwithbaggage · 05/05/2024 11:33

Your dd with GCSEs comes first. Yes the meeting could be rearranged but make everything as smooth as possible for her. 9yo could be with a neighbour, go to school with a friend or just have to sit in senior school office with a secretary while you have your meeting then be a bit late for school.

That said, ideally dh should be home but not worth causing tension during GCSEs for your daughter's sake.

RazzlePuff · 05/05/2024 11:32

Bring 9 yr old to school late.
she can wait during meeting.

why is this a MN issue?

WimbyAce · 05/05/2024 11:30

Haven't even read the rest but this yardstick OMG 🙈🙈🙈

"definitely not the worst so I know I'm lucky"

Please can we start valuing ourselves more and move away from this bulls#it.

WhateverMate · 05/05/2024 11:25

The school really aren't as supportive as you think if they wouldn't rearrange the meeting time, due to you having to consider your other child.

Although I suspect you probably didn't insist upon it.

Imbusytodaysorry · 05/05/2024 11:22

He says no ??? Wow .
He is a parent first and foremost .There is no choice here tbh he should just stay home all together .

Anameisaname · 05/05/2024 11:19

Surely the younger DD has a pal that you could drop her to in the morning and they could go together to school? I'd certainly help out a friend of my DC in similar circumstances

Frangipanyoul8r · 05/05/2024 11:18

Take the youngest with you to the meeting and take her in later to school saying it was a one off family issue (which it is). She can sit in the meeting watching something with headphones.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 05/05/2024 11:17

Stoufer · 05/05/2024 08:30

If he doesn’t budge, I would take the 9yr old along to the meeting too, then drop her off to school afterwards. Then when DH returns think seriously about what to do - as this is incredibly unsupportive of him, at a very important time in your DD16’s school life. My DH had planned an overseas work trip for next week, and when I realised this (a few months ago) we had a major argument, but he did actually cancel the plans (it is one dc’s SATs week, as well as the first full week of gcses for another dc). Good luck.

This

he shouldn’t have become a parent if he’s this inflexible. Kids come first

Original poster
tiedinnotts · 05/05/2024 11:06

@friskybivalves

The tricky secondary has been about friendships . He has been supportive to her , talking to her , taking her out .
She cares about letting us both down but especially him. I'm more let's try to solve it , he's more "just behave" ( I agree with this too ) so if he shows disappointment it really hits her .

He agrees it was a knee jerk reaction when he said he wasn't going to change plans . But he has and he's going to be home in time to support youngest to school while I support oldest . He does usually attend meetings when he can otherwise I'm fine going on my own and giving his pov over , sharing actions after .

I think he also felt ashamed that I called him out in front of his parents . Never done that before .

OP posts:
LameBorzoi · 05/05/2024 10:41

welshycake · 05/05/2024 09:43

Why did he just say no then? That's ridiculous

Show quote history

Driving intead of taking a train can be a huge pain. I understand why he didn't want to do it, but changed his mind.

RuthW · 05/05/2024 10:33

You need to prioritise the older child. Take younger with you and drop younger off late. Forget about husband- he's a waste of space.

coconutpie · 05/05/2024 10:13

YANBU.

I have read your update and am glad he has changed his plans but what a twat your "D"H is. He was prioritising his social life over his DC's education. I also think it's really bad form for him organising a visit from his parents the weekend before GSCEs when your DC needs to study as it sounds like them coming this weekend is not the best idea.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 05/05/2024 09:58

Flatleak · 05/05/2024 09:05

Presumably because he's away!

Show quote history

His children should be his priority

Codlingmoths · 05/05/2024 09:50

I see he’s changed plans. Does he never usually have to inconvenience himself for his children, do you usually take all of that on?

Codlingmoths · 05/05/2024 09:45

I’d say ok, dd2 is going with you. It’s her family too. Dd1 and I won’t be seeing your family as I’ve had quite enough of you and I’ll tell them that, and she shouldn’t have to put in time with them when their child, her own dad, can’t be arsed to support her. This whole supporting each other goes both ways and you’ve lost mine.

welshycake · 05/05/2024 09:43

tiedinnotts · 05/05/2024 09:41

Update

He is v stubborn and sometimes an entitled twat but he has changed his plans

Driving instead of train so he can drive back Monday night . Meal on Monday in afternoon instead of evening . He's changed timings so he can be back in time

His parents / home town are two hours away.

Thank you for all your replies

Why did he just say no then? That's ridiculous

friskybivalves · 05/05/2024 09:42

'She is really upset and I am too because she's had a v difficult secondary experience with friends and is now doing great .'

I feel we need more context about this and DH's behaviour during it. Has he been generally supportive of you and her? Has her behaviour at home been targeted at him in any way? Does he think him coming back might actually throw her off at all - may be clutching at straws but sometimes teenagers react more emotionally with one parent than another.

Original poster
tiedinnotts · 05/05/2024 09:41

Update

He is v stubborn and sometimes an entitled twat but he has changed his plans

Driving instead of train so he can drive back Monday night . Meal on Monday in afternoon instead of evening . He's changed timings so he can be back in time

His parents / home town are two hours away.

Thank you for all your replies

OP posts:
utilitarianism · 05/05/2024 09:39

He may not 'want' to have to change his plans, but that's part of life, sometimes. You're not asking on a whim! You may be able to find a way around this (letting your younger daughter go to school a bit later), but I'd resent his lack of willingness to cooperate and assistance in finding a solution. You're partners in parenting, and it sounds like he's forgotten that, this time

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 05/05/2024 09:33

Take your youngest to the meeting - she can wait outside the room. It really isn’t that big of a deal for her to be late occasionally.

Greenfinch7 · 05/05/2024 09:31

Sorry OP- I cross posted with you, and having read your update, I agree in this situation, he should cancel his plan in order to support you.