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Original poster

My husband has plans , I need his help , backstory

133 replies

tiedinnotts · 05/05/2024 08:21

My husband is the father of our two children , works hard , generally good and involved when home , definitely not the worst so I know I'm lucky

This weekend is the week before our eldest starts her GCSE . His parents are visiting for the weekend and staying over in a hotel . They can be hard work but I've agreed on condition I and eldest are not expected to spend the whole weekend with because of upcoming exams / study time . I also changed my plans to go out so we could go for an evening meal all together .

Dd got into some trouble st school , a stupid decision to take a photo of a friend who was goofing about after PE
has led to an exclusion . She is really upset and I am too because she's had a v difficult secondary experience with friends and is now doing great . School are v supportive but have to impose sanctions .

So back to the weekend my husband planned to go back with his parents Sunday evening and meet up with other family on Monday . Because of exams and so he can see his parents have some time I'm staying home with children Sunday evening / bank holiday Monday .

The letter to reintroduce Dd back to school came yesterday , meeting is at 8:15 on Tuesday after bank holiday . She won't be allowed back in school until meeting . School have given least serious sanction and want her back in school as it's start of her exams .

Our other Dd is 9 , her school opens at 8:30 . I can't be doing reintegration meeting at 8:15 and get other Dd to school .

So I've asked him to change his plans and come home on Monday night or early Tuesday to take youngest to school . He says no .

Opinions please

OP posts:
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Dotcomma · 06/05/2024 22:50

Maybe DH's next lesson might be to learn that what goes on in his own house always takes priority (the 4 of you) over everything else - and everyone else outside his own house has to work round it not throw a bomb in it & disrupt everyone else 👍

Original poster
tiedinnotts · 06/05/2024 20:53

Seriously this is the minimal impact plan

Honestly when people say the bar is set too low in relationships , with woman accepting too little then contradict by saying by asking a few adjustments I'm being controlling .

MN really is a strange online world

He went away and did everything he wanted to with some adjustments , and some replies say that's unreasonable to ask for .

The getting DD back into school is because they have exam preparation lessons all week , that's Tuesday / Wednesday/ Thursday and school want her in to try and limit impact on exams . I appreciate and agree with that .

OP posts:
pineapplesundae · 06/05/2024 19:22

I don’t think your husband should change his plans for a Tuesday morning drop off. Surely between two functioning adults you can figure out a workable plan with minimal impact.

dapsnotplimsolls · 06/05/2024 19:15

clareken · 06/05/2024 19:05

The main problem (apart from your DH) is that exam sessions tend to start at 9am. If your DD1 is scheduled for an exam that morning there is no way to reschedule the meeting. I hope you get everything sorted, and Good Luck to your DD1.

She's not. The early meeting is to try and get her into school the same day.

clareken · 06/05/2024 19:05

The main problem (apart from your DH) is that exam sessions tend to start at 9am. If your DD1 is scheduled for an exam that morning there is no way to reschedule the meeting. I hope you get everything sorted, and Good Luck to your DD1.

Original poster
tiedinnotts · 06/05/2024 18:30

Really !!!
I can't ask my husband to adjust his plans because his Dd has revision and an important meeting is dropped on us .

Without this meeting she will not be allowed back in school , she starts her gcse on Friday
but it's more important he gets to stay out and not come back the night before ? . He's working in the morning and all I ask is for him to be home to drop youngest off .

He sees his family whenever he wants usually

Those that think this is controlling need to wobble their head
And yes I would do it . Because I'm a parent and sometimes you are required to compromise . Or is it only women who do this ????

OP posts:
AllyArty · 06/05/2024 18:22

tell him he needs to look after his family / dependents first.

Itsonlymashadow · 06/05/2024 05:43

I get this is resolved but I am so confused about this reintegration meeting.

You got a letter on a Saturday, to tell you you must attend a meeting the next day school is open. Before it’s actually open?

If that was me and the school told me I had to go in tomorrow morning, I couldn’t. I need to be at work at a meeting that can’t be rearranged. As a single parent, there would only be my dad that could attend. How are schools expecting people who work full time to be able to just do that?

You say the meeting can’t be changed, but then that you just don’t want to ask. I can’t believe a school would not allow this to be changed and work around it and work with parents. Yes teachers have to work and have difficult jobs. But so do parents.

PieFaces · 06/05/2024 05:31

In your shoes I’d have gone to the meeting, then taken the youngest to school afterwards and not worried about her being late. The 9 year old could easily sit in the car in the school carpark with a book. Or sit in school reception with colouring. I probably would have left husband with his big family catch up plans, particularly as I’d also like him to coordinate both kids at times while I have some fun.

Bluebellsanddaffodil · 06/05/2024 05:08

I would take youngest daughter with FB you to the meeting and drop her after. She can be late for a day. I wouldn't ask him to change his plans with this short notice. It doesn't seem fair on his parents.

keeponandonandon · 06/05/2024 04:59

I am glad he's coming back and there's lots of comments about him not taking responsibility etc. but I'm shocked about how little attention there has been around you agreeing to see his parents, you agreeing for him to go and visit his family. If a man was on here saying this about him agreeing for his wife to visit her family or see her parents, he would get the wrath of mumsnet!

You sound controlling OP!

Mnetcurious · 05/05/2024 22:49

Bournetilly · 05/05/2024 22:08

Do you really think her seeing her grandparents for a few hours on one day would make a difference to her overall result? 5 days of non stop revision is not going to be good for her, she will need a break. She could still revise before/ after anyway.

Show quote history

You said “spend the day with her grandparents“ - , yes that is unnecessarily missing out on a lot of revision time so close to exams. Willing to bet any teacher would tell you so. Small regular breaks are needed, not huge chunks of time at this point.

Bournetilly · 05/05/2024 22:08

Mnetcurious · 05/05/2024 20:45

“I really don’t understand why your DD couldn’t spend the day with her grandparents just because it’s 5 days before her GCSEs”
Er, because she needs to revise rather than hang out with her grandparents?! I’m guessing you don’t have a child starting exams this week, or you don’t care enough about revision.

Edited
Show quote history

Do you really think her seeing her grandparents for a few hours on one day would make a difference to her overall result? 5 days of non stop revision is not going to be good for her, she will need a break. She could still revise before/ after anyway.

Mnetcurious · 05/05/2024 20:45

Bournetilly · 05/05/2024 19:45

’Tbh I thought I was being more than fair agreeing to him disappearing on bank holiday . But as its revision Im happy to do a quiet one .’

This sounds controlling to me. You have to agree for him to see his family and think you’ve been good in allowing him to do so, he’s hardly disappearing. I don’t see what difference it makes being a bank holiday? If your DD wasn’t revising would you not of allowed him to go?

Also I really don’t understand why your DD couldn’t spend the day with her grandparents just because it’s 5 days before her GCSEs.

Show quote history

“I really don’t understand why your DD couldn’t spend the day with her grandparents just because it’s 5 days before her GCSEs”
Er, because she needs to revise rather than hang out with her grandparents?! I’m guessing you don’t have a child starting exams this week, or you don’t care enough about revision.

Adhdparent123 · 05/05/2024 20:16

Sounds like you are sorted now but just to be reiterate what a few others have posted the school absolutely cannot refuse readmittance because a parent does not attend the meeting/needs to rearrange the meeting. Nor can they keep a child in isolation until a parent agrees to come in. Regardless of what the school may said this is very clear in the statutory guidance.

bubblesforbreakfast · 05/05/2024 20:08

OP, you sound like hard work. Your DH had planned to be away. All of a sudden a 15 minute scheduling conflict and he has to completely change his plans? It won't hurt your younger daughter to come with the older one. Your in laws are likely feeling a little out out for making them stay in a hotel/ change their plans for the weekend - surely a "sorry DD will be staying in her room to revise while we all go out" would have worked? And now you're changing your DH plans when he's back home there?

Hedgehog23 · 05/05/2024 19:59

could you drop the youngest with any school friends? Otherwise I think you will need to take her.

Toooldforthis36 · 05/05/2024 19:59

Can’t youngest get dropped off with a friend early am to get a lift to school with them?

NeedToChangeName · 05/05/2024 19:59

Michelle12A · 05/05/2024 15:07

It’s just one evening

and to be fair to him, you don’t really plan your kids getting excluded when spending time with family.

Show quote history

@Michelle12A I wouldn't have planned to be away from home when my child was preparing for GCSE

And, I would have cancelled plans to visit family if that child was excluded

Bournetilly · 05/05/2024 19:45

tiedinnotts · 05/05/2024 19:29

@Bournetilly *

Sorry but you sound quite controlling saying you were good for letting him go and see his family on a bank holiday / letting him see his family before exams.*

Because I asked him to rearrange the date so we could relax , he didn't so I told him not to expect Dd to socialise with his parents 5 days before GCSE and suggested he went to see them instead . They came anyway and he's gone back with them . How is that controlling?

’Tbh I thought I was being more than fair agreeing to him disappearing on bank holiday . But as its revision Im happy to do a quiet one .’

This sounds controlling to me. You have to agree for him to see his family and think you’ve been good in allowing him to do so, he’s hardly disappearing. I don’t see what difference it makes being a bank holiday? If your DD wasn’t revising would you not of allowed him to go?

Also I really don’t understand why your DD couldn’t spend the day with her grandparents just because it’s 5 days before her GCSEs.

Original poster
tiedinnotts · 05/05/2024 19:29

@Bournetilly *

Sorry but you sound quite controlling saying you were good for letting him go and see his family on a bank holiday / letting him see his family before exams.*

Because I asked him to rearrange the date so we could relax , he didn't so I told him not to expect Dd to socialise with his parents 5 days before GCSE and suggested he went to see them instead . They came anyway and he's gone back with them . How is that controlling?

OP posts:
Getonwitit · 05/05/2024 19:25

Your Husband is a twunt. DD2 will just have to be late into school.

OnigiriJones · 05/05/2024 17:27

Civilservant · 05/05/2024 08:30

DH is U but in your shoes if he refuses to help I’d ask another parent to take DC2 to school with their DC or take DC2 to sit outside DC1’s meeting then drop DC2 off at school late. I wouldn’t change the meeting about DC1.

i also wouldn’t ask DC1 to spent any time at all with the visiting GPs on the weekend before gcses start!

Edited

Absolutely. She needs that fine to revise and get into the “zone”. Not a time to be socialising at all.

diddl · 05/05/2024 17:16

He planned this weekend with no expectation of having to be around for reintroduction meeting .

Why?

Tbh this is something that we would both go to if possible.

Engaea · 05/05/2024 17:07

He shouldn't have needed you to lay it out for him but it's good that he has changed his mind.

My husband is the father of our two children , works hard , generally good and involved when home , definitely not the worst so I know I'm lucky

No, you're not lucky to get the bare acceptable minimum of a more or less equal partnership.