Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

I don't think that's the reason. OP didn't meet her DH until she was 40.

DH until I was 40, so up till then there was only one wage coming in, and where I live is quite expensive. I did get on the property ladder though, but most of my income was swallowed up by the mortgage

DH has 4 children from a previous marriage, and up until very recently was paying quite a lot in child support.

That's the reason. I doubt she wants to subsidise the household for this reason.

I would also not count on getting inheritance as the boyfriend may be named in the will.

It's a shame she isn't able to even buy you lunch though.

My fil is a nasty piece of work (that's a whole other thread) but mil is usually okay. I think, in some weird way, she saw it as helping us by not giving us handouts. Where as all I remember is trying to heat my toddlers bedroom with the one electric heater we could afford so she wouldn't wake up freezing cold. On the plus side, our gas bill was nothing! 😆

In a weird way it did help. DH worked hard to move up the ranks, I raised beautiful children who understand money and cost and are grateful for what they have, and I returned to work, got 2 promotions in 5 years and we are in a good place and totally self made. And we are proud of ourselves. SIL has gone from failure to failure as she knows PIL always bail her out.

@MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel
Your inlaws sound unbelievably nasty.

My inlaws are millionaires and have never given us a penny and we have lived on the breadline, missing meals etc. When my eldest was 18 months and I was pregnant with my middle our heating got condemned and we needed £6k to install central heating (was 1970s warm air) and that year we had extremely cold weather, snow for weeks etc. They knew we had no heating, still didn't offer to help. We lived with no heating for 2 years until my Mum inherited some money (as my mum was very low income) and lent us the £6k which we paid back.

Now we have a combined income of over £100k and are immensely proud that we have overcome every challenge life threw at us (we had an awful 7 years, I really didn't think we would make it) and we did it all on our own!

Annoyingly sister in law who is 2 years younger than DH has had food shops bought, 2 new cars, her council tax debt paid off before she went to court, rent paid, money gifts etc etc. That stung a lot when we were struggling, but inlaws say they knew we would manage but SIL is a dumpster fire who they have to help. Whatever, we made it on our own and are proud of that and a decade on, sil is still a dumpster fire and has moved in with the inlaws after losing her house.

It so happens that many professions of high societal value are poorly remunerated. Most of them are also female-dominated. (There is research showing that when women access professions this depresses the wages in these fields.) I would never tell someone who is in full-time or near full-time employment in a valuable caring role off for having made that career choice and 'not having lived up to their potential'. They are giving their potential to helping out the weak and vulnerable and that is to their credit.

I really hope you one day will reconsider your perspective when you find yourself in need of care and at the mercy of such professionals. OP is giving her talents to a much deserving field. The fact we as a society value it so little is shameful.

Especially when they are treating some bloke.

That’s precisely what it is.

I’m in a similar position. My parents are very wealthy, mainly through inheritance. They were gifted huge amounts of assets at a young age. Think multiple properties, a large profitable business, land etc.

They have given me nothing. I have no issue with this as I prefer to be able to stand on my own 2 feet.

As time has progressed DH and I have managed to both reach big salaries so finances are not an issue.

My siblings however have not fared anywhere near as well and this is where the future faking comes in. My parents use their money to control my siblings.

My DH got sick of hearing about how much inheritance there will be in years to come particularly when we have no real need for it due to our own efforts. He told them in no uncertain terms where to stick it and from then on has had little contact with them.

My siblings on the other hand feel they have to pander to them to protect their future inheritance which they appear reliant on.

I find the whole thing distasteful on all sides and as a result am not really that close to my family anymore.

My DS is 3 and hasn’t yet clocked on to the fact that he’s never seen his Dad and GP together. I’m not sure how I’ll explain it to him yet when the time comes.

The OP isn't expecting a "handout", just a little bit of financial support to make her life easier. That's not unreasonable, given the extent of her mother's wealth. That's her grandchildren too that she is willing to see go without while she has the means to help the whole family. She's hateful!

By a process of deduction?

How do you know either unless you are the OP?!

I'd stop going out for lunch with her. Now the weather is (supposed to be) getting better, I'd just suggest a picnic in the park instead as you can't afford to go out for lunch and see if she gets the hint. Hopefully that way you can find out if she is oblivious to your situation or just doesn't care.

I'm amazed that the OP got on the property ladder on a minimum wage. It's in an expensive area. Hang on, it's in a rough area.

We didn’t expect anything but when my gp's died, and dh's gp's, both our mothers gave us something out of what they inherited (I think in both cases it all went to the children in the will, so they were kind enough to share).

I'd like to think I'd share with my dc too.

I have seen many people get handouts from rich parents and it's messed them up. They basically have no consequences to their actions, they do anything they want, and then it backfires on them. Their life has no purpose and they hate themselves because they know they won't achieve as much as their parents have. Nothing actually makes them happy.

Since you do what you love and don't want to change it I'd call that a bigger win.

I don’t think YABU at all. My in-laws are beyond wealthy, many times millionaires due to selling a business then buying tons of property. Their monthly income will be 10 x ours at least. They are in their 70’s. But- they don’t offer to help with anything financially for their 3 kids/grandkids. We are all working full time, decent jobs but still little left over for luxuries, like everyone else. But, they also really struggle to enjoy spending anything on themselves too which speaks volumes. I truly think their only enjoyment of their enormous wealth is from seeing the figures get bigger and bigger.

I don’t understand their mentality. It’s not what my family would do, it’s not how I would be, but I have finally made peace with it and watch from afar as they nit pick over costs, look for cheap holidays etc and moan about the cost of everything then don’t buy it.

The awful irony is they can’t grasp that all this stashed money may well be gone in the future in 12 months of funding their care. So all that stashing and saving will be wiped out in a flash.

Sadly there really are parents who behave like this. Mine is one of them.

And how could you possibly KNOW that there was one?

But it’s not about that is it? It’s about her mother not giving a shit. Watching her daughter struggle and not wanting to help. What does it say? It says I don’t care. I’m comfortable watching my child struggle. Most people who have children WANT to help. I’d rather go without so my children wouldn’t have to. Because I love them more than I love myself. As the child of a parent who will never do a thing to help me unless there is a material exchange for him, it makes me feel lonely and unloved. It isn’t about the money per se, but the message.

How could you possibly know that unless you are the OP

Struggling to believe this is real.
I cannot fathom swanning around with thousands/millions of pounds in the bank and 8 houses whilst my child and grandchildren can't afford to put the heating on.
YANBU.
Stop going for lunch with her, it's costing you extra money.

If I was lucky enough to be in your mum’s financial position, I would help my adult DC out as much as possible. I’d be happy to, especially if I knew they were struggling to the extent that you are.

Well it's not very nice for a mother to live a luxury life and watch her daughter and family struggle! She just sounds like a selfish cow!

Sorry OP but it isn’t very nice to be talking about how long she might live and when you’d get your inheritance - it sounds a bit like you’d rather this to be sooner than later - so maybe she’s picked up on that, and if she has I don’t blame her frankly.

I agree that it’s baffling, in your position I would feel sad about it and in her position I’d definitely want to share my good fortune with you. Very mean on her part. It’s true she isn’t obliged, but still.

I think the OP has explained the situation very well. Sadly there are parents like this, and there are those on MN who would support parents to behave like this. It's fascinating and upsetting all at once; I don't know if it's a reflection on society that anyone would think this was ok?